If we are going to hold on to anything
Anything at all, hold on to love
-Book 98, July 11, 2023
I have been journaling for 27 years and I have left traces and marks of this journey in over 106 journals and counting. I have been opening myself up, to create and hold space for myself to open the covers of journals and read entries written within their pages has been a huge task, one that has involved tears and laughter, the ability to dig deep and rise high. I have been asked to stay grounded in the present moment, knowing that while these words written, were written by me, they are traces left along this journey, this incredible journey. One in which I now know, that each step, each opportunity, each moment has led me to meet myself and know myself on a vast and expansive scale. The Auspicious Octopus, a sister website, is created and shared to share the techniques that have transformed my life. They have enabled me to access my voice, my voice within and to spread and share it here with you. The technology, techniques and tools offered there have been instrumental in supporting me on my path of self-discovery and self-love. Check it out if you are curious. You can also drop me a note to connect with me there.
Here are a few excerpts that give a glimpse of this miraculous, magical, mystical journey that I have the opportunity to call life, MY LIFE!
I can’t listen to loud things, my mind wanders and wanders as if I am constantly in a daze, people talk, I try to listen but get lost, lost in the words, time. Distracted by nothing. Sometimes I think, shut up, shut up- why do they feel the need to talk to me or that loud. Everyone. My appetite, lost. I don’t even know where to begin or what will even come of this. Hopefully some happiness from within. I am trying. That is what’s odd. I’m putting in some effort, but it feels like a waste, like these other things are more powerful and I don’t have control. I am so scared. Because I don’t want to keep going. Not at all, its horrible. A horrible feeling and I just can’t snap out of it. I’ve finally understood that. I can’t sleep because I fear never waking up, so I stay awake and allow things into my head. – Book 1 April 23, 1999
I am so scared. I feel like I am in a rut. And I do not know what to do. I try to talk- they just listen and prescribe medicine for me, but is it even working. Please tell me there are people out there who will love us for who not what I am. – Book 2 August 28, 1999
I can’t keep going on these emotions, it’s like circles around and around. I am happy and then really sad. And I cry, really hard. I feel bad and selfish. -Book 4 December 12, 2000
Another heavy-eyed morning. Sadness. Why this life. Have I become cold, heartless… thinking about everything. From Book 4, June 23, 2003
At times I wonder if I am too open, allowing information to seep in through cracks in my boundaries. I long for the day when I am good at that- good at boundaries and separating. -Book 7 February 5, 2007
Had a breakdown at school. So overwhelmed- so much to do, so many things to remember- people to send kids to, expectations to meet. It’ almost like I want to say, ‘I give 150% everyday – so I just want a few times to give 100%.’ Aghh. Pressure to continue to perform, do, grow, change, incorporate, add, this is my job, not my life! -Book 8 November 5, 2009
It really is fascinating how my mood or impression of my body varies – for instance -I can look in the mirror and think – you are beautiful, pretty, what a great smile, beautiful eyes. Oh you curled your hair – I love myself. I look cute, not frumpy. Then there are moments when I think, ugh, look at your skin, your ankles, your arms, the fat rolls on you back, your knees, your thighs, your stomach – seriously I don’t know what is worst. And I struggle with the whole positive mindset/loving self-business. There is serious work to be done- yet I seem to have NO drive to make any changes to make anything happen. It is possible, this I know. Hard- challenging- dedication- change- uncomfortableness -YET possible. I have so many excuses- tired, want to sleep, busy at work, worked late- I need to commit. - Book 11 June 1, 2011
Trying something new 20 minutes of free write each and every morning before I start my day, before my mind starts to race already is racing though as soon as I wake up too much to keep track of, document, hold on to – trying to let go and feel I am reprimanded and can’t shake the feeling – tight chest, like a ball shaking, unsettled mind, returning and returning again to situations and scenarios what could I have done differently, did I need to, is that what I am supposed to do I am unsure, tired of feeling this way, coming home sad, angry, distance, distant, upset, frustrated and and and and and annoyed that I let this become all consuming and encompassing what does it mean to let go – to not hold on and and and I am not sure what that means. - Book 14 May 30, 2015
All that matters is inside of me – my own beliefs of myself. Not the negative narrator that works to challenge me and take up mental space. I am strong. I am capable. I am willing. I am working to break away from these negative thinking patterns and thoughts – they do me no good – they limit me, they block me from enjoying life, my life, the things that I like in my life. I am strong. I can show up, I have shown up. I stand up. I can rise up and defeat this struggle, this internal struggle with myself. I no longer want these thoughts to define me. - Book 15 April 4, 2016
Life is constantly throwing interferences to get me off track. The old beaten, familiar path of self-doubt, worry of others, fear of failure needs to be returned to its natural state- like a path in the woods – sticks, rocks, obstacles, place on it so it is harder to go down. The sticks and rocks are awareness- to be mindful of what I am doing. - Book 18 April 26, 2017
Forgiveness what does that mean, forgiving myself
How did I get myself in this situation? - Book 19 February 3, 2018
I am open to receive the messages that India has to offer to raise my consciousness and guide me on my self- evolution.
– Book 27 October 28, 2018
I feel, I cry – I embody joy. I have not laughed this hard or smiled this much in so long. I was smiling the back of my head ached- the good awareness ache. Such joy- such pleasure. Freedom. I danced + danced. I shook + shook. I shook out what I don’t need. I shook it loose and it went out through my fingertips. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to lose myself again. -Book 29 Book 3 India Journals, November 2018
It became clear, apparent to me today that I can bring India here- what is wonderful about Ma India is she taught me to sit in stillness, be comfortable with myself – at ease + to tolerate discomfort of the unknown. All of that is possible here – all + more. – Book 35 December 25, 2018
All things are possible. Train myself to perceive, shift thoughts. All things are possible. And I have the ability within me. To change the way I perceive this, acknowledge the thought, let it arise and pass by. – Book 43 October 6, 2019
Instead of statements, I ask questions. Turning inward to this place of knowledge within- curious to know me, to experience me. – Book 47 November 11, 2019
Really aware – seeing now that we all have our own values and our decisions come from values- places of values- what we place value on. And folks “sacrifice” (make sacrifices- which to me are choices) based on what they value. Choices through the lens of missing out on something, giving up something can be a sacrifice. I do not use sacrifice as vocabulary. For me – no sacrifices – only life opportunities. – Book 65 August 1, 2020
I don’t like this aspect of myself, this side, aspect that is hard on myself, unforgiving, relentless, seeking control of my self and others. I don’t enjoy the feeling it brings, it meaning the components of the aspect- controlling, seeking, rigid, holding. I know. Why do I not allow myself to see? Why do I not allow myself to see or do I expect to see something and since I am not seeing I am not worthy, not deserving. This is the shit I tell myself- I meaning the lower mind. Tears - tears - tears flow to release more of what blocks me, what holds on to the rigid conditioned ways, that seek to remain in control of what I am not. - Book 68 October 6, 2020
To receive you have to relinquish, let go of control – Book 70 January 1, 2021
All of this, this pain is for you to heal. – Book 72 March 3, 2021
This battlefield against myself – I am a worthy opponent, the strongest I have found yet, the harshest, hardest, meanest, most cruel encounter in my life has been me – my mind.- Book 77 October 10, 2021
It’s not that I am not happy – it’s this battle in my mind- this constant tug- its dualistic nature. And it began to rain- rain comes to cleanse, to wash away to remind me this is here now and this too will too, will pass, not last familiar and not always the same- a new version is here and it will pass on newness, other will come for this is life, change, nothing lasts, nothing remains and I have a choice, I see that I am gripping, holding on rather than seeing + letting it go, flow, float past, walk on by I am getting hooked. I am getting drawn in. To others this has no relevance, no meaning, maybe it is similar, maybe one can relate, but it is not the same. – Book 85 June 27, 2022
Circling back to take full responsibility for my actions it is hard to face and necessary.- Book 91 December 17, 2022
The dance. Fierce. Strong. Entering with a roar. You cannot ignore me now….Strong, fierce, ferocious love. Yes, you are here and I welcome it. – Book 96 May 2, 2023
Fear holds us in these locked patterns of belief. That were once real. They were real- that is how we accumulated them, gathered them close, wore them to protect, to shield. But they aren’t necessary. They are old patterns. That we do not need now. Old belief habits, routines, patterns of the nervous system that get stuck, ingrained. We can shift them now. With our awareness of now.– Book 98 July 11, 2023
This is it. All things are cyclical. All things come back around. Healing. Seeing. Patterns and themes revealing themselves- becoming known. So excited to continue this process of Inner Wisdom- to read what has flowed through me. What I have written. The words I have chosen to shape and create my world, my life. How it has organized and designed itself around me. Two years ago, opening to love – huge expansion, gaps opened, wounds exposed and now, victim- feeling hurt, shunned, ignored, not worthy enough, didn’t fit in. All stories. Stories I wore, like cloaks. I was supported. I was held. I am supported. I am held. It’s that now, now, I no longer go looking. I no longer go searching for any of it. Love. Worthiness. Deserving. Because I know I am this. This and more. I am power. I stand in this. I don’t go looking for ways to be in power, empowered. No, I am power itself. I’ve accessed this. Accessed this through my own experience. That is how I know. Not because someone told me, or I read it. I know it because I am it. Embodied. Living it. These recent opportunities for me to access my own worth- everyone is playing their part for me to see- holding mirrors up, shining the reflection- my reflection. I determine my worth. My worthiness. My deservingness. I access the love that is me. This power. This strength. This grace. Me. Me. Me. No longer looking or searching, because it has been found. Accessed. This boundless bounty has been met. Here. In me. Within me. Within me. Wahoooo! -Book 100 September 3, 2023
Was gifted a shooting star. A clear, crisp night- stars are pronounced and as I gazed into the night sky I saw a shooting star. Ah so Beautiful. On a precipice- this interesting space of unknown and not taking for granted. It’s interesting being in this space. Acknowledging fear and doubt. Knowing not to grip, have a tight grasp, to not hold- to be grateful not taking anything for granted and meeting each moment as it comes. Fully present without expectation of future. I see how it is all related, connected to isolation, abandonment, separation all of which is leaving me, released because it no longer serves- opening me up to many possibilities. Acknowledging the impermanence of this all, fiercely with love and gratitude. Fierce love and gratitude for all that is provided, like the shooting star just now. Just like the unknown gift, delight of the shooting star just now.- Book 103, December 15, 2023
When Hanuman leapt, he knew. He had, what was present when he leapt, was a deep inner knowing. A knowing. A trust. Like me now. Nothing I feel called to explain. Aware that others don’t believe [in me] and doubt [me and sharing this book]. And within me is a deep knowing, [an] unshakable truth that this is the step, the leap in fact -this is what is being called, what is necessary and relevant- all else comes after. This is all that is being asked of me now. And I take steps and act in knowing, deep trust.- Book 104, January 13, 2024
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