Being with the Intensity of Life

This piece is written in response to a question that my aunt sent to me. This question is the first in a series of 9. I received this question as an invitation to reflect, I invite you to do the same. I share it here with you now.

What was your most meaningful accomplishment of 2020?

This is an interesting question; it can be interpreted in so many ways. I noticed how quickly my mind led me to tangible accomplishments, things I have done so I can check a box and say, “complete” or to say to someone, “this is what I have done.” When I caught my thoughts, I realized, no that is not what is most meaningful. Accomplishing does mean doing something and for me, my most meaningful accomplishment is the ability to be with the intensity of life. What does that mean, one may ask. What does that mean, I ask myself.

For most of my life, I have lived externally- seeking validation on where I stand, what I do, how I am supposed to be from others. There have always been times when I sought control of the outer world, to create order, to fix, to solve, to ease, to cease what is happening around me. I have also allowed events of life to pull me, divert me, distract me, determine how I feel, where I stand. I felt I was a victim to the world, of the world, that everything was happening to me, that I deserved this suffering fueled by self hatred and self violent thoughts, because I did something wrong, because I was wrong. Somewhere along my journey in life, I came to believe that life was conditional and if I wanted to live a good life, I needed to earn it. To me, earning a good life meant sacrificing my needs, placing everyone around me before myself because, as I justified myself, putting myself first is selfish.

Now that I have developed a relationship with my self, I see how this self is here now, available for me to access. One that has always been here, patiently waiting for me to acknowledge, to greet, to become acquainted.  One that is here for me to turn towards, to tune in to. I tend to this relationship by spending time and getting to know myself. I observe myself, noticing how I interact, respond, what I choose to say, what I choose to not say. I am curious with my self, asking my self questions while watching, observing and noticing what I do- knowingly and unknowingly. I know now, from experience, that all is happening for me. Every moment, every interaction is an opportunity for me to see, to learn, to grow, to evolve. Now, when feelings arise, when the desire to run, hide, escape, scream, control, fix, remove and/or numb myself from all that happens, a softer response arises. It is not a drastic reaction; instead I access grace that lies beneath all of this. In accessing this place, I am not removing myself; I am still where I am, here. I have not gone anywhere. The events of the world happen, my life unfolds and I remain here, stable, steady, grounded in this deeper sense of self while trusting that all is happening for me. 

Folks often say, "let go." I did not know what that meant, how does one let go? What am I supposed to let go of?  Does one simply stop caring, stop engaging, stop living? I have explored this deeply, witnessing when I hold on to something, when become hooked by something, or allow something to stick to me. I become aware. I notice how I feel when I am trapped and held, when my grip tightens around the thing that "got me," how my thoughts carry me away from the present moment attempting to justify, explain, defend, reason. It all happens so fast, it is as if I have a cloak placed over me, I become blinded, disoriented everything is dark and hazy and I cannot see clearly. Knowing I have spent much of my life here, in this place, I consciously choose to no longer be in that space, to no longer be held, to no longer feel the need to hold on, to grip and I choose to open my hand, my heart and my eyes and to let go and allow grace in. It is not complicated; it is not a complex process. It takes dedication and tending to, as is anything we care deeply about. Every moment is an opportunity for me to see I have a choice, to hold on or let go. As soon as I am aware that I have been hooked, snared, caught or trapped, as soon as I notice that I am holding on, I soften and let go. I leave it there and step forward.  One step at a time.