There Comes a Time

Dedicated to my BeLoved baby deer, N.R.V. We are always held; we are always guided. We are never alone in this space, this grace, held in love.  I see your courage. I know this courageous act of love. Thank you J.M. for hearing your inner call to stand and come down the mountain so you could meet me at the exact moment in which I was to be met.

There comes a time, an exact moment when we must act. When we must step. Choosing love, the deepest love, the love of ourselves, within ourselves. It is so deep, so deep it feels like fear. It is so foreign, deep in the depths within that it feels unfamiliar, yet it is known. In the core of our very being, it is known. And it is calling out, coming out, rising up, shouting, a knowing quality that now, this is the moment, the moment to step, for if you don’t, if you do not step in the way you are being called, you risk it all, you put yourself at risk, because you sense, you know it has been going in a certain direction, you know this. You’ve known this. You’ve seen the signs and have chosen to ignore or override or justify or make an excuse. You know this is the moment to step, because you know it has already gone very sour, in a terrible, horrible direction.

I knew this 24 miles in on the dirt road. I met this inner knowing that propelled me to stand, to rise, to choose myself over ALL of the stories that I thought may or may not have happened (for I can only write about this from the stance of now, but then, then, so many stories were popping up). You rise and act, even though you have NO IDEA what you are going to do, what you are going to meet. And it is in this moment, when you really see it. When you see what you can meet, what is coming your way and you face it fully. You face the fear of the unknown, of not knowing what you are going to meet once you step while simultaneously KNOW that all that is being asked of you is to step, to rise, to choose yourself, to choose love over fear.

Logic is not there in that moment. Where will I go? Where will I sleep? How will I get out? You stop thinking and you know. You know you must act, rise, stand, get out at any cost. AT ANY COST. And you meet yourself in that. There. With what comes next. It is without thought, reason and logic. Because all of those are faculties of the mind and the mind has been taken over by instinct. By an inner knowing- a knowing so deep that you stop connecting with the mind. The mind, up until that point had guided you. But in that moment, there is no mind. Only a knowing. A knowing so deep. So visceral. So real that the ONLY choice is to step.  Only step. Stepping from this space withing your heart, this deep inner knowing that this, this very thing, this action that seems so scary and it makes no sense at all, yet it is the very thing that you need to do, the very step that you need to take. And you do.

This is when you know you have chosen yourself. Over all others. Over all stories. Projections. Fears. What if’s. Rationalities.

If is as if you look fear in the eye and say yes, I see you. You are real. So real I am going to step. Step into you as love, from this deep place of love. Where you know that it does not need, does not have to be this way. That there is another way and while in that moment you have NO idea what that other way is, you still lean into it and choose it. You step. You take action.

Yes, I know this. I know this. Four years ago on a dirt road, on a dirt road along a river I faced this. And I was met with grace. With love. Total trust. Total trust.

And here I am reflecting. The mirror of life reflecting so many situations and experiences around me, showing me the cyclical nature, it is all coming full circle or rising up the spiral, circling back around for me to see, to sit with, be with. In this. As this.

All here. Before my eyes, before my heart. Before meaning in front of. Present. Here. Asking to be acknowledged. Exchange. Value. Worthy. Deserving. Voice. Speaking up. Making my voice heard. Breathing my words on the sound currents of my breath, the vibration of my voice.

Knowing what we face. Not because I lived someone else’s experience, but because I have lived mine. How many others have lived theirs? This fear that grips, that tells us we cannot talk, we cannot tell, we cannot share or speak this to anyone else. The secrecy. The silence. The fear. The paralyzation. The aloneness.

I can picture this.  Women, all alone. Isolated in cells, locked in. Side by side. Similar experiences. Similar knowings. How can we see one another? How can we see one another at our core? Gazing into their eyes and knowing, yet not, because we are isolated by fear itself. This is what separates us. These stories that we tell ourselves. I am alone. No one will ever get this, understand. Or, I will be judged, folks will get angry. They’ll say, “Why didn’t you heed the warning signs and signals?”

Ah, the warning signs, the signals. It goes back to the very beginning. You know. You knew. The signal arose and you knew.

This is the moment. This is the invitation, to really, really listen. To tune to, tune in to, to pay attention to the message of the gut. The first brain, the knowing quality before the mind, before the faculty of the mind kicks in.

Trust Sara, trust.

All of these moments, steps have led you here. The crow calls. The crow calls. Listen to your gut. Honor the voice within. This voice that speaks without a voice. Cultivate this relationship. This inner knowing. Get acquainted with it. Establish a relationship with this knowing. This knowing quality. Tend to it. Cultivate it. Feed it. Nourish it. Explore it. Get curious about it. Know it fully. Know how it works. Know how to engage with it, with this. Know this. Notice this. Be with this.

This is the invitation of now.

Now.

There comes a time, and it is now.