Rearview Mirror Reflections

So I was driving along and this happened:

As I continued to drive, I pondered this idea of a review mirror:

I continue to be curious about what arises. Why now?  What message is being sent? What am I meant to see? What is presenting itself to me?

I am fascinated with this… always looking behind to see what is coming, so I can be prepared for what is coming at me.

This reminds me of a time when I was in the Toronto airport and my friend Erin asked me “what was wrong?” “Nothing,” I responded, “Why?” She had been watching me, my eyes were constantly scanning the restaurant and it looked as if I was not paying attention, like my mind was somewhere else. I remember being surprised. Surprised from her observation, because I was not even aware of what I was doing. Surprised when I actually noticed the thoughts in my mind. I was not aware until Erin pointed my eye gazing out to me, that I knew exactly how to get out of the restaurant if there was an emergency.  I knew which route to take, navigating the maze of tables and carry-on luggage that were in between them. I knew where the emergency doors were and the way to baggage claim.

For a long time, I lived a life of CONSTANTLY being on guard, of being hyper-vigilant. I was always on edge, waiting for something to happen, waiting for something to go wrong. 

Today, while pondering one look in the rearview mirror, this memory rose up. Today’s journey in the car is my third trip driving in five months, so I have not been looking in the rearview mirror in a literal sense. In a figurative sense, moments arise when I think of the past that I have experienced. Or it can be, that now I only look forward, not looking back to what is in my rearview mirror. Its interesting, how thoughts arise and how they vary depending on your perspective. I have always loved the Pearl Jam song rearviewmirror, I turn it up loud when it plays, especially when I am driving. I mean, the sunroof open, windows down, singing with vigor! Interestingly, I looked up the lyrics (many of you know, I make up lyrics based on what I think it hear)- which in this moment speak to me… especially this:

time to emancipate

I have regard for all of the moments have led me here. I see every moment an opportunity for me see something new about myself, to learn, to grown, to ponder, to evolve. Most of the time, I welcome them. All of the time, I am grateful. I am always noticing moments when I can have more compassion for myself, and be a kinder friend to myself.

A few recent moments have lead me to past experiences in my life.  Last week I was washing a French press, I have not washed a French press in a long time.  While standing at the sink, I also washed a certain brand of knife and placed it into a knife block. For some reason, in that moment, the French press and the knife, reminded me of moments in my past.  I know it is a French press and a knife, and when other folks look at them that is what they see. I have looked at them and seen them for what they are too, this time I was seeing them in a different way, they had a different value to them. A value that I placed on them, I am aware of that. A value and a memory that I placed on these objects.

The idea of placing value also presented itself when I noticed an iris in the garden bloomed. I replanted the irises a few weeks back, while working in the yard with my folks. The irises held no value then. I saw and honored the irises as they are, as irises. When it bloomed something was different. While my heart was happy to see it unfurl, to see it open and reveal its colors, I also noticed it stirred up other emotions, memories.

If I knew what was coming at me all of the time, I would not be surprised.  Yes, I get caught off guard, I get hooked, ego comes up and drapes his cloak over me and I can not see clearly. Yes, this happens. Is it hard? At times. Am I accepting? Most of the time. Am I grateful? Yes. I am noticing my awareness shift in the moment to have gratitude while it is happening, rather than after. And each moment, each experience is different. Some hold me longer. Some stir up anger, resentment, jealousy. Some bring tears. And other moments bring full on laughter.  Pure joy. I am pleasantly surprised by the events that unfold in my life.

As I gathered my computer and filled my empty water bottle to sit down to write, I was reminded of the moment when I filled it with crisp, fresh Himalayan water on my trek…

While I may not understand what arises and why it arises in the moment, I trust that all is as it is meant to be, for me. For every event that has happened for me in my life, has gotten me here, right now in this very moment.

Things happen for me. These moments in my life, I get to experience them. I get to show up, I get to be present. When I spend time looking behind to see what is coming, so I can be prepared for what is coming at me, I can miss moments that are happening.  When I allow my thoughts to carry me, they can take me away from the present moment and plunge me into the past.  When I add value, I am clouding my situation and not seeing things as they are.

That is how it goes I suppose. I can add the value, I can add the memory, I can even choose which memory I want to recall and I can see things for what they are. It is up to me to decide.

All of this from one glance in a rearview mirror, and I wonder why I am tired.

Time to emancipate.

Time to celebrate.

Time to liberate.

With compassion and kindness,

Sara