(You are the only one who can) Set Yourself Free

Let’s be with this.

There is a lot here. It may seem complex. Resistance may arise. Anger. Perhaps an inner scoff paired with dismissive words.

It is also simple. Simple. Yes, simple.

I am the only one who can set myself free.

You are the only one who can set yourself free.

It is so easy, and we have become accustomed to placing blame on others, without even thinking about it we take on a victim stance. We are consumed by this victim mentality. That someone, some thing, some event, some experience is out to ruin us, make us miserable, make life hard. That something other than ourselves, something outside of us is what causes our misery and suffering.

I know this, because I used to live like this. I lived in this fog, this hazy smoke that clouded my view, distorted my perception and outsourced all - everything that was wrong and not right - on something outside of me. The traffic light, a person, not having the color that I wanted, not getting the timing right when I cooked. I would look to blame anything outside of me for the current state of how I was feeling.

Until I began to sit with myself. Until the only thing that was familiar was me. It was then, when I began to see my patterns, my tendencies, my ways of interacting and projecting. When everything of comfort, all of my diversion tactics and ways to distract were removed and I was forced, invited, made to sit with myself I began to see.

I say force, invited, made to because it at some time has felt like either or all of these. Events happen, things change and they send you on a trajectory that you may not have planned for, wanted, ever thought about or could believe would ever happen. And yet they did. Over and over this would happen. And each time, there I was. In it. In this. This which surprised me, caught me off guard, snuck up on me. Sitting with this. My mind swirling with the thoughts and questions- wait, did this really just happen? Is this happening? What just happened?

Have you ever felt like this? Sometimes these thoughts happen in the moment, or slightly after. For me, in the beginning, it began the morning after. I would open my eyes, still in the daze of sleep, the simple moments before my mind turned on and then bam, I would be shocked, dismayed, confused and plunge deep into – oh my, this is real. This really happened.

I would review and analyze everything I said, every action I took trying to figure out how I got here. Questioning, doubting, blaming, shaming, doing whatever I could, any action all the while trying to ignore the truth. Attempting to reconfigure the outcome of reality that I was sitting with, sitting in. The reality of the truth that was.

And then I began to realize that the reality of the truth of what was, was based on my mind. The thoughts of my mind. I could be a victim. I could be a hero. I could be a martyr. I could blame myself, I could blame another person, I could blame the circumstances, I could blame an action. I wanted to run, hide, sleep, die. Anything I could to make it all go away, to not have to face the truth. To not have to deal. To not see.

Shifts came, and slowly, slowly I learned that I could accept. I could acknowledge. I could sit and be. I could take responsibility for my actions, my words, my participation, my role. That I did not have to be a victim. That I did not have to be a hero. That I did not have to be wronged or right. That I did not have to like or dislike what was happening. I did not have to have a preference on any of it. I could simply be with it.

Simply be with it.

It. The feeling, the thought. The emotion. They are all separate and appear wrapped up to be the same. I became aware of this when I began to see them. When I began to notice them. Sometimes this noticing came from another person, they would offer a different perspective to me that prompted me to see from another vantage point. Sometimes, after the sensations passed, I would have bouts of clarity. Sometimes, in the midst of the storm, a clearing would open up and I would get what was happening and still feel the grip of emotion. Sometimes I would talk it out and unpack it, asking questions to reveal more and more- the stuff that was hidden underneath, the stuff that was hiding.

This hidden stuff, is the stuff that at times felt like it was lurking, was actually showing me what is here. What was under the surface at the foundation; what was at the root. Once the roots were revealed, I was able to ‘see’ more. More of the patterns, the tendencies, the reactions, the habits. This invisible hidden stuff became visible, in a sense for me to see. I began to notice the sensations that would arise that would indicate a reaction rather than a response. I noticed the desire to run and would chose to sit. I noticed the desire to talk to explain and justify and I would be quiet. I would notice when I wanted to say something and old way would tell me not to and I my voice would rise up from within.

I began to play.

Yes, I began to play. With wonder and curiosity, I began to play.

What would happen if I……? What happens when…….? How will this play out if I …….?

I was able to sit back enough to watch. To separate out the doing and the doer. The subtle difference between a reaction and a response. I began to notice the sensations in my body when I was getting lit up and activated. I began to notice where the sensations were in my body, which provided me space to choose rather than be taken over by a pattern, habit or engrained tendency.

It was this space, this space that I gave myself that helped me see more. More and more stuff was revealed. Stuff at times I did not want to see. Stuff at times I did not have the energy to deal with. Stuff at times that I felt I did not have the capacity to endure. Why me? I would ask. What more do you want from me? There were feelings of despondency, of defeat, of doubt. The questions and curiously became more about why am I here, why am I doing this?

And then, as everything does, it would pass. The clouds would part, the sun would shine.

The night would end, dawn would break.

And it got me thinking. Is night the end of light? Or is it the eve of dawn?

I’m not in a rigid place where it has to be one or another, it could be both or neither.

What intrigues me though, is this idea, that night can be the end and the eve. It all depends on how we look at it, and how we look at it is dependent on our current state. For me, that is the current state of my mind and the current state of my nervous system- which I have learned is deeply engrained and patterned with responses and reaction that have been set in place for years. Years.

This is where my practice comes in, the practice to be able to separate, to not cling, grasp or hold. To not identify with. To not label or define. To not try to make meaning or understand, categorize or wonder why. Rather, the invitation is to notice. To be aware. To be.

And it is here, here is the open vast space, this field where everything fades and drops. I lay down all of it. The tendencies, the stories, the projections, the ideas, the desires, the wants. All of it goes and what remains is a still, quiet space that is filled, infused, swirling with love.

This is where the crying and giggling comes in simultaneously. Crying with a sense of release and openness. Giggling with delight that I was gripping and holding on and causing so much pain. Crying that I was gripping and holding which was causing so much suffering and giggling with the awareness that once I let go I was met, surrounded, enveloped in love and bliss.

Anger that my gripping and holding prevented me from experiencing this bliss and love. Gratitude that the gipping and holding offered me the opportunity to release, drop and lay it all down so I could experience bliss and love.

It is not one or the other. One does not come first and the other after. It is not this linear aspect of time that I have been taught to work with, it is all at the same time. Simultaneously. Together. One is not dependent on the other. One does not rely on the other. There is no cause and effect. No first and then. These are constructs of the human mind, this is not how things work with the Divine. There is a whole new playing field here, once we get out of our own way. There is a whole new world, once we set ourselves free. The question is, are you willing to drop, release and let go all that you know? All that you have come to depend on, trust, rely on as the way things are? Are you willing to see the potential that there is another way? Are you willing to let aspects of yourself die and dissolve, crumble and fade?

Are you willing to explore the idea that the end is simply the eve?

Meeting you here, swirling in this bliss.

Sara