Lingering Around

This piece was written in February 2022 among the wisdom of the trees and land of Xenia on Bowen Island. I woke and did a free write this morning and was called to revisit the pieces I wrote during that time and this piece resonates with me. Hence I am sharing it here now, with you. Really, I think it wants to breathe.

Oh yes.

The revealing, what is under at the root is being revealed.

This which the experience is attached to…

I know, instinctively I know.

I know in situations and I do not speak up, I do not speak up for out of fear of being reprimanded, dismissed, shunned, ignored

So I override the inner knowing to speak, to stand up and speak. To share out of fear of disrupting the flow, the ease of and in the moment, rather than sending ripples outward, I hold it in and send them inward towards myself.

Thoughts and stories of stay in your place, speak only when spoken to, we did not ask your opinion, you are not the boss, you are not in control, it is not your place.

Oh yes, this thread is apparent and strong. So strong it evokes nausea, an unsettling.

Are you okay?  Yes I am okay, I say, when really I am not. Those around me know that I am not, and instead of saying, yes, I am okay and I am sitting with something that I am not willing or ready to talk about, thank you for asking… or something along those lines acknowledges myself and my current feeling state rather than overriding my inner knowing, my instincts, my feelings and emotions.  When I acknowledge this, I acknowledge my full self, that it is okay to be me in all ways, every feeling, every state. That this is meant to arise for me to see, it is okay to be me in this way.

I do not need to stuff, hide, camouflage, silence, run, remove myself from this knowing.

I am seeing what I am seeing. I am seeing what I am seeing from my perspective and there is another way. Yet, I find that I do not speak up out of fear of being, of doing exactly that which I hate being done to me, feeling like I am being told or reprimanded, that I have done something wrong. So instead of finding a way to share that which wants to be said, I ignore it. I override this knowing and instead flee or shut myself off, which then sets up and off a barrier in which I do not feel accepted or that I belong.

This is the feeling aspect, at the root of some things, lingering around, hypervigilant on its own, on the lookout for something to latch on to, to hold on to verify this position.

Wow.

Deep

Because often I find, that folks project themselves on me, telling me their thoughts, perspective, their stance, which feels like a lecture, oozing their desire to fix and make better when I never asked, I did not inquire with them or ask them what they think, yet they do it anyway. Somehow, them seeing me in this space gives them the permission to dump their shit on me, their words that they say to make themselves feel useful or good or helpful or better, stronger, in power.  When I never asked them. It is like an invasion. An invasion of space, one that speaks I know and you do not, here is what you need to do…. NO. That is not true for me. And it is not that I want to wallow here, it’s that I did not ask you for your opinion on the matter so shut the fuck up. Check yourself and where you are coming from, the desire in which you are speaking and showing up from.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

This is a theme; a thread being revealed that is connected to so many other things that hold me back from being me in the moment. From feeling I can be me in the moment, holding me back from giving myself the permission to be me in the moment, because somewhere along the line, me being me in the moment, when I am myself, I have been ostracized. I have been shunned. And my body will do anything to avoid that, I have developed and established well known patterns and trends to protect myself from this feeling of being rejected.

Oh wow. This is huge.

But the very action that I take, shutting myself off and removing myself is doing just that. Rather than someone else being in control and shunning me, I choose on my own. Knowing or thinking or believing it is less painful when I remove myself than when it is done unto me.  Yet it yields the same result, feeling on the outside, not included, excluded. That I do not belong. That I do not fit in. That no one gets me.

And this is connecting to a feeling of judgement, because I see these things so clearly, so clearly. I watch it all play out in front of me, these roles of victim and savior, helpless and hero, weak and strong, broken and fixed. I see it so clearly. I want to call it out, to bring attention to the moment, to name what is happening and instead I sit and stuff it in. Holding back the words and the knowing out of fear of what will happen if… for I know what has happened when.

So, I silence myself. And in silencing myself I am hurting myself.

I am overriding my knowing and this causes confusion and self-doubt. Seeking the external, what to do, what do I do when this happens?  Are you seeing this? Do you see what I see? 

What to do?

And others do not, so I feel crazy, because I see something so clearly. It is vivid and real. Happening. In real time. I feel it within. There is this desire to express and I suppress it. I have this perception and others do not, I see something one way and others, most of the time the collective does not so I feel alone. I am alone.

It is a loop, because the same thing that I want to do, to speak up and call out, shedding light on what is happening feels the same as what I hate, being called out, feeling lectured and told. Feeling like I am the one who has power or control. That is better. Somewhere I picked up that narrative, that me calling out the truth, what is true to be is in some way threatening to others, so they shut me up, by shunning me, withdrawing themselves which leaves me feeling alone, like I have done something wrong. That I am not good. That I am bad. That me being me and sharing myself is bad.

I internalize it and justify it. Making excuses. Telling myself I am learning and that this is an opportunity to learn, to grow. To focus on me, be in control of me because I cannot control others.

Yet what we say and do impacts one another. Which is why I want to speak up and say something in the first place.

UGHHHH.