When you get caught in a snare, the trap of the mind.

I wrote this as a part of my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training in December 2019 and feel called to share it here, now.

A sneer smile arose from the sides of my mouth as I heard the contemplative question, “As a witness, how do you see your growth through these practices?” The smirk came because this question arose during a snare, a trap, that I have found myself in since yesterday- ebbing and flowing, rising and falling, dissipating and gaining strength- caught in the web of WHY ME tinged with the knowledge and slight taste of experience of it is happening for me.

The space itself here at Sattva lends towards opportunities for growth, not only in the guided practices,  also in the daily, what some may belittle to the mundane or simple tasks or activities.

The act of lining up for food three times a day, sometimes five if you include for snacks and tea, have afforded me many, countless opportunities to witness myself, my awareness of others. Folks entering while I am leaving, so I step aside, another passing me because her roommate “saved a place for her in the line,” or walking to the Sangha Café listening to folks utter in disbelief, “ I can’t believe they ran out of food (this last one is shared in a different post).  Throughout all of these, I’ve noticed how aware I am of others, and when I am not grounded, how quickly judgment arrives. Thoughts rush, Did they not see me?, Why are they coming from a place of scarcity?, Why does this person feel the need to hover over me while I am pouring honey on my curd?

And, often times more than not, I catch myself thinking, asking myself, What opportunity is arising within?, What is this moment stirring up?, What is emerging from the muck deep within -the familiar, yet dark and dank muck that is caked on my insides, impeding me at times from shining, from radiating? In these moments of awareness, the muck becomes dry and begins to flake off, crumble into a dust that I wash away with kriya practice. The twisting, the purging, the transcending, the rising beyond and above. In the moment, at times I sit in utter awe- this is arising to be seen, highlighted and deleted as Anandji says.

I had, since the summit, been guiding my myself through an encasing in golden shimmery light, offering a rose outside this golden egg that encases me, for others who want to offer me something, for them to place it there- inside the rose.  That way, I can intentionally choose what I want to receive. At first, it felt good, providing me distance, space from the suffering and hurt I saw in others. One day, during my mediation, I heard No longer, the encasing is no longer. So I stopped and now, day three of no “protective bubble” I am raw. I am receiving other hurt, pain, anger and I am noticing how I am projecting my interpretations on others based on their body language or facial expressions.

So here I sit, in and with this awareness. “Why,” I ask, “Why judge?” The judgment is the polar difference of myself on my mat or in a journey. There I quickly access Sat Chit Ananda and the deep work I do or don’t, in the stillness of my mediation. On my “mat” I have experienced joy, bliss, glee, delight, love, lots and lots of love.  I am accepting of myself on my mat, I am understanding of the process, I am kind to myself when I can not hold a plank for a minute, even after I tell myself staying power is deserving power. I tell myself you are growing stronger, look how much you can do now- this will come. And in other instances I tell myself- my willpower- don’t give up, you have endured lifetimes of pain, you can handle one minute of this. This is your mind tell you to stop, this is your mind telling you this is hard. I hear Anandji say, “stop listening to every thought in your mind,” and I am.

At first- and it is a journey, one that I have been on for some time-I acknowledged the thought that arises. I still do, now I notice it and I let it go. I don’t add value to it, or give it power.

I took this picture of myself as a visual reminder that I do not want to look this way again. The hardness in my face, I am so distraught. The snare is real, again, only in my mind. You can not see the snares surrounding me, it is only evidenced my my face, by my body language, outward signs of what is occurring internally.

When the snares come out, the traps, the familiar ways that want to grab a hold of my chest and open the floodgates of self violent thoughts…

Why did you ask a question?

Why were you not paying attention?

Don’t speak up

Don’t be seen

It is better to suffer than to be shunned or ignored

And those are thoughts, these are thoughts, they hold no value. They HOLD no value outside my head. They do not exist outside my head. They do not resonate with me. They are known. They are familiar. It is this that I release and it is this I send away, this known, so I can open up to the unknown, what I have forgotten.

Knowing the stillness and bliss that I experience during mediations and guided journeys with Anandji, I ask, myself, why hold on to the familiar, these familiar patterns and ways that I have thought when there is the whole inner landscape, world waiting to be discovered and enjoyed by me.

So in the snare, the trap, words, hooks, that I get caught in and from the experience I know there is more I am reminded to remember- re member, (to be a part of a group again). I choose to release that which I know, to enter the space of the unknown.

***The snare, the trap that I was being held in, that I allowed myself to be held in was so strong, the next day I went in to silence. What I learned there was profound… there is a separate post written there for it is meant to be shared on its own.

With love, compassion and in light,

Sara