What Is Here? What Is Arising For Me to See?

If you are interested in hearing me read this piece, here it is:

What is here? What is arising for me to see?

Noticing planning and control. Organizing and arranging how my day will go, play out, be. What I will do and what I will not do.

I told myself I would be in silence, that I would not reach out to or talk to anyone. I sent two texts and received an audio message. So does that mean I am not in silence. And to whom am I answering to. Only me. I am doing this only for me. Not for anyone else.

I’m placing limitations and binds on what I can do- do not eat sugar, do not eat at all, eat only veggies. Do not have any dairy. Certainly not the m&m’s you found in the cabinet.

Why do I place these confines on myself? These restrictions? Why do I fill up my time with need to’s, should’s and have to’s? What am I missing when I hold myself to these structures? These attempts to plan and control rather than meet what comes, the moment that is upon me.

I have done that. I noticed my body wanted to rest, so I crawled back into bed for a nap, a nap in which I dropped into deep sleep for over an hour and a half. When I place ideas, thoughts and ways of being on myself, then I am missing what is here.

I notice it with lists. Lists of things to accomplish and to do, to get done. In all fairness, since I am writing for me as a way to talk with myself, some of the lists have been written to leave traces of the ideas that come in the flow state. However, there are no time limits or obligations on when they need to get done by. Obviously, I want to continue to utilize the energy and the momentum to birth this which wants to come into form. And, the call right now, in this moment is to be still. To move slowly.

I know that I am in communion, I know that I am in a dance of reciprocity. That I am being offered things and receiving them all at once. I saw this in my dream, an AI, virtual attendant showed up- arms bent, palms facing up- the universal gesture of offering and receiving. I know I am in this.

So why do I feel the need to control? What is here? These old patterns of obligations and need to, these routines of planning and crafting out the day so I do not feel or get labeled as lazy or letting time pass me by and not utilizing it. Oh. Not utilizing it. The energy that is here.

I get wrapped up and caught up in the notion of production, of producing something tangible that one can see, hold. An outward expression of my time. A product to show that I have done something, that I am worthy. Good. Productive. These lists, checked off rather than left unticked. Markers of what I have done, accomplished. Yes, this is here. This is a piece of what is here.

This stillness. This quiet being. Accessing this space within myself. Not a lot of noise or busyiness around me. Not much to divert or distract my attention. For me to be with what is.

Last week I was charmed to learn, upon reflection, that the intention I set to be in stillness and silence came to be. I had an opportunity to be alone, to be alone with myself with no thing else to do or places to be. With that space and time, I thought that I would have some grandiose practices- journeys, mediations, kriya sets. Instead, I took two naps. I laid on my mat in shavasana/shivasana and had my feet up the wall. I sat. I walked. I looked at nature. I ate. That was my day. When H asked me the next day how my time in silence was, I caught myself in laughter. It was exactly what I sought. My mind was silent and my body was still.

And, two days ago, knowing I was stepping into more alone time, much needed and called for alone time, time to reconnect with myself, I received an invitation to sit and be with the Goddesses. The Dasha Mahavidyas. And, as this day is unfolding, that is how I am sharing my time. With them. Reading, contemplating, reflecting, pondering, noticing and witnessing, all within their loving, fierce gaze.

This morning, when I woke I noticed apprehension. An aversion. Second guessing my commitment to sit for a Mahasadhana. Aware of the trepidation, I asked myself, what is behind this? What is under this? What is driving this? What is at the root of this? And, if you know me, it will come to no surprise that fear was here. Yep. Fear. Fear of what? Fear of accessing my greatness. Fear of tapping into my strengths. See, the Ten Great Wisdom Goddesses are not outside of me, they are not deities that I worship, they are aspects of me and I was, I am being invited to activate them. To tap into them. To meet myself in my power, my strengths, my gifts and this has me scared. Scared to face myself, to sit with myself and see what arises. Yes, this is here. I am fearful of my own strength, which is why I have been playing small, hiding, shying away. Holding myself in these limiting beliefs and reductive patterns.

And I know from experience that the Dasha Mahavidyas, not reading about them, rather, working with them, their power, their energy, their siddhis that they are full on. Full value. No joke. They bring it all to the surface, leaving nothing unturned. It is scary and blissful all at the same time. Freeing and elevating- this power to look myself full on, face myself fully and see what is holding me back. Which is me, stories I have picked up, narratives I take on, cloaks I wear to conform, to stay the same.

So, I am here. Yes, I ate the m&m’s. Yes, I ate dairy. Yes, I enjoyed both of them. These are events, moments that are neutral. Only I am attaching value, like and dislike, a certain preference towards or away from. These attachments are based on old ways of being, of being spoken to, of taking on others ways of being as if they are mine. And in these moments, the only person I am answering to, accountable to, aware of is me. Me. Only me. And since I am aware, since I am catching myself, I can do something about it.

So I sit. I face myself. I face my fears. I meet what is here. I am open to receive, knowing that everything that arises, all that rises to the surface from the dark depths of the recesses of my being, is here to liberate me from the very stories that bind, they cannot thrive in the light, only in the dark. And this dance, this dance in the shadows, that I have done with (have you ever danced with your shadow, it really is lovely, I have to say. I enjoy dancing with my shadow immensely) is beautiful. It is beautiful to meet myself in the space of light and dark. To have the depth rise up and have the bliss descend down and meet, comingle, converge at my heart center and open me up, open me up fully to love, the love that is here, the grace that is here. The love that is me. The grace that is me.

Flowing in this love.

Sharing this grace.

Dancing in this merging.

With arms open wide, welcoming it all, all of it in.

Hugging you,

PS. I sat with them. We were together, held in their grace and wisdom, held in my grace and wisdom for a long, long while. I love facing myself fully. It is beautiful. Beautiful beyond words.