When I Judge Myself

This piece began as an email to a dear friend… I felt called to share pieces of it here as well as expand on it.

Stuff for me has been churned up since last week.  Looking back I can place the moment, it was an email that I read from a couples therapist from three years ago. Well, since I am being honest, October is a big month for me, in regards to reflections since the past three years have been full of change, so I think, as I ponder, that this month, the actual turning of the calendar from September to October has me feeling heavy.  I have really been noticing this heaviness, as the past few days I have been resisting my practice. Yesterday was a real shift for me, I returned to the warmth of my bed after getting up to use the bathroom, to read the book The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, while listening to the rain fall from the sky.  This is a huge shift as my mornings, for almost a year now, begin with puja and meditation. I’ve noticed, since October began, the mediation piece of my practice, has been coming later in the day. Yesterday, for the first day in I cannot recall how long, I did not do any of my practices. Today I didn’t either. There is a piece of me that is softening in, accepting and giving permission for that. There is the other, older part of me that has a grip, the voice in my mind that says I am not committed, I am making excuses, and that I do not deserve.  Really though, I am tired- not physically, rather mentally and energetically.  

Shifts are upon me. It is autumn, time to harvest what I have sowed. Time to shed that which is no longer serving me, what is no longer needed, shedding what is holding me back from being me.

Messages come to us in the oddest of ways, or ways that we can resist at first. I have received so many messages in recent years that have led me here, that I could have not imagined, not planned, not cultivated on my own.  Here is an example of trust that arose for me yesterday. **** See below****

I have been slowly shifting things from WY to NJ, things that are important in this world we live in, that are not of importance to me. Since I find little value to them, they feel like extra work, not something that I am pulled to. It is that and it is more that I do not understand the linearness of the world, the logistical aspects. So yesterday when I began transferring money from one bank account to the other and it didn't work, each of the three times I tried, I was annoyed. I was irritated. I was finding fault in the banks for being closed on the "day that I had been given off" from work. Okay, not today, I thought. I'll work on it another day.  I got into the car to drive to the bank to deposit a check, thinking, once this check is deposited, I can use this money to pay for the car insurance today.  When I put the check into the ATM, a message on the screen said the funds would not be available until Wednesday.  Receiving this news heightened my anger.  In my mind, it was important to set up bill pay with my new bank account, shifting things from WY to NJ, and without having money in my new bank account, I was not going to be able to complete that "step of the process" that I had planned in my mind. This grip of being irritated, annoyed and frustrated by things not going my way stayed with me in the car ride to the insurance office. I attempted to breathe, I attempted to notice my surroundings, the colors of the leaves, the wet road, the falling leaves.... I was still gripped, still held by this, "things are not going my way."  I arrived at the insurance office, after being greeted and welcomed, the agent shared, "you will not need to make a payment today, since you are transferring from WY and your payment there is larger than here, so you will probably, actually be getting a refund this month." 

Ease traveled through my body, along with a slight giggle. It all made sense, what was not making sense to me before, what I was holding on to, my plan, was not needed, it was not necessary. The universe had a different plan, the universe had a different way for things to play out and instead of softening in and realizing that I was meant to not be in control, to not be so rigidly holding on to the way it was, the way I wanted it to be.  Here, in the office, I softened. I softened in. I relaxed. Yes, I am held. Yes, I can trust. Yes, I can surrender control. 

As my time in the office with the insurance agent continued, I commented on the view she had from a huge window.  She shared a story with me that had me smiling ever wider.  The week prior, toward the end of the day, she was alone in the office, at her desk and heard a screaming sound outside. She was not able to see the ground from her chair, so she stood and walked around her computer. There, she noticed a squirrel with its back against the glass screaming.  This continued for a few minutes before the squirrel ran off. Minutes later, while in her car leaving, she saw a fox cross the road. She wondered to herself and then again to me, could it be that the squirrel was screaming in response to the fox. That the fox saw the squirrel and the squirrel felt stuck, felt its life threatened and screamed for its life. 

Smiling, I was able to see myself as the squirrel, feeling stuck, feeling out of control, feeling like my back was up against a wall. Going about my life and feeling threatened by things not going the way I wanted them to, the way I planned it to be, the way I expected it to be. Life, happening in the way that I did not want it, was the fox. The squirrel was the victim, the fox was the villain. I was the victim. Life, was the villain. When I learned that I did not need to pay and I softened, as the squirrel went on its way and so did the fox. As it was meant to be. 

It is so easy to get drawn into the drama triangle, the victim, villain, hero dynamic. The world is out to get me, The world is against me. I find myself there, here, sucked in, drawn in, ensnared, held. The time there, the time here, varies. I have choices.  I can choose to remain there, in the place of feeling stuck, held, trapped, with my back up against the wall or I can choose to see things in a different light, from a different perspective. Things are happening for me, rather than things are happening to me.

Looking back, I could not have not imagined, dreamed how life would continue to unfold for me as it has, so gracefully these past three years. 

This stone wall, with its many layers, captivates me. The wall I have built around me, to isolate, to remove, to protect has many, many layers. Some of which I am working through now.

We are the path, the path is us. You are your path, your path is you. I am my path, my path is me. Ganesha teaches us there are no obstacles on the path, the boulders, the dirt parts, the paved smoothed parts, the roots, the slick parts, the up, the down, they are all a part of the path, they are there for us. For us to see, for us to grow, for us to evolve. The only obstacle is our own selves, the perceived thoughts, the limited constructs of the mind. Step out of your way.

Holding myself in love and compassion, for this all that is arising is happening for me to see, to see the opportunities to transform, to release and to grow.

Surrender. Soften. Trust.

Loving you,

Sara

****I am feeling the need to write a brief disclaimer here.  These are words that flow through me. I am not aloof, nor am I coming from a place full of privilege. Yes, I have the ability to be able to move from one state to another. Yes, I have some money in my back account to transfer and yes, I had a check to deposit. Yes, I had a day “off” on Native People’s Day, Indigenous People’s Day to be able to get a few logistical living things done – like getting insurance and going to the bank. I am not annoyed that the bank is closed to honor this day, to honor the people who were here longer before me, before us. It is not that these things, meaning money and insurance, are not of value to me, I see and recognize the importance of them in the larger scheme of the world. I do not place the same value on them as others do, and in these times, in these current times, I am really seeing how differently we all view the world. I am sharing these moments from my life, because they are real, they are real to me, they are real experience, my own perspective. To me, it is important to be real. It is important to be honest. It is important to be me. It is so easy to judge. It is easy to pass judgment, to have comments arise in your mind, unkind thoughts against the other.  If these comments are arising in you, I ask you to ponder why? What is it about my life that is stirring up the muck in yours? What opportunity is arising for you to see, what is being brought to light? For the violence in your mind, that is arising towards me, is actually directed towards you, it is about you, not me. It is easy to deflect, to push your thoughts on to me, for it to be about me and not you. So I invite you to notice what arises within you when you read these words, word that are raw and vulnerable and honest that flow from me. Just as I am being defensive now in writing and rereading this, anticipating that you will or are judging me, rather than hearing me and seeing me.. This violence that I hold towards myself, has no thing to do with you. It has everything to do with where I am at, my current state in my mind. 

A Simple Question

Three years ago today, I asked a question that changed the trajectory of my life.  A simple question. I asked a simple question. A simple question that set forth, that opened a whole new world to me.

Questions. Asking questions has been a theme, a thread in my life.  I ask a lot of questions. I contemplate. I ponder. I want to know. I seek.

What arose for me today, this morning is this:

The very thing that I am seeking, is the very thing I am seeking to avoid. The very thing I am seeking to lose, is the very thing I am seeking.

That is the thing about seeking. When you seek, you want to know.  In discovering, you are uncovering what is already known.

My teacher Anand Ji shares this:

In discovery there is the end of waiting.

I see how I seek.

I seek to know what I am supposed to do. Why am I here? What is my role?

What has me laughing, is that I already know the answer. I already know.

Why am I seeking?

I am to be me.

Nothing less. Nothing more.

I am here to be me.

Being me.  That is enough.

Before I was seeking.  I wanted to know who I was.

Now I know.

I know who I am.

Me.

The answer is within the question.

Which leads me to the question I asked three years ago,

“What happens if we are wholeheartedly honest with one another?”

Yes, the answer is within the question.

These past three years have provided me opportunities to discover the answer.

I discovered my Self.

Radiating bliss,

Sara

Grace is Always Here

A vision arose for me today during my meditation.

I see a flowing river. I am in it. I am in the flow, being carried by the current. I am held. From the banks, from the shore someone casts something to me, throws something to me. I have a choice. I can grab a hold of it. I can stay in the flow. 

There are many ways to perceive this.

On this morning, after a day of incessant chatter of my mind, I chose to stay in the flow. To not get drawn in to the drama triangle, the victim/hero/villain story I tell myself and that has been told to me. 

My egoic mind is so strong. It has been dominating me for over 40 years. Conditioned by projections and misconceptions.  It is used to doing its own thing, it is used to being in control.

I see it. I hear it. I call it out. I stand up to it. I face it. I say “I know what you are up to, you are doing whatever you can so I remain small, quiet, dim. So you remain in control.”

“No thank you. I’m on to you. You show up as an uninvited guest and I welcome your presence. I welcome you. I see you now. You are in the light. No turning back. No more hiding.”

In India there is a saying in Hindi, Atithi Devo Bahva, Guest is God.  In these moments, in the moments when my ego shows up, I am reminded that it is guest, a welcomed guest, arriving here, presenting itself for me to see. Making its presence known, as an opportunity for me to learn, to grow, to be aware. 

Maybe you have read Rumi’s Guest House. The message is similar, welcome everything, welcome it all. See everything as an opportunity, welcome what is arising, what is presenting, what is showing up.  Welcome it all. Every feeling, every thought, every emotion, every being. Welcome them all as guests, invited and prepared for or uninvited, unexpected and a surprise.

I am smiling recalling on Monday, I was connected with Rumi.  A friend reached out to share the he was at the Melavna Museum, the mausoleum of Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi. There was a live feed on Instagram and I was able to be, to see the outside, the towers, the pillars, the doors, the dome of the Melavan Museum.

Mevlana Museum at night Photo and quote by Hoseyn Soori.

“The night is the birth of love, and the sky is the moonlight of the Kaaba of love and the lovers of love.”

Back to the egoic mind….. my egoic mind that showed up so strong yesterday. So strong. It was talking, chattering, going, carrying on while I cooked dinner, while I emptied the dishwasher, while I brushed my teeth…It just showed up. I did not ask it a question. I did not call it to me.  Yet there it was, loud, on loop, making up stories, making up conversations, making up stuff that is not real. Making stuff up. That is the thing about the egoic mind. It makes stuff up. It feels real. It seems real. And to it, it is real. In its mind, in its environment, it is real. However, outside the mind, outside of my head, it is not. That is the thing. That is how I know. That is how I know it is not real. It does not exist outside of my mind.

Have you ever had a problem, a problem that is real to you, big, consuming your thoughts, consuming your mind and you tell someone about it and you do not get the response you want? You keep explaining, you keep giving examples, you do all that you can to get the other person to understand, to grasp the importance of this problem and they see it a different way.  You see, that is it. That is an example of things only existing in your mind. Once they, meaning the thoughts, the ideas, the conversation, once it comes out, once it sees the light, it has no more value. It is only alive in your mind. It is only real there. It is not true outside of the mind. Yet, we spend time getting looped, getting caught up in the cycle, in the known of following the mind, all the while, telling ourselves this is real, believing this is real.

So I say, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being a worthy opponent. Your very presence shows me what I am not!”

I am not the thoughts in my mind. I am not these stories that I make up in my mind based on what I know of the past. I know, I know from experience, under this false identity, this false narrative, these false stories, under all of this, behind all of this is grace. Take away the stories, grace is there. Take away the identity, grace is there. Take away the narrative, the ever present, constant chatter, take that away and the grace is there. Grace that is always here, in all ways present. Loving me. Loving you.

The most important conversation is the one you have with your self. The conversations you have in your mind, the ones that you listen to, the ones you believe to be true.

What kind of stories, identities and narratives do you tell to yourself?

What kind of stories, identities and narratives do you buy in to?

Which stories, identities and narratives have you held on to?

Which stories, identities and narrative are you holding on to?

Which stories, identities and narratives have you allowed to define you?

Bringing my stories, identities and narratives into the light and inviting you to do the same,

Sara

That Which is the End is Simultaneously the Beginning

Everything in nature has its time. Nature’s nature is birth and discontinuity. Everything in its time.  When there is an end, there is a beginning.

I see this now. I know this. Not a knowing in my head. It is a knowing in my body. An embodied knowing.

Everything in its time.

Things blossom, things fade. Things are created, things are destroyed. Things push up, things fall down. Things rise, things fall.  All in their time. All of this is, as it is meant to be.

We are, at any given moment, supporting life-giving and evolutionary purpose of nature or we are restricting the evolutionary impulse of the universe. – Anand Ji

I know resistance well. Resistance is a place where I have comfortably resided. Safe in the knowing that I can resist, I can resist what is offered to me, I can ignore what is offered to me.  In this, I am restricting. I am blocking. I am holding.

From experience, I have learned to surrender to this, that which I cannot control, that which I do not want, that which I have traditionally resisted.  I welcome this, I soften in to this, I accept this, I welcome this. In this, I allow flow, I allow movement, I allow what is meant to arise, to arise. Trusting, knowing, that it will pass.  Trusting, knowing that all is with its own time.

This rose blossomed overnight, greeting me as I greeted the sun on this fall equinox.

That all is within its time.

There are moments that end, all of the time. Moments in which we can not return to, in time. Moments that are only accessible when we recall them, when we bring the back, when we remember them.

Each breath. Each second. Each minute. Each hour. Each day. Each month. Each season. Each year.

Last night, as I prepared to lay my head to rest on the last day of my 42nd year, which also happened to be the last day of our summer season, I chose to return to images of my life, pictures that I took and photos that were shared with me. Memories rose, emotions came, tears welled, my heart swelled. I was, and am still, FULL of gratitude, immense gratitude for this magical, mystical, mysterious gift of life. Grateful for every moment, every synchronized moment that needed to happen for me to be here NOW. 

I opened my eyes, nestled within the warmth of my comforter, feeling the cool air from the fall equinox on my face. I rose and began my morning practice.  Standing, facing the rising sun, I began chanting the mantra Sat Chit Ananda. My alarm sounded at 7:49 am, marking the moment in time when I was born. The alarm was planned, yes, that is true. What I would be doing during my practice when the alarm would sound was not planned. Or was it.

Yes. Everything as it is meant to be. Everything in its time. 

I welcomed this next journey around the sun while evoking Truth Consciousness and Bliss. I couldn’t plan this. I could not plan this.

Here, now, during these first hours of my 43rd journey around the sun, I continue to be full.

Full of love, light and gratitude.

Sara

I meet my Self here

This weekend, I felt called to have alone time, to be by and with myself. I spent so much time alone over the past couple of years and these past months, while I have time alone, time to and for myself, I am in the homes of others, in the environments of others and I found myself yearning for stillness and silence, beyond what I am able to access on the inside (which is the current path I am on, being able to maintain inner and outer stillness while simultaneously being in environments and contexts I can not control). 

I bow to myself in gratitude reading these written words. For so long, I sought any opportunity to be with others, to do something to occupy myself, anything to avoid being alone with myself.  Life had different plans for me. Events unfolded that lead me to living alone, in a cabin with no cell service and no Internet connection within steps from the wilderness boundary. What I was used to, what I was familiar doing, what I had done to avoid, distract, ignore myself had shifted when I moved into Cabin #3.  Then, spending a month in India, in 2018, away from folks that I knew, in a new environment and without access to alcohol, I really was able to face the darkness within that I had been seeking to avoid. There was nowhere to go, no vices to hide behind, no thing else to do. I had to be. I had to be alone. To be with my self.

There, I found my Self. Since then, I continue to discover more and more about myself. I create space to connect with my Self, my true self. I meet my Self before the conditioned thoughts, the labels of identity, the stories that have been told about me that I have worn like a coat, comfortably and the stories that I have told myself.

I meet myself there. I meet myself here, in stillness. In silence.

I meet you there too.

Hari Om Tat Sat

Sara

Beautiful Offerrings

I woke when it was still dark and began the drive North on Highway 89 into Grand Teton National Park. With the majestic Tetons on my left and my dad alongside me on my right, the dawn light presented herself in the sky. We turned off the main road and began the descent to Schwabacher Landing. I lived in Jackson for 13 years and not once when I was there, had I been to the ponds below the Tetons. I was called to sit in front of the Tetons and that is the space that arose for me to go. It felt and feels fitting to be in a space that I had known, been so close to and had not experienced for my final morning. 

Within moments of our descent, lightening lit up the sky. Then thunder. We parked the car and the rain came. A soft rain that quickly turned hard and cold. I chuckled with this.  As I entered the Tetons a few days earlier, it began to rain. Rain, I was told, for the first time in two months. Now, on this final morning, more rain.

I can be in the rain. I can be with the rain.  I found a spot near water to sit.  Me, the Tetons, the rain. Me, the Tetons, the rain. Humbled. In awe. Sitting at the base of the Tetons, watching the droplets of rain enter the Snake River, feeling the rain hit my skin.

I was there.

Present.

In the moment.

Stillness.

Presence.

Peace.

And then I heard a hum, a hum that grew louder and louder like a rumble. I maintained my awareness inward, on my breath and the sensations my body was experiencing being in the rain as thoughts about the sound arose, and silently told myself, “this is all happening for you…” Rather than the thought that likes to arise sometimes, “this is all happening to you.”

I stood, walked and stepped into the Snake River. Grateful for the moments to sit beside her, under the Tetons. Grateful to receive. Grateful for the rain. I saw it as a cleanse, a purifying, a washing away.

When the moment ends, as it always does, I gathered my things and began to walk.  Laughter, uncontrollable laughter, from deep within burst out when I saw this:

The sound that I heard was coming from a truck that was cleaning out the pit toilet!

I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. There it was, in front of me, to see, to witness the truck sucking up the shit, the waste, what is no longer needed from the pit toilet.

Even now, typing this… AMAZING.  aMAzing. aMAzing.  Such a play of life.  What a beautiful offering.

As my Dad and I made our way to the car, this is what we saw:

Deep reverence to this mystical, magical, majestic, marvelous life,

Sara

Connecting to Breath, a Journey into Meditation

All life is change. Constant change.

For me, life is an opportunity to grow, to evolve.

I was pleasantly surprised with a noticing that became apparent through an opportunity the other day when my niece tap, tap, tapped my shoulder while I was in mediation…

Meditation was not something I did regularly; it was not part of my actions, my choices.  I resisted sitting with myself in stillness, in silence.  I had no desire to do either – to be with myself in stillness or to be with myself in silence.  I would do whatever I could to avoid myself, avoid being alone with my self, avoid being in silence with myself. I was afraid. I was afraid of what would arrive, which thoughts would arrive, which thoughts would present themselves to me. I wanted nothing to do with my thoughts. I wanted to avoid them. I sought every opportunity to ignore them, reasoning to myself, that by ignoring them, I would be controlling them.

Then I went to India and each day we would start with a meditation.  The first few days, I had no idea what to do and I was not comfortable with asking for help, revealing that I did not know. (* The above picture was taken by a friend Jennifer while on a ghat in Varanasi during my first week in India. Oh how easy it is to be deceived, tricked by what the mind sees and the stories it tells itself). I had seen folks mediate in photos. I ‘knew’ how to sit, what to look like on the outside. I had no idea about what to do on the inside. I thought I had to still my thoughts, to stop them.

I was introduced to meditation, by becoming aware of my breath, by noticing and regulating my breath, while attending the Sattva Summit in 2018.  I learned a breath technique called Breath of Light and through experiences with that technique I began to be aware of my breath, I was able to regulate my breath.  I was able to connect with my breath in a way that I had not done previously.

I know and am aware that my breath is always here, breathing me, breathing life into me.  I also knew that my breath could be regulated. It was not lost on me that I could control my breath. I was very good at holding my breath and not breathing. I had been told to be aware of my breath, to take deep breaths “to calm down,” “to center myself,” “to deescalate my anger,” “to stop crying” or “stop hyperventilating.” I was told to do these things in the moment; I did not have any previous experiences to pull on to ground, to center, to calm, to stop…. I did not have any experience connecting to and anchoring myself in or with my breath. To me, being told to breathe to calm down, to stop crying, to center myself was frustrating rather that helpful.  I felt I was being told to do something, controlled. I felt I was misunderstood, telling myself, “they do not know what I am going through, what I am in. I cannot just stop it, it is not that easy. Its complicated.”

I did not know the power of my breath until I began to experience it.  Now I know.

How did I come to know this?  How did this knowingness arrive? 

Practice.

I actually showed up and did it.

I committed to doing it.

I made a commitment to myself to breath.

I held myself accountable.

I added it to my day.

Yes, I added it to my day. That is how it felt at first. It felt like an addition. One more thing to do.  I made up so many stories. So many excuses. I didn’t have time. I didn’t want to. It is not going to help. It is not going to make a difference. It is uncomfortable. I will be difficult. It felt like an obligation rather than an act of devotion or an offering to/for myself. So in the beginning I literally added it to my day, I added it.  It was an addition. It was one more thing to do. 

ONE. MORE. THING. TO. DO

I took this photo after my morning mediation while on a trek in the Himalayas, near Uttarakashi in Uttarakhand.

Now, it is a ritual. An integral aspect of my day. It is not a part, not a piece. It is not something that I have to do. It is not something I feel obligated to do, to get done, to accomplish. No, that is not how I see it. Not how I perceive it. 

Breathing is a gift of life. Breathing is the gift of life. No breath. No life in the body.

There is no end to the journey of mediation. No destination. No arrival.  No end point. No accomplishment.  It simply is. Each time, each moment within mediation is different. Each moment is new. It does not get “old.” 

I seek the quiet, still moments with myself. I long for the opportunity to turn inward.  To witness what arises. To receive the offerings from the silence. To connect with my Self. To be with my Self.

Am I good at it?  Am I doing it right?  These were questions that would arise for me in the beginning. These thoughts, this worry no longer arises for me, there is no relevance. What is right? What is wrong? What is good? What is bad? These questions have no value.  What one does in mediation is their journey, their path. What happens for one in their mediation is their journey, their path.  What I do in my mediation is for me. What happens in my mediation is for me.

It is all a gift. An offering. An opportunity for me to be with my Self.

I get it now. I have experiences with my breath; I have experience connecting with my Self through my breath, as I breathe. 

I come from a place of knowing, from experience, when I want to share, when I want to offer the importance of breath. I know that I place value on it. I know how connecting with my breath has been for me. The power it brings. The power it offers. The power I have accessed, available within me when I connect to my breath.

It was not always this way.  I had to start somewhere. In the beginning it was one day. Now each day is day one. Each day is a new beginning. 

There have been moments when I am immersed deep within and no thing is happening, no thing matters.

There have been moments, moments that sometimes lead across days when I only thought about what I would wear during the day. (Note: I started getting dressed for the day before starting my mediation to avoid this distraction all together).

There have been moments when I look at the clock during my practice to see how much time has passed.

There have been moments when I look at the clock at the end of my practice and am in awe of how much linear time has passed.

There are moments when thoughts arise and I follow them, in awe with how quickly I can get swept up in them, carried away. I smile, I chuckle and I return to my breath.

There are moments when no thoughts arise, and then, there in the stillness, in the silence my ego shows up, attempting to grab my attention.

There were moments, when I sat riverside in India, where dogs and cows would approach me. The dogs would lick me and the cows would nudge me- simultaneously bringing me out of my mediation into the external world while laughing.

There are moments when I sit in stillness with no movement.

There are moments when my body moves.

There are moments when my feet fall asleep and the tingling sensation rises up my leg.

There have been moments when bugs have landed and crawled on me. One time something bit my eye.

There are moments when I am able to ignore the external sounds- people sneezing, coughing, donkeys braying, saws cutting, vacuums vacuuming, my niece coming in and out of the room, bringing in her stuffies and arranging them on pillows next to me.

While I was not in my mediation here… this photo was taken while I was listening to guided mediation that I recorded. My nieces heard my voice, set up Ophelia next to me on a cushion and took a photo.

And then, there was the tap, tap, tap from tiny hand on my shoulder. A pause. A deep breath in and I opened my eyes.  There was my niece. She was standing in front of me, expressing her request for help when she went to the bathroom- a request that I could not ignore. 

I lifted my self up. I assisted her in the bathroom. I sat back down. I closed my eyes. I dropped in.

Just. Like. That.

A pleasant surprise. A charmed delight. One I continue to marvel at. I ‘left’ my cushion. I ‘left’ my mediation seat and yet, I remained in that awareness state. I remained in that calm, internal place, while simultaneously being in the external world, in a day to day experience.

It is possible. It is possible to connect to my breath, to maintain a sense of calm and ease in my everyday life. Grateful I softened in to my resistance and began. Began. Started at the beginning. Day One. Smiling with delight and enjoying it all.  The within and the without. The internal and external.

 In awe and gratitude,

Sara

Dealing with Shit, Literally.

Waste.
Shit.

Releasing that which we no longer need.

This is a theme, a thread that continues to weave its way in and out of my life.  It arises now and again, always presenting an opportunity for me to see, to observe, to notice.

 I began noticing shit in a literal sense… It is described here in italics. The words lifted from pages I wrote with a pen.

 Day 4, Journal Entry from 200 YYT at Sattva Yoga Academy

Today’s theme: Rain to cleanse and wash away

Shit, other people’s shit is still mine

I’ve seen other people’s shit today, literally, twice.

It is not my shit to take on, it is their shit. It is other people’s shit.

And it is shit that I have taken on, I have taken on their shit, at times knowingly and unknowingly.

(the grounding I have been doing has been helpful)

We are all inextricably connected, so what is someone else’s shit is also mine.

We all have shit to release, to move through to no longer carry in our bodies.

Yes, this is true. What is also true is what I am about to share with you…

Every morning, during my 200 hour training, we gathered in Shakti Hall for a mediation. After mediation, I would sit to write in my journal what arose in the mediation. On this day, the day I wrote the entry, I had to go to the bathroom and there was a bathroom in the hall. As I entered the bathroom, I saw that there was poop in the toilet.  Having to pee, I decided to pee without flushing, saving the flushing for after. While peeing, I heard the door to the hall open. I thought, what are the chances that who ever entered, would be coming to the bathroom? Well, they did. They opened the door that I had not locked, since I was alone in the hall. “I’m coming,” I said. I went to flush the toilet and the poop would not go down. I tried again, I know you know from your own experience, when you try to flush before the bowl has filled and it is of course, not ready to be flushed again, so there the poop remained.  My mind was spinning with thoughts, this is not my poop, I do not want whoever this is to think that this is my poop, why am I feeling responsible for someone else’s poop!

While my mind was spinning, I had an idea. Yep, a genius idea. I used the toilet bowl cleaner to scoop out the poop that was not mine and put it in the garbage. Yes, you read that right, I scooped out the poop and found another way to dispose of it, by putting it in the trash.

Confident that the toilet was clear, taking responsibility for someone else’s shit, I washed my hands, literally and figuratively to continue on with my day.

After mediation, I would enjoyed a chai or two. On this particular day, I had two chai’s, which meant that I would have to pee again before I went in to our morning journey. While I am able to leave during the journey, each has a unique flow, a gradual building that I feel is important and I do not like to leave. (I have had a thing about leaving moments and spaces to excuse myself to pee, really, to take care of my needs. This stems from an experience in first grade which I will share another time). I got into the routine of peeing before the journey to be proactive.  This time, I went to a different bathroom. There, again, I encountered more shit! More shit that was left behind. More shit that was not mine! This time, instead of dealing with the shit, after already navigating that in the morning I chose to use a different toilet. (Yes, I know. I could have easily flushed the toilet….and I am aware of the choice I made not to.)

Which leads me to the thread that I have been carrying for some time, releasing.  To release, to let go of what no longer serves, what is no longer needed. I recently thought of the word release in this way- returning to ease. And simultaneously, I am grateful for the shit, all of it that has lead me here, to this very moment.

I have been seeing another perspective on this… Not taking on other people’s shit in the first place. I notice how I can be drawn in, sucked in to the drama vortex, the drama triangle, somehow feeling responsible for solving, fixing and or removing other people’s shit (which you and I both know from what I have share previously- I literally done that).  I do appear at ease and very comfortable sitting with, being around and taking responsibility for someone else’s shit.  Which I have be chuckling to myself because I have, I willingly take on responsibility for dealing with other people’s shit.

Which is why this thread, this theme continues to emerge for me. This idea of shit, waste, what is no longer needed, continues to arise for me to see. To see what?  To see, to observe, to notice my role, my participation, my responsibility for taking on other people’s shit. Some folks are attached to suffering. Attached to living in a drama triangle, believing the world is out to get them, that the world is a bad place.  Maybe that was how I was living for so long, maybe that is why I attracted shit, because I did think the world was out to get me, that I was a victim, that no one understood, I often asked, “why me?”

Grateful for the awareness of the shit that is arising and releasing what is not longer needed, for that is a natural process. Our bodies take and absorb what they need to be nourished, and they release what is no longer needed, the waste. I see. I know. I am not a victim. I am the cause. I release all that no longer serves me, just as my body receives what is necessary to be nourished and discards the rest… I too, accept that which nourishes me and releases the rest.

Returning to ease,

Sara

A Grand Adventure

Seven years ago today, I summited the Grand Teton.*

The idea to climb, to ascend the Grand came from a friend on a hike one day, “you might really enjoy it,” she shared.  That is the thing with seeds being planted, once they are there, they find nourishment and they begin to grow. The idea of climbing, actualized, manifested.

Climbing the Grand, actually climbing in general, was not something that I sought out. Everything about it was new… well almost everything. I had worn a harness and climbed a chimney when I was at Frost Valley, my summer camp.

Leading up to the actual day we began our ascent, I hiked. I hiked everyday. I went on short hikes, long hikes, new hikes, and familiar hikes. I placed books in my backpack and hiked with the weight. I hiked with friends. I hiked with my dog. I hiked.

I had no idea what to expect. I was stepping in to the unknown.

There have been other times when I have stepped in the unknown or unknown to me. For things are known to some and unknown to others.

I seek the unknown. I long for the unknown. I enjoy the adventure of the unknown. I enjoy the exploration of the unknown. There is a sense of curiosity, for me, that is inherent in the unknown.

You know what I have found in the unknown? My Self. Aspects of myself reveal themselves in the unknown. When I step into the unknown, I am always with my self. There are always some aspects of myself that are known as I step forward in to the unknown. In that sense, there is always known in the unknown. Always known in the unknown.

We began the final ascent under the vast early morning dark sky, lit with the brilliance of the starts. As we climbed, dawn came upon us.

Reminding me, when moving from the unknown to the known… it dawns on you.

Always moving towards the light,

Sara

Here is an email excerpt that my guide Andy sent to me along with the photographs that I have included:

Sara- hope you slept hard. Nice job up there. It was great to climb with you all. I was extremely impressed with your grit, positivity, and ability to learn and perform in a new arena. By the time we were on the mountain, you were solid, consistent and 100% reliable. I hope you remain proud of your accomplishment!

This is an excerpt from an email that I sent to Andy:

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reflection of our time together.  I was anxious in the days that lead up to our adventure simply because I am not the best with change. However, I am SO GRATEFUL that I had the opportunity to learn from you and to share our experience with you.  Your approach and style was just right for me.  You were clear with the goals outlined for each day and you provided clear feedback in a way that was accessible to me as a learner. I have been sharing my experience with friends and one remarked that she has been climbing for a few years now and that it has taken her that long for her friends to share the information and skill application that you shared with me in 2 days! I appreciated your 'previews' of what was to come and your gentle reassurance that I was not alone when I did not feel 100%. While I did not have any doubt that I can make it,** I was more than overcome with emotion when I made it to the summit and I was spent when I made it back down to the bottom.

Our four days with you reminded me about how much I love to learn new things. Our Grand adventure is one that I will forever remember and cherish. Thank you for being such an integral part of my experience.

*I attempted to post this on 8.04.20, marking 7 years since my climb on 8.04.13.  We had a hurricane come through and took out the power and the internet… The 4th also marks my mom’s birthday, the first I have spent with her in 13 years. Together we looked in our photo albums, one holding the lantern, the other flipping the pages as we seached for the picture of me climbing Mr. Hayden.

Interestingly, once the hurricane passed we went outside. My nieces were riding their bikes. One niece, who was riding her bike with no hands, continued to exclaim, “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe I can do it.”  While my other niece navigated making turns on her bike. I smiled as I thought to myself, from the unknown to the known…just like that. They carried themselves, their known, into the unknown. They trusted, they had trust that it is possible and that they can do it.

 **I am intrigued by my verb choice here. I wrote this email to Andy after I summited… Instead of using “I could make it,” I chose to say, “I can make it.” Again, highlighting the known within the unknown, knowing I can, knowing it is all possible.

After I posted this, I heard this quote from my teacher. Smiling as I type this… “Lean in the direction of expansion. Step out of your comfort zone. Stop living ever repeating known. Challenge yourself.” Anand Ji

Practice, On and Off of the Mat

I love water. I love water. I love water.

Recently, we spent the day near, on and in water. . . I sat in the water. I read. I wrote in my journal. I observed my surroundings, noticing life in the water and in the sky. I observed the clouds as they changed. I paddled in a kayak. I swam. It was beautiful.

On the way home, we ran out of gas. That was also beautiful.

The moment I learned we no longer had gas, the moment I learned the car was shutting down, was simply that, a moment. Nothing was attached to it. No value was placed. No blame. No shame. No story. Nothing. NO THING.

The parking lot we pulled into when we ran out of gas. I am intrigued that the shopping area is called “The Point.”

The moment was simply a moment. And the next moment, the moment to figure out how to get gas was there. That is it. No thing else.

I have been noticing, how, no matter where I go, no matter what surrounds me, I have a choice on how I respond. I can get pulled in to drama, sucked into a vortex or an old habit or pattern. I can step into a storyline that is familiar or I can turn to my breath and breathe.  These things happen. This is real. I am living.  This is life. I get drawn in to drama that which is not mine, I feel pulled to fix, solve, offer or correct that which is not mine. I notice when I am tired. Drained. Exhausted. I am aware when I am awake, alive, full of energy and vitality.

My journey to my yoga mat was inconsistent in the beginning.  Once there, I found solace in my breath. I did not connect each posture to the breath. My mind did not stop once I stepped on my mat. I relied and still do at times, to the cues from my teachers and my self. Be here. Be in this present moment. Breathe. Breathe. Inhale, rise up. Exhale, forward fold.

Studying at Sattva, Anand Ji says, the true practice is the practice off of your mat. Yoga doesn’t only happen on the mat. Yoga is a way of life. Yoga is a way of being. Yoga goes beyond showing up on your mat. I have heard, “you do not begin a practice when you need it, your practice becomes relevant when you need it…”

In that simple, still moment yesterday when I learned we ran out of gas, I experienced the stillness, the grace, the ease that I have connected with while on my mat.  Only, I wasn’t on my mat, I was in the car. Sitting in the car.

Aware of the stillness.

Aware of the ease.

Aware of the moment that had happened.

Aware of the simplicity.

Aware of the absence of drama, of shame, of story, of emotion.

Aware of the true practice of yoga that happens off of our mats, integrated and intertwined with the aspects of our daily lives.

Living and being present in the moment,

Sara

Biology of Belief

This was written on November 18, 2019 a few days before I began my teacher training at Sattva.

Biology of Belief is a book that I was asked to read before my 200 hour teacher training. I had heard of Dr. Bruce Lipton for the past two years and only recently, in October, heard him speak on a Hay House Live Health Summit.  I was drawn in to his messages and was curious to learn more.

I started the book a few days ago.  While the concepts can seem difficult to grasp, he has a way of explaining them with words, images and metaphors that resonated with me.  I gained a deeper understanding of cells and how they work. I am most intrigued by their drive to come together and ability to work together in an efficient manner.  The sense of community is what struck me, cells coming together to divide tasks and share responsibility.

That and the quantum physics.  That we are all inextricably connected, which I have been saying, so it is a concept I am grasping and making sense of. I am reminded of Anandji’s satsangs or wisdom talks and my own inner knowing, or IN HER Wisdom as I have been saying to myself. That divine guidance and knowing is within.  I have hints of it, that energy sensing communication system that is there, waiting to be used and accessed on a more frequent level.  I strive to live from my heart, from that place of inner, IN HER knowing, rather than relying on my 5 senses to communicate.

Dr. Litpon expands on Albert Einstein’s theory of energy and shares that thoughts are the mind’s energy.  He elaborates on the conscious and subconscious mind, sharing that the conscious mind operates about 5% of the time and the rest, the other 95% of the time, it is our subconscious mind that is “running the show.”

He shares more: 

Conscious Mind

Seat of personal identity, source, spirit

Can “see” the future, review the past and disconnect from the present

Holds wishes, desires and aspirations

Comes up with “thoughts”

Subconscious Mind

Stimulus response tapes

Instinct and learned experiences

Habitual

Same response over and over

“Your belief carries more power than your reality.”

“To fully thrive, we must not only eliminate the stressors but also actively seek joyful, loving, fulfilling lives that simulate growth process.”

“We are architects of our own experience. Our subjective experience carries more power than our objective situations.”  Our subjective experiences are our perceptions and beliefs and our objective experience is our reality.

Hearing Bruce LIpton for the first time, after work one night in October.

I have long believed in various healing modalities- I started receiving acupuncture to remove energy blocks and increase the flow of energy in my body my second year in NYC at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine. I practiced qigong to move energy through and along my meridians, I’ve worked with homeopathic supplements, tinctures and essential oils. I have taken a mindfulness course, putting those teachings into my day to day life and within the past five years I have deepened my yoga practice to breathe and get in to my body to understand it better. I met Sallie in 2000, she was my therapist who become known to folks as Sallie or my Sallie; the seeds she planted within my fertile mind, seeds of self compassion, self love and acceptance continue to sprout now, almost two decades later. Through experience I have learned that I can slow down, tune in and observe my thoughts to understand patterns and to respond rather than react. 

As a result of some big life events that have occurred in the past two years, I have been presented with opportunities to see that I have taken on other people’s perceptions of me. I actually acquired and internalized their perceptions of me and made their beliefs about my ‘truths.’ ICK. This is difficult to type. I write about this often in my journal and I have that known truth feeling in my belly about this, and to share it and put it out there, I am really acknowledging it. It is an icky feeling, one that stirs up the muck in my stomach.  From a brain or head stand point; I understand this.  From a body or subconscious mind, I have deep, deep work to do to excavate and unearth these false truths, to let them see the light and to transcend them since they are no longer, actually have never been mine. I acquired these false narratives, I assumed the story and played the part. No longer. In fact, this afternoon while walking to the TAT Café to read on a balcony overlooking the powerful Ma Ganga, I saw a young man wearing a shirt that read:

I am not scared of my strength!

Which is aligned with the wisdom card from Anandji’s Got it or Not deck I pulled this morning. 

Mastering others is a strength

Mastering yourself is true power.

Always learning, growing and evolving.

Owning and standing in my strength,

Sara

this came to me just now

It came to me just now, how, when I am in self doubt and worry, I give up… give over my control… my own power to some one or some thing.

When this happens, I am moving away from love towards a place of fear.  Fear of not being liked, accepted, maybe even being in trouble.

And that is why I seek external validation and feedback.

So I can find out where I stand.

So I know

If am still in good standing.

If I haven’t alienated myself.

If I am still accepted.

If I still belong.

If I am still liked.

Life, she offers me gifts so I can to see.

To see what I could have not ever dreamed.

Really though, what does it matter?

What does it matter what someone thinks?

I am living life. Being me.

Growing

Learning

Evolving

What else is there to do?

Loving the freedom to be me,

Sara

The Grace and The Suffering

This recording was made in May… today I feel called to share it.

I Have Been Here Before

I know I have been fluctuating.  The dips, when you go in your breath is taken away, it takes a moment to realize what is happening. You gasp, your chest gets tight, then you remember, oh, this is what happens when I go in.

Recalling cold water dips, even when I chose to go in, when I am prepared for my breath to be taken away, it feels the same. 

It feels the same. Whether I am prepared or not, it feels the same.

I have been here before. Each time I arrive, or maybe it is more when I notice I am here, for sometimes it takes me a moment to realize this is where I am at, it feels the same.  For some reason, I would think, I would expect that it would change.

It is not the arrival or the noticing, it is what I do once there. Do I react? Do I respond? Both are actions. All choices are actions. To sit and stay in the space is a action. To do something about it is an action. What do I do?

Slowly, slowly, I am turning to my breath. I am turning inward and turning towards my breath.

“Breathe, it is what your body knows how to do.”

My friend Ria shared this with me once.  It is profound. Simple. True. My body knows how to breathe. It does it without me even thinking.

Ahhh, it does it without me even thinking.

No thought.

Do. No. Thing.

Breathe.

Taking one breathe at a time,

Sara

Teaching, Learning, Evolving- An Invitation

Walking past a shelf full of books, a book caught my eye.  I leaned down, lifted and opened the book. I do this often, open a book and read the page accepting the words as an invitation, as a gift.

I scanned and began to read this quote from Rabindranath Tagore:

“A child is in his natural setting admist the flowers and the songbirds. There he may more easily express the hidden wealth of his individual endowment. True education is not pumped and crammed in from outward sources, but aids in bringing to the surface the infinite hoard of wisdom within.”

The book I lifted from the shelf is an Autobiography of a Yogi, and the chapter, Chapter 29 is titled “Rabindranath Tagore and I Compare Schools.”  The book was required reading for my 200 hour yoga teacher training. While at Sattva, each night, I would read a chapter before I closed my eyes.  I recall reading this chapter; I was in awe, underlining phrases and parts, celebrating the words that appeared to be lifted from my mind and placed on the page. Beautiful. Simply. Profound.

Reading this quote, revisiting this chapter, I am reminded of the poems and musings that I have written about education. When I began sharing in a public form, I wrote questions that emerge for me, that rose in my field of awareness. The questions were, and still are meant to evoke, bring forth, elicit, stimulate and/or awaken something within the receiver and to invite a conversation around education and schooling.

The poems are invitations to do the same -to bring to awareness our values around schooling, education, learning, evolving. I share them here under the heading ROUSE, the intention is do to just that,

to rouse

to wake up, to bring out of sleep

a cause to be active, startle out of inactivity.

Enjoy the space you arrive to,

Sara

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;

Where knowledge is free;

Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by

narrow domestic walls;

Where words come out from the depth of truth;

Where tireless striving stretches its arms toward perfection;

Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the

dreary desert sand of dead habit;

Where the minds is led forward by Thee into ever widening

thought and action;

Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country

awake!

Rabindranath Tagore

There is no such thing as unconditional love.

Strong. Powerful. True.

There is no such thing as unconditional love.

Love only knows love. Love knows its true nature which is love.

Love, loves.

That is what it does.

As the nature of the sun shines, illuminates and warms.

As the nature of the river flows.

Love only knows love.

Love does not waver.

To say unconditional love, there must be conditional love and love knows no conditions, no restrictions. Love does not withhold, love does not deny.

Love, loves.

That is what it knows. That is what it is.

Love.

In love,

Sara

Nothing to figure out, just be aware.

The words “nothing to figure out, just be aware,” find their way to me, they arise within me from the stillness of my mediation.

They are not my words. I have heard them before. Planted as a seed in a guided meditation by my teacher Anandji, now they find their way to me. Arising as a gift.

“Nothing to figure out, just be aware.”

Meaning, to me now in these moments of my life, if I am not aware, I can become affected, sucked in. 

I see this now. All meaning comes from experience.  Witnessing, reflecting, noticing, observing my experiences, I see this now.

One has to be in chaos in oneself, to be drawn in. One has to be confused. Unsure. Not confident. It is in these moments, the moments of uncertainty where doubt arises, where one can succumb to external pressures, external thoughts.

What am I supposed to do? Am I doing enough? Am I supposed to be doing what they think I should do?  Am I supposed to do what they expect me to do?

When these and questions that are similar begin to arise within me, I notice and I catch them, these are not me. These are thoughts that are not mine.

For me, these thoughts come when I have turned to others for validation and confirmation, rather than staying within myself, my truth.

For when one is in chaos, they are forgetting their true selves.

Stay aware. Be vigilant.

Do not get sucked in. Stay your course. Remain on your path.

Be you.

Marvelously being me,

Sara

Accepting All that is Arising

Do you know what has been arising for me?

One moment I am grateful, calm, peaceful and flowing with ease and grace. The next moment, I react. My jaw clenches, my eyes furrow, my stomach turns and I feel nausea. What is happening?  I am grateful. I am being present. I am appreciative. I am continuing with my practice. AND I am reacting. AND I am rigid.

Listening to the words of my teacher, I am fluctuating. 

I am rising. I am dipping.

While I was sitting at his feet in India during a satsang, or a wisdom talk, he shared this would happened.  He did not predict this would happen for me, he has seen it happen with others. I heard him, I listened to him share.

It is one thing to hear words to describe something, it is another to experience it, to know it.

I am experiencing this, what he was talking about then, NOW.

“As you go in time, you will fluctuate. Your old tendencies will come back and sometimes they will come back with a vengeance, stronger. They actually don’t come out stronger, but they feel like. Why, because now you have contrast. Like once you tasted really good food, so bad food tastes worse. So now when you have that emotional state or that state of stress arises or those thoughts you are more aware, you notice it more. It feels like you are lower, but you are not, you are just aware now.”

I have experienced dips and falls before. I notice that comes on quick and fast. Catching me off guard. It appears, as if it comes from no where. Just like that it is here, as if the cloak has been draped over me and I can not see or breathe. It lingers around.  It fades.  Then in is gone. In the aftermath, I wonder, what just happened?  Where did that come from?

It’s like a storm.  When I lived in the city, I could not see the whole sky. I could see the sky, I could not see its vastness.  When a storm rolled in, it would catch me by surprise. “Where did that come from,” I would ask. When I moved to Wyoming, I could see for miles. I could see into the distance. I could see a storm rolling in, the clouds collecting, the sky getting darker, the wind picking up. I had time to “prepare” if I wanted, to get inside, in a tent, to put on a jacket. 

There are pieces of me that weather the storm, unaffected by what is presented. It is not that I am indifferent or aloof, its just that it doesn’t bother me. What is happening is happening. I know it will pass. It does not stay. Nothing is permanent.

I haven’t always felt that way. I could and would easily get drawn in to drama triangles and get really worked up. When I was in graduate school, working on my thesis, I felt impending doom.  I really felt that I would self-destruct if it was not perfect, exactly as I expected, thought or created in my mind. I stayed up all night working. Editing. Revising. Reading. Editing. Revising. Reading. Eventually the time came for it to be done. The morning came. The sun brought its light to the darkness of the night. As. It. Always. Does. For that is what the sun knows, it is its nature to be light.

The other day while going for a hike, we came upon a muddy section on our path. One of my nieces stepped into the mud and her boot got sucked in.  The kind of sucked that could have held the boot unless you give energy and pull it out.  The kind of stuck when you can pull out your foot and the boot remains.  She lifted her foot and with a sluuup sound, out came her boot.  Later in the day the words, stuck and sticky arrived for me.  Hum, I thought.  Stuck. Sticky.  Its like you can stay there and start sinking, or you can pull yourself out. A space where one can remain in the muck, if one does not lift themselves out.

Which brings me to another teaching from my teacher.

In India, while in Varanasi, I had an opportunity to watch a man use a loom to create a sari. In another section of the space, there was a vat filled with vegetable dye, used to color the sari. You dip the fabric in the dye and set it out in to the sun to dry. In the drying, the color fades, so you dip the fabric again and set it out to try. Dip, dry, fade. This is the process. In this process, the dipping, the drying, the fading, the color becomes stronger. It becomes vibrant. It develops its steadfastness.

“When this happens, be aware, don’t judge. In the judgment comes defense. Cognize and you will stabilize. Stay consistent with your practice and you will bounce back. Keep your head up,” Anandji shares.

There is a process. This is how we progress.

Rise. Fall. Get back up. Dip. Dry. Fade.

Accept all that is arising for you with kindness, compassion and love.

Loving you,

Sara

Spoken parts from the piece, The Thing About Expectations

While I was in India, I connected with my family through texts and voice recordings. I was curious to hear my voice from the beginning of my time there and I felt called to go listen to what I recorded and shared.

While scanning the thread, I found and heard these pieces.  I recorded them one night when I was in my room writing the piece The Thing About Expectations. I had written about my experience in my journal after it happened. Then, typing it out weeks after and reading the words out loud presented me with a different way to see it. In the written form, on a screen, I was seeing the experience with a new perspective. I was no longer angry, worked up and mad, instead I found myself laughing.  In my delight, I recorded pieces for my family to hear. Now, here, I am sharing them for you to enjoy.

Smiling with joy,

Sara

Rearview Mirror Reflections

So I was driving along and this happened:

As I continued to drive, I pondered this idea of a review mirror:

I continue to be curious about what arises. Why now?  What message is being sent? What am I meant to see? What is presenting itself to me?

I am fascinated with this… always looking behind to see what is coming, so I can be prepared for what is coming at me.

This reminds me of a time when I was in the Toronto airport and my friend Erin asked me “what was wrong?” “Nothing,” I responded, “Why?” She had been watching me, my eyes were constantly scanning the restaurant and it looked as if I was not paying attention, like my mind was somewhere else. I remember being surprised. Surprised from her observation, because I was not even aware of what I was doing. Surprised when I actually noticed the thoughts in my mind. I was not aware until Erin pointed my eye gazing out to me, that I knew exactly how to get out of the restaurant if there was an emergency.  I knew which route to take, navigating the maze of tables and carry-on luggage that were in between them. I knew where the emergency doors were and the way to baggage claim.

For a long time, I lived a life of CONSTANTLY being on guard, of being hyper-vigilant. I was always on edge, waiting for something to happen, waiting for something to go wrong. 

Today, while pondering one look in the rearview mirror, this memory rose up. Today’s journey in the car is my third trip driving in five months, so I have not been looking in the rearview mirror in a literal sense. In a figurative sense, moments arise when I think of the past that I have experienced. Or it can be, that now I only look forward, not looking back to what is in my rearview mirror. Its interesting, how thoughts arise and how they vary depending on your perspective. I have always loved the Pearl Jam song rearviewmirror, I turn it up loud when it plays, especially when I am driving. I mean, the sunroof open, windows down, singing with vigor! Interestingly, I looked up the lyrics (many of you know, I make up lyrics based on what I think it hear)- which in this moment speak to me… especially this:

time to emancipate

I have regard for all of the moments have led me here. I see every moment an opportunity for me see something new about myself, to learn, to grown, to ponder, to evolve. Most of the time, I welcome them. All of the time, I am grateful. I am always noticing moments when I can have more compassion for myself, and be a kinder friend to myself.

A few recent moments have lead me to past experiences in my life.  Last week I was washing a French press, I have not washed a French press in a long time.  While standing at the sink, I also washed a certain brand of knife and placed it into a knife block. For some reason, in that moment, the French press and the knife, reminded me of moments in my past.  I know it is a French press and a knife, and when other folks look at them that is what they see. I have looked at them and seen them for what they are too, this time I was seeing them in a different way, they had a different value to them. A value that I placed on them, I am aware of that. A value and a memory that I placed on these objects.

The idea of placing value also presented itself when I noticed an iris in the garden bloomed. I replanted the irises a few weeks back, while working in the yard with my folks. The irises held no value then. I saw and honored the irises as they are, as irises. When it bloomed something was different. While my heart was happy to see it unfurl, to see it open and reveal its colors, I also noticed it stirred up other emotions, memories.

If I knew what was coming at me all of the time, I would not be surprised.  Yes, I get caught off guard, I get hooked, ego comes up and drapes his cloak over me and I can not see clearly. Yes, this happens. Is it hard? At times. Am I accepting? Most of the time. Am I grateful? Yes. I am noticing my awareness shift in the moment to have gratitude while it is happening, rather than after. And each moment, each experience is different. Some hold me longer. Some stir up anger, resentment, jealousy. Some bring tears. And other moments bring full on laughter.  Pure joy. I am pleasantly surprised by the events that unfold in my life.

As I gathered my computer and filled my empty water bottle to sit down to write, I was reminded of the moment when I filled it with crisp, fresh Himalayan water on my trek…

While I may not understand what arises and why it arises in the moment, I trust that all is as it is meant to be, for me. For every event that has happened for me in my life, has gotten me here, right now in this very moment.

Things happen for me. These moments in my life, I get to experience them. I get to show up, I get to be present. When I spend time looking behind to see what is coming, so I can be prepared for what is coming at me, I can miss moments that are happening.  When I allow my thoughts to carry me, they can take me away from the present moment and plunge me into the past.  When I add value, I am clouding my situation and not seeing things as they are.

That is how it goes I suppose. I can add the value, I can add the memory, I can even choose which memory I want to recall and I can see things for what they are. It is up to me to decide.

All of this from one glance in a rearview mirror, and I wonder why I am tired.

Time to emancipate.

Time to celebrate.

Time to liberate.

With compassion and kindness,

Sara