This Thing Called Time

Ah, time.

Time. My relationship with you has evolved within you. My understanding and experiences of you continue to shift and change, defying what I have previous come to know as time.

We often think of time in a linear way.  Like a sequence, one thing before the other, in succession. Much of my relationship with time, I have discovered, has been circumstantial- first this, then this. For this to happen, this must happen.  I am discovering that I no longer buy into the narrative.

I have been spending my time, focusing my awareness on nature and her cycles - from the seasons to the phases of the moon - and what I am discovering is that things come and go. While events can have similarities, no two events are the same. No two moments are the same. They cannot be, for what unfolded to allow the events to present themselves at one moment are different than the next or this moment.  What can be, can never be again. What was, will not be again.

Each moment can only be the way it is in combination with the events that have led to the current moment. The way we show up to each moment is unique the to circumstances that led us there.

Ah, time.

This thing called time. This concept of time.

I have an interesting relationship with time. There are moments where an hour feels like a few minutes or a few minutes feel like hours. I acknowledge that there are things that I want and desire to happen and I set a timeframe for when ideally it will be, which also often means how it will go. When I do this, I am learning that I am not trusting the natural intelligence of timing. Instead, I am imposing or forcing my ideal on how and when things should be. As if I can control time. Ah, as if I could control time.

I have been opening up and noticing this desire. This desire of how and when I want things to be, how I think things can align and play out in a way that is best and ideal for me. This desire and wanting emerges from my current stance, for the benefit of my current stance. This is what I am noticing. Do you know what I am discovering?  I am seeing that my understanding and concept of time is very different than the way things actually play out.

I want something to happen and then years later it does. And things I never dreamed about, happen.

My relationship with time is warped. Sometimes I feel so much pressure by time that I feel I might self combust if something does not happen by or within the timeframe I set. This feeling is an all encompassing feeling of dread and despondency, of what did I do wrong and why do I not deserve. Then, there is another layer that is the simplicity and complexity of setting time frames and my relationship while interacting with them. It can feel imposing and limiting or empowering and freeing and it is these interactions with time that I have been sitting with. It comes from this I want and I desire space, it emerges from this place of I want and I desire and recently, when I find myself here, I have started asking myself, “What is underneath this? What is behind this? What is driving this?” 

In some way, it is connected to the belief that things come quickly and that fast and now is better. I hear comments in my mind, get it over with, go ahead and do it, now is the time, why wait, and they do not resonate with me anymore. I do not buy into them in the same way I used to before. Even saying this has a notion of time embedded in it.

For time is change. Time is indicated by change. Change happens and is marked by time. Time marks change. What has come, what has been. What is coming, what might be.

I rarely focus on the present moment in my thinking. Can you even think of the present moment, or is that taking you out of it and brining you into the thinking space….. I often find that I have been carried off by my thoughts into the future or into the past. I have techniques to root and ground myself into the present moment. However, what I find is that left to its own device, my mind has a plan of its own and it likes to generate thoughts. This is what my mind likes to do. It seems that this is what my mind was designed to do - to think. Think, all of the time. Analyze, ponder, wonder, question, doubt, worry… It is within these thoughts, thoughts generated by my mind, that plan and desire how I want things to be. Or rather it is the want and desire that generates the thoughts on how I think things should be. And honestly, it rarely, if ever goes as planned. I am usually either surprised and delighted with how things unfold or I am bummed and disappointed, let down.  And this I know is paired with my current consciousness state, they play into one another, they feed each other. How one is, influences one another. And all this, I am discovering is based on my desires and wants. If it exceeds what I thought, I am charmed and in awe. If it does not live up to what I thought it would be, I find myself wishing it went another way. Sometimes I am indifferent to it all, like it is just a ho hum moment. Sometimes, I’m finding, to my immense delight that I feel nothing. Not indifferent, it is more of a non-attachment, not clinging to one way or another. It is neutrality. Feeling neutral. This is not a not caring, for I care deeply, this I know. It is trust. It is surrender. It is acceptance for things being they way they are. A softening towards what is rather than a resistance and desire for it to be another way.

Sometimes the pull to want something is so strong I no longer see clearly. Everything that surrounds me becomes blurry, distorted and I feel confused. Wondering what happened? The desire to have something is so strong it has created an image in my mind of how it will be and when it is not that way, I find myself disoriented, in an unfamiliar space. I used to live here, in this space for long stretches of time. Living in this hazy blur of time. Confused and perplexed, wondering how did I get here, when here is so different than where I thought I would be. Oh yes, where I thought I would be when I left the present moment and dreamed up how the next moment will unfold, all to be the way I want them to be. This pull to want to control, this desire to want things to be a certain way is so strong I have to catch myself when it happens and it is here, when I ask myself why? Why do I have a preference or tendency to want things to be a certain way? What am I seeking?  Am I seeking comfort? Approval? Connection? A different sensation or feeling to replace what I am experiencing?

I do not have an answer to these questions. I am simply sharing that they are here, that this new awareness is here and I am invited to sit and stay with them. Be with them in this way, this way of wonder and awe.

Because, really, the whole reason I am here is rooted in this place of wonder and awe. How did I get here? How have I arrived here? How has life unfolded as me to bring me here? And if life can only be the way that I am, I want to continue to meet it in new ways, rather than the ways it has already been. For I know that I can not control life, I know this because I have tried. I have used a lot of energy trying to control and plan life, not just mine, but other people’s lives too.  And I know that these attempts are not good uses of my time, energy or attention. I already know that way, I have already experienced those ways.

The greatest moments I have encountered in life, the ones that have had me drop to my knees, melt, blur time, scream out loud, laugh with delight and awe and bring me to stillness - these moments have not been planned. These moments are the moments in which I met myself, discovered aspects of myself that I did not know were here, did not know was me, have been my greatest moments of learning.

So yes please, bring newness on!

I am ready for new, new ways of seeing, new ways of being, new ways of relating.  

While I was in India, I would hear the phrases, “slowly, slowly” and “everything in its time.” Embedded within these words and the space between them is an invitation of trust. To surrender to the natural intelligence that brought me here. The intelligence that knows, the inner knowing. The knowing within that requires no thought. No thought. Only presence.

Meeting you in this awe with wonder,

Sara