Connecting to Breath, a Journey into Meditation

All life is change. Constant change.

For me, life is an opportunity to grow, to evolve.

I was pleasantly surprised with a noticing that became apparent through an opportunity the other day when my niece tap, tap, tapped my shoulder while I was in mediation…

Meditation was not something I did regularly; it was not part of my actions, my choices.  I resisted sitting with myself in stillness, in silence.  I had no desire to do either – to be with myself in stillness or to be with myself in silence.  I would do whatever I could to avoid myself, avoid being alone with my self, avoid being in silence with myself. I was afraid. I was afraid of what would arrive, which thoughts would arrive, which thoughts would present themselves to me. I wanted nothing to do with my thoughts. I wanted to avoid them. I sought every opportunity to ignore them, reasoning to myself, that by ignoring them, I would be controlling them.

Then I went to India and each day we would start with a meditation.  The first few days, I had no idea what to do and I was not comfortable with asking for help, revealing that I did not know. (* The above picture was taken by a friend Jennifer while on a ghat in Varanasi during my first week in India. Oh how easy it is to be deceived, tricked by what the mind sees and the stories it tells itself). I had seen folks mediate in photos. I ‘knew’ how to sit, what to look like on the outside. I had no idea about what to do on the inside. I thought I had to still my thoughts, to stop them.

I was introduced to meditation, by becoming aware of my breath, by noticing and regulating my breath, while attending the Sattva Summit in 2018.  I learned a breath technique called Breath of Light and through experiences with that technique I began to be aware of my breath, I was able to regulate my breath.  I was able to connect with my breath in a way that I had not done previously.

I know and am aware that my breath is always here, breathing me, breathing life into me.  I also knew that my breath could be regulated. It was not lost on me that I could control my breath. I was very good at holding my breath and not breathing. I had been told to be aware of my breath, to take deep breaths “to calm down,” “to center myself,” “to deescalate my anger,” “to stop crying” or “stop hyperventilating.” I was told to do these things in the moment; I did not have any previous experiences to pull on to ground, to center, to calm, to stop…. I did not have any experience connecting to and anchoring myself in or with my breath. To me, being told to breathe to calm down, to stop crying, to center myself was frustrating rather that helpful.  I felt I was being told to do something, controlled. I felt I was misunderstood, telling myself, “they do not know what I am going through, what I am in. I cannot just stop it, it is not that easy. Its complicated.”

I did not know the power of my breath until I began to experience it.  Now I know.

How did I come to know this?  How did this knowingness arrive? 

Practice.

I actually showed up and did it.

I committed to doing it.

I made a commitment to myself to breath.

I held myself accountable.

I added it to my day.

Yes, I added it to my day. That is how it felt at first. It felt like an addition. One more thing to do.  I made up so many stories. So many excuses. I didn’t have time. I didn’t want to. It is not going to help. It is not going to make a difference. It is uncomfortable. I will be difficult. It felt like an obligation rather than an act of devotion or an offering to/for myself. So in the beginning I literally added it to my day, I added it.  It was an addition. It was one more thing to do. 

ONE. MORE. THING. TO. DO

I took this photo after my morning mediation while on a trek in the Himalayas, near Uttarakashi in Uttarakhand.

Now, it is a ritual. An integral aspect of my day. It is not a part, not a piece. It is not something that I have to do. It is not something I feel obligated to do, to get done, to accomplish. No, that is not how I see it. Not how I perceive it. 

Breathing is a gift of life. Breathing is the gift of life. No breath. No life in the body.

There is no end to the journey of mediation. No destination. No arrival.  No end point. No accomplishment.  It simply is. Each time, each moment within mediation is different. Each moment is new. It does not get “old.” 

I seek the quiet, still moments with myself. I long for the opportunity to turn inward.  To witness what arises. To receive the offerings from the silence. To connect with my Self. To be with my Self.

Am I good at it?  Am I doing it right?  These were questions that would arise for me in the beginning. These thoughts, this worry no longer arises for me, there is no relevance. What is right? What is wrong? What is good? What is bad? These questions have no value.  What one does in mediation is their journey, their path. What happens for one in their mediation is their journey, their path.  What I do in my mediation is for me. What happens in my mediation is for me.

It is all a gift. An offering. An opportunity for me to be with my Self.

I get it now. I have experiences with my breath; I have experience connecting with my Self through my breath, as I breathe. 

I come from a place of knowing, from experience, when I want to share, when I want to offer the importance of breath. I know that I place value on it. I know how connecting with my breath has been for me. The power it brings. The power it offers. The power I have accessed, available within me when I connect to my breath.

It was not always this way.  I had to start somewhere. In the beginning it was one day. Now each day is day one. Each day is a new beginning. 

There have been moments when I am immersed deep within and no thing is happening, no thing matters.

There have been moments, moments that sometimes lead across days when I only thought about what I would wear during the day. (Note: I started getting dressed for the day before starting my mediation to avoid this distraction all together).

There have been moments when I look at the clock during my practice to see how much time has passed.

There have been moments when I look at the clock at the end of my practice and am in awe of how much linear time has passed.

There are moments when thoughts arise and I follow them, in awe with how quickly I can get swept up in them, carried away. I smile, I chuckle and I return to my breath.

There are moments when no thoughts arise, and then, there in the stillness, in the silence my ego shows up, attempting to grab my attention.

There were moments, when I sat riverside in India, where dogs and cows would approach me. The dogs would lick me and the cows would nudge me- simultaneously bringing me out of my mediation into the external world while laughing.

There are moments when I sit in stillness with no movement.

There are moments when my body moves.

There are moments when my feet fall asleep and the tingling sensation rises up my leg.

There have been moments when bugs have landed and crawled on me. One time something bit my eye.

There are moments when I am able to ignore the external sounds- people sneezing, coughing, donkeys braying, saws cutting, vacuums vacuuming, my niece coming in and out of the room, bringing in her stuffies and arranging them on pillows next to me.

While I was not in my mediation here… this photo was taken while I was listening to guided mediation that I recorded. My nieces heard my voice, set up Ophelia next to me on a cushion and took a photo.

And then, there was the tap, tap, tap from tiny hand on my shoulder. A pause. A deep breath in and I opened my eyes.  There was my niece. She was standing in front of me, expressing her request for help when she went to the bathroom- a request that I could not ignore. 

I lifted my self up. I assisted her in the bathroom. I sat back down. I closed my eyes. I dropped in.

Just. Like. That.

A pleasant surprise. A charmed delight. One I continue to marvel at. I ‘left’ my cushion. I ‘left’ my mediation seat and yet, I remained in that awareness state. I remained in that calm, internal place, while simultaneously being in the external world, in a day to day experience.

It is possible. It is possible to connect to my breath, to maintain a sense of calm and ease in my everyday life. Grateful I softened in to my resistance and began. Began. Started at the beginning. Day One. Smiling with delight and enjoying it all.  The within and the without. The internal and external.

 In awe and gratitude,

Sara