It’s Graduation Day!

Some commitments that I have made have come to an end and when I shared this the other day the response I received was, “You are graduating!”  The words gave me pause.

Rather than an end, I was being invited to see this time as a graduation. A Graduation. Time. Seeing.

Graduation. A marking of an end of a course, a ceremony marking a completion of a course of study by a student.

Ah so. Yes.

I have come to see time as a gift, and how I choose to utilize and share my time as an investment. Yes, time as an investment. I’ve been working with exploring my notion of time, my concept of time. How I work with it, how I engage with it, my relationship with it.

And this idea of work. What work is and what is worthy of the name “work?”

I know that for the past four years I have been working on myself. When I say work, I mean, establishing a relationship with myself, getting to know myself, meeting myself in all the ways.  This, I have come to realize is a wise and worthy investment. A great use of my time. To invest in myself.

In this sense though, in regards to what we typically think of as work, as working for someone, something, some organization or company, some structure and getting money in return, or as an exchange.

I have been holding on to this notion of work. And I have been fluctuating back and forth between the value of the name work. Somehow, I have been tangled in the notion that work is only worthy of the name work if I have some sort of financial income as a result.

Ever since I left the world of jobs with salaries and benefits, I have been exploring this idea of work.  And I have been sitting with what I have been actually doing with my time. It has become clear that I have been investing in myself. Investing my time in developing a relationship with myself. I have been back and forth on how to “share” this with others, when a go to question is “What do you do for work?” I was surprised when I found myself sharing, “I am studying myself, I am engaged in a deep study of self.”

Which is true, I have. I have been for years. Four years. Five years. Six? What is worthy of describing time? I have always been engaged with curiosity and exploring why I am here and the role I play (more on that in another piece). I consider myself to be a lifelong student, here to learn, to grow. I carry this exploration in to all that I do and I have delved into this exploration in deeper way with the techniques I learned while in India.

I recently began working with declarations in the name of money to reframe and reset my relationship with work, money, investments and time. And this brings me to exchange. Worthy exchange. Exchange for my time. Exchange for my energy. Exchange for my investment. And in recent weeks, in has become clear that I was not getting an exchange that felt mutual, rather it felt more one sided. Although I realize that I can only see this through the lens of now. Because before, I felt it was an exchange that I deserved, one that I needed. One that I had to do to have income, to have money flowing to me.

Until I realized that I was not valued, valued for me, in the way I see myself and what I bring. This ah ha moment occurred to me in a really simple, unassuming way. I was walking, walking to the bakery to return a tray and this is what popped into my mind,

“Ah, this whole thing in playing out for me to see my own worth. For me to see my own worth and to value myself, rather than placing my value and worth in the hands and eyes of someone else, someone outside of me.”

Now this may seem like a normal, common place understanding. You might think, “yes, of course.” Yet, for me this is huge. HUGE. Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman, HUGE. Until that moment, this awareness had not dawned on me. Until that moment, I did not know the value of myself, I did not see my own worth. And once I did, as with all of my awareness and new knowledge, I acted. I moved forward in this inner knowing and will never go back. Why? Because this knowing is embodied within me. I know the value of my own worth. I am no longer looking for it, seeking it. No longer looking outside of myself for others to determine my own worth. I know this myself. I know this in my body. This I know. This I discovered.  

About a week ago, I was standing at work, at the register and I had a moment to untangle my necklaces. I have been wearing two sometimes three necklaces and they get tangled up, twisted around one another and each day I spend a moment untwisting them. So here I was, standing, arms reached up around my neck, behind my head untangling my necklace. A few moments later I felt something slide, slide on the side of my neck. I looked down and there, caught one the slope of my breast was the charm FEARLESSNESS. This charm was gifted to me by a parent of a child back in 2003, and the word FEARLESSNESS is written in Sanskrit. It was packed away in boxes from my move and I rediscovered it, three years ago after I traveled to WY to gather my belongings from storage. I put in on and have been wearing it ever since.

Until that moment. Until the moment when I felt it slide, when I noticed it held on my left breast. I reached up thinking that the chain broke and I wanted to catch the charm rather than have it fall to the ground, and that is when I discovered that the chain was in tack, meaning that the necklace itself came unclasped. Unclasped.

Ah yes, unclasped.

Moving through another level of an initiation… am I in this. My fearlessness necklace is dangling, realizing that the chain did not break. It become unclasped. Fearlessness became unclasped. As Jeanette shared, “Feels like freedom, fear dropping out the of chains… boundless.”

We are working with the Goddess Tara. Tara, whose siddhi is the power of the word. Tara, one of the Dasha Mahavidyas. Tara. “Tear- raw! Tearing open,” as Jeanette offered. Yes.

Tara has been with me. This is her power. This is my power.

And this brings this awareness of this cyclicalness, the cyclical nature of life, circling, swirling, spiraling. Offering opportunities to see previous experiences with a new lens, from a new perspective.

So much of this is arising for me now. Worthiness. Deserving. Seeing myself for who I am. The truth of who I am. Not through the lens of someone else. I know who I am. No longer seeking or looking for this outside of myself. I am the only one who can give this to myself. And as I meet this, as I am with this, I realize at the same time I am opening and opening and opening to more versions of me, more aspects of me, to the truth of who I am rather than these narrow, limited, limitations, reductionist pieces of me, parts of me. And I realize in this, that I have only known these parts of me and I haven’t met, I have forgotten these other parts of me and in the forgetting of these other parts of me, I have come to realize that I only identify with these parts of me that are familiar, these parts of me that are known. And these parts are ways of my identity, ways that I have formed my identity the way I see myself. I am a teacher. I am an Auntie. I am a daughter. This is what I do. And to use a familiar phrase that folks use in society, I stay in my lane. The lane that has been assigned to me. The lane I have assigned to myself through these narrow views of seeing myself. Of knowing myself. And what I am realizing in this awareness of this, this knowing, of identifying myself in this knowing of the truth of who I am is this vast expansiveness, that I am so excited to keep meeting these aspects of myself that I do not even know. There are these parts of me that used to be a teacher in this particular way, what I am being invited to see, is to maintain the isness of the part that likes to share and to be able to guide, and to be able to find, to be able to meet new ways of how I am doing that. Through writing my book or teaching techniques that have guided me here, having them be enlivened within others. And this is this reciprocity. This is this giving back, this receiving and then expanding upon it, radiating it out.

And what is tricky for others, is that they do not see me in this way. People only see me in the identified roles that I have had before in the past. So, as they are looking towards my future, this future of no longer choosing to be in a manipulative, co-dependent relationship with work or to continue to move forward and engage in life and activities in ways that I put forth and share myself in service and joy rather than resentment and feeling stuck, people that are around me, they have only known me in these ways. So, they can only see me in these familiar ways that they know. They do not have the same capacity to see me in ways that they do not know me. This is one of the things that is delightful about H, he does not have the history, these old stories, the known experiences of me from my past attached to me so he is able to see me, continue to support, cultivate and bolster me in these new ways for me to be able to be, because he is meeting me now. He is meeting me in who I am now and he has the capacity to be able to see, that in which I am bringing forth.

Which brings me to the first entry and last entries of my 100th, yes 100th journal that I just added to my book:

Book 100 Purchased with my mom #100,

100 journals of wisdom documenting this incredible journey called life!

August 17, 2023

Oceanside, on the beach in the warmth of the sun, a breeze and within the energy of this new moon, sol/lunar cycle Leo and Aquarius. Auspiciousness is upon me. This force of love that surrounds, propelling me. Acknowledging that environments are key. It is an environment that sets the tone, one that holds, binds and restricts, or enlivens and activated. Well, the environment shapes the mind, conditions, influences the mind and the mind is so absorptive. So easily influences, like a sponge it takes in the vibe that surrounds. And I am noticing how it is the energy, the environment that support me or drains me, motivates, drives me. Community, sangha- uplifting- folks show there is another way- another way outside of the well grooved path of the known- known habits, routines, ways of being, doing, thinking. Noticing how there have been many instances where change has been upon me- I have been driven, felt the passion, desire and I don’t have the staying power- the strength to maintain, to punch through the restrictive barriers, the binds of the mind that hold me. I see other ways and because they are new, newer, new to me, unfamiliar- I don’t know how to meet it, stay in it. And then I meet folks who show me it is possible- they’ve walked, traversed the path- their path and they are here- living, showing, living examples it is possible. There is a way beyond the box I have been living in, the walls I’ve surrounded myself in- to be or play safe and small. And there comes a time when it is no longer relevant, no longer working. Discomfort arises- signaling newness is here, making itself known. Its uncomfortable because it is new, unfamiliar. Fear drives the familiar, holds, remain in the groove- come up with excuses to explain, reason, justify why- why a part of me wants to stay- FEAR and more now, why I want, seek, long for the change. And it is the environments that I put myself in that are showing me this.

September 3, 2023

This is it. All things are cyclical. All things come back around. I’m pulling back my arrow, I’m shooting for the soul. I’m standing strong like mountain. I’m coming home. Healing. Seeing. Patterns and themes revealing themselves- becoming known. So excited to continue this process of Inner Wisdom- to read what has flowed through me. What I have written. The words I have chosen to shape and create my world, my life. How it has organized and designed itself around me. Two years ago, opening to love – huge expansion, gaps opened, wounds exposed and now, victim- feeling hurt, shunned, ignored, not worthy enough, didn’t fit in. All stories. Stories I wore, like cloaks. I was supported. I was held. I am supported. I am held. It’s that now, now, I no longer go looking. I no longer go searching for any of it. Love. Worthiness. Deserving. Because I know I am this. This and more. I am power. I stand in this. I don’t go looking for ways to be in power, empowered. No, I am power itself. I’ve accessed this. Accessed this through my own experience. That is how I know. Not because someone told me, or I read it. I know it because I am it. Embodied. Living it. These recent opportunities for me to access my own worth- everyone is playing their part for me to see- holding mirrors up, shining the reflection- my reflection. I determine my worth. My worthiness. My deservingness. I access the love that is me. This power. This strength. This grace. Me. Me. Me. No longer looking or searching, because it has been found. Accessed. This boundless bounty has been met. Here. In me. Within me. Within me. Wahoooo!

Seeing from this new perspective, from this vantage point, this juncture. Transversal, the many points of intersections, potentials for growth, newness and possibilities.

I am ready. I am ready. I am ready!

In warrior stance, standing tall like mountain, I am coming home. Not afraid of shining. Not afraid of love. I’ve stopped denying, this time I will not run. No. Pages have been turned and I am reaching into the fire of myself and letting those old ways burn.  (These are lyrics from Trevor Hall’s Open Doors, which has been a central song in my life for almost three years now, one I circle back to again and again).

Welcoming it all in, all of it with expansive arms, a strong spine and an open heart.

Meeting you here in this grace, in this love. Held in this grace. Held in this love,

Sara

*I woke with the lyrics “I’m never gonna look back. I’m never gonna give it up,” from Best Day of My Life and as I sent it to my nieces who have their first day of school today, I realized it is sung by American Authors. Yes, Yes, Yes. We are the authors of our lives. Us. We are. Not anyone else. And once we realize this, once we truly know this, it is the best day of our lives! Wahooo!