Full, Full, FULL

If you would like to listen to me read this piece, speak this out loud, here it is:

This past month has been full on. Full on.

On the new moon in Cancer, I set an intention to transcend pattern-based thinking and living. Exactly that has happened. Quick. In real time. With no preconceived thoughts or planning. It is as if the moments came up from behind me, lingered enough for me to see them and then poof, off they went, dissipating into the ether. Done.

Last night, on the eve of the new moon in Leo I was held again. In a new pattern that emerged for me to see. Not that the pattern was new, no. The pattern is so deeply rooted, tangled and intwined with fear. It’s that I saw it emerge, show its eye, announce its presence. Yes, in the moment I was able to acknowledge it is fear that drives these habitual responses.  It is a habit of needing to out myself, to confess, to share, to overshare, to tell, to lay it all out there before someone else figures me out or catches on. But then, in the sharing, in the honesty, I get scared and begin to tell a lie. See I have been so scared of being shunned, excluded, ignored, discarded, sent away that I will do whatever I can to stay in harmony with someone, and in this case, it was to lie.

I was talking with H about this. He shared one of his experiences and a new perspective emerged from the darkness. One of not needing to reveal it all or not needing to lay it all out there, offering all of myself to others. Instead, keeping some aspects of myself to myself, not showing “all of my cards” at once and allowing another to do the work, providing them an opportunity to make their own meaning and sense. Seeing them as an individual with authority, resources and capacities to make their own meaning. Rather than feeling that I have to do it all. 

Yes, this is what came up and typing this now reveals yet another pattern, one in which I have felt that I have had to be precise with my words, so clear and intentional with my word choice to convey what I want. The thought that drives this has always been that the other will hear exactly what I am saying, with no miscommunication or misinterpretation.  The story I have told myself is that, if I am clear, painstakingly clear with my words and how I deliver them then I will be understood and there will be no confusion. I will be heard, met, received. Oh whoa. This is deep and this is really intertwined. For I know, I know from experience that I can only control what I put out, not how anyone else will pick it up or receive it.

Which brings me to another pattern, a habit of carrying and picking up the weight and shit of others. This feeling of responsibility, that it is my job to carry this, whatever it is. That if they did not get me, hear me, understand me, that in some way I have failed, that I have not delivered, that I have done something wrong. In these circumstances, I am lifting the burden and placing it on me without anyone else having a chance to learn, grow, or see. This pattern is so fear driven that I willingly pick up in anticipation of what someone might think, do, act, respond and I preempt it by thinking that if I get ahead of it, if I confess or tell the truth, then I will not be reprimanded or in trouble. What I am realizing now though, is when I do this, I am actually creating karmic bonds. Ties that bind rather than undo.

See, this is deep.

Taken when I was in New Orleans in 1999…see the eye emerging? Its presence lurking.

I have been using the word reprimanded a lot this past month. I trust that it is showing up since this is a well grooved pattern that I am transcending, seeing it so that it can be deleted. It has been showing up at work with interactions with folks who are my bosses, folks who are in a manger or authoritative role.  There have been moments when I have been spoken to in a way that the speaker feels I have done something wrong, when it is not me. When I am not the one who has done something wrong and certainly is not me who merits the tone or message that is being spoken to me in the moment. Over the course of the past month, I have had this happen on three separate occasions. When someone in authority or in a position of control spoke to me in a way that did not pertain to me, when what they said was not in any way relevant to me and what I was doing in the moment, but since I was the one there, I was the one who was meant to receive the brunt of the feedback. It has happened to me a lot over the course of this year in this job so I was really surprised when I spoke up and said something in return.  The words flowed through my mouth and caught me off guard. I found myself standing there, claiming my power and strength. And in the moment, it became clear that I was not talking back or being sassy. No, in fact, I was being an advocate for myself and not taking what is not mine to take. Rather I said who the feedback needed to be directed to, which I also learned in the moment was not being a tattle tail. No, this had been my old way of being. Sit and take what is not yours. Do not out someone. In the moment I realized, this is feedback, while a part of my lesson to learn through this moment, this direct feedback is not for me. It needs to be directed to the person to made the choice, the one who took the action. Not me, who from my perspective was doing my job, who actually had preemptively spoken to my colleague to share what I was doing and what I was taking responsibility for and what they were responsible for. A clear delineation of roles. So, I was surprised by this because my go to response has been to sit and take it. To receive, to feel I have done something wrong and that I deserve the ‘slap to the face,’ in the form of words when in actuality, I had not taken the action that warrants the response, it wasn’t me. And while the dominate way of being had been fear driven for so long I usually became frozen, still, standing there taking in and absorbing what is not for me, what is not mine.  But not in those moments. This is what surprised me, that a new way showed up, stronger than the old way. This is a huge awareness that is coming into light, not taking what is not mine is not tattling. It is sharing that the feedback needs to be directed to the person who make the choice, not me. I also noticed there is a difference between speaking up for myself, being an advocate for myself and talking back or being sassy.

These lessons, these opportunities to learn came to me in real time, in real time. They flowed through me without any thought, only action. 

Which is a HUGE shift away from the way I had been interacting and participating. At times I would speak up for myself, but for the most part, in the past, I would sit and take it. The story I told myself was that I am strong, that I can endure it, that I can take it.

No longer. No more. Nope. Yes, I am strong. Strong enough to realized that I do not need to take it and I do not need to endure it. I have choices and I can choose what I want to partake in, participate in and agree to. And I am NO LONGER participating in and or agreeing to manipulative relationships, interactions based on fear and condition. These, I will do this for you, give this to you, grant this for you but I need this in return, in exchange and I want you to know that I am keeping a mental note and written track of your requests. Yes, this idea of keeping tabs or notches, keeping score is done. It does not work for me. No thank you, I am no longer interested in being a part of this way of being, this way of relating.

Relationships, as my friend Michelle pointed out, are reciprocal in their nature. There is a mutual aspect, a mutal respect, a mutual exchange. And in the events that have been showing up for me, I feel that they are more one sided, more in a favor of one rather than mutual.

Which brings me to worthiness and my own self-worth. My time and how I choose to invest it, share it, cultivate it is deeply connected to my desire to put others first, to take care of them, their needs, their interests. I am aware of constantly being on guard and anticipating what might happen if I fall out of their grace and doing what I can to maintain myself in a positive way, in a good light, on good grounds. I spent a lot of time finding ways to not ruffle feathers or stir things up. In this way, I hide, I blend in, I take it. I adapt. It is so familiar and know, these ways of being and interacting, of being in relationship that they ways have been ingrained in my very being. Well grooved ruts that are deep, deep.

And as I have shared, I set an intention at the beginning of this last sun/moon cycle to transcend pattern-based living and thinking and all of this is showing up for me to see how I have been living in the confines of my mind, the narrow confines that bind and hold and limit me. The ones that I have told me I have to stay, to endure, the ones that makes up stories to justify why I need to stay in situations and environments that do not serve me, that are not healthy, that are not uplifting, that are not positive.

When I find myself chanting mantras to maintain my vibration, using positive self-talk and affirmations pumping up and telling myself I can do this, that I can push through, that I can endure, that I can stay…I realize that something is here for me to see.

Which leads me to a moment that occurred this month.  I was working at the Farmer’s Market when a conversation about seedless watermelons began with a customer.  What he said stopped me in my tracks. My thoughts stopped and my world expanded. I was aware that this was happening in real time, in real time. I could feel the confines breaking, dissipating, dissolving. I was in awe. Struck by the simplicity and complexity of his words at the same time.  I was so moved by what he said, his words resonated with me in such a deep and vast way that I asked if I could quote him. Here it is, here is what Dre said to me:

“When something doesn’t make sense, it means something isn’t working.” – Dre

 This awareness. This awareness. This clarity reveals how much time and energy I invest in trying to make sense of something. This goes way back, way back to previous experiences where I tried to understand the reasoning behind a decision or a choice. To grasp a hold of the why, why all of sudden I felt I was being blindsided, shocked, dismissed, shunned, reprimanded, punished. Oh my, my oh my. This is how I would live my life, tangled up in the shit of others. Their stories, their drama, their hurt, their illusion and I would do anything to make sense, to figure out why. To get behind and understand so I could adapt and become malleable, to shape shift to prevent whatever was happening to not happen again, to find a way to endure it or to justify their choices and actions by telling myself that I actually deserve whatever it is that is being done.

You know what else I noticed, I noticed that when folks do apologize and take responsibly for their choices, actions and words, I down play it. I say things like, “it’s okay” and I give them some out, some benefit of the doubt. Which is actually justifying it, offering them an excuse. I’ve done this to lessen their burden, to not make it hard or uncomfortable for them. To make it easy, to make it easier. I take on more to make it easy for others. Which reveals that I have been at ill ease with folks apologizing because in some way I feel, have felt that I deserve it. Oh my, wow. All of this until now. Until now. Until now because these patterns, all of them are in the light and once they are here they can be burned with the fire of awareness.

These patterns of manipulation, of projection, of excuses, of justifications, these patterns rooted in fear have been ones that I participated in and engaged with for so long. Patterns that I found myself in again, again and again except this time, this month, with the intention I set, it became clear. They rose to the surface, this huge tangled knot, intertwined became clear.

I discovered this under my chair at the beach…..

 The other night I sought to learn the definition of reprimand. I learned it is a transitive verb, meaning, if someone is being reprimanded, they are being spoke to angrily or seriously for doing something wrong, usually by a person in authority.

Interestingly, when I went to type reprimand- the word reprieve popped up in my search:

As a verb it means to cancel or postpone the punishment of someone, especially someone condemned to death, or abandon or postpone plans to close or put an end to something.

As a noun it is a cancellation or postponement of a punishment

So, what is this? What is here? This has me intrigued.

What I have come to realize is that a major shift in my way of seeing, being and interacting with the world is here. That I can handle what comes my way. That I am okay, irrespective of what is here, of what is showing up, being stirred up, brought to light and to the surface, no matter how scary or debilitating or fearful the emotions are that are attached to them, I can meet them. I can be with them. And see myself through them. I can meet myself on the other side. How do I know this you might ask, because I am here. I have lived through these experiences to have these awareness’s dawn on me.

I have lived through them.

That these are opportunities to grow and learn, to create space and to expand, to move beyond the limitations that my mind has set in place as fixed points.

Last night, I was preparing for my evening pooja I noticed that my offering dish had cracked. I began to cry. Really, I thought.  I can’t even get this right…Then, when I sat, when I was sitting an awareness came, another perspective rose. I stood and retrieved the broken dish. Yes, I thought, yes, yes, yes, it can no longer hold, that which has held, can no longer hold.

And I realized, yes, this has been a full moon cycle and on the last day, in the last hours the force was with me strong, wanting to clear, wanting to take away… exactly what I intended.

In awe with my power and the power that is here when I am aligned with the Divine.Jai Ma Kai

Jai Durga Ma

Jai Sara

With a hug,

S