Suspended in Love

And here we are.  Emerging after another dip, dive, fall.  The analogy of climbing came to me with this one. As if I was climbing and the holds that I am used to grasping or gripping for my feet and hands are crumbling, dissolving. I am left searching in panic, frantically for something, anything to cling to, any resemblance of something familiar and known. I begin to descend, plunging and what ends up happening is I realize I am caught and held, suspended in the harness, dangling in this love, held love is this love, suspended in this love. Love that I set, love that I connected to, love as I discovered as I was climbing, as I have been taking the steps to ascend. This safety net that is this immense love, love that is always here, the foundation and space that surrounds.

I am 33 days into a practice. There is a clarity that comes with this new practice, that I can not fall. That I am always held. She lulls me. She holds me. She reminds me that she is always here. And when I say she, I mean the ever present, enveloping Love. It is love that I plunge into over and over again. Each time deeper and more expansive. This awareness comes to me with a new understanding of the fluctuations. We always return to the place that we maintain the most. Leading me to think about my journey, the steps that I have taken, the events that have unfolded.

That which I have come to rely on, hold on to, grip is dissolving, is crumbling, is no longer there. All that I can locate, all that is here is love. A vast, expansive field of love. Love that has always been here. Love that I am discovering in new ways all of the time.

As I drop the old stories, patterns. The self-negating thoughts, the self-deprecating thoughts, the self-violent thoughts, thoughts of doubt and worry, thoughts of not enough and scarcity, thoughts to control and manipulate- all of these thoughts that I have picked up and worn as garments, for ease, familiarity and comfort. All of these are being stripped away, taken away. And with each layer gone, I come closer and closer to myself, my true self. I access my voice. Not the voice that has been spoken to me. Not the projections of fear and confinement that have been engrained in me, that express as my thoughts and my voice. There is a separation now, I see how I have been trained, conditioned- that there are thoughts that are not mine. That I willingly took them on as mine, to fit in, to diminish and shut off aspects of myself to be accepted. And I know that we do not steal, we do not take that which is not ours, so I am not longer taking these on, welcoming them in. I see them. Yes, I acknowledge them. I give gratitude to them, for they are the foundation on what I have been built, and I no longer need this foundation, for I am held, dangling, suspended in love.

I have a choice now of what I want to draw in close. I have a choice of what types of seeds I want to plant in the fertile earth of my mind and heart. Before, I willing took all of the seeds in. Now, through commitment to myself and my practice; I have developed discernment and in this I have a choice, I have many choices. The whole field of possibilities are open and available to me. I get to decide. I choose how and what and when and why. I have reconnected to the ability to sense what feels aligned and in harmony and I know the signals I receive when it is not. This awareness is huge. This awareness is the foundation which enables me to discern. When before I would take it all, now I choose. I have techniques and strategies in place that support and embrace me, rather than drain and deplete me.

Yesterday in practice I was a seed. I followed the journey of a seed in the fertile ground of the earth. As it put it roots out and sprouted it began to ascend and rise up. Firmly planted, rooted to the earth, standing tall for all the world to see. To provide air to breathe, shade as respite, stable support to lean or lay, awe and beauty to behold. To be a listening ear, to receive your deepest longings and to share the voice, the intelligence of nature herself, LOVE.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

In peace, with peace, as peace.

Sara