Receive and Revive

I’ve been spending time in the city and this image of me, cast by my body and the sun, appears to be divided by the grate….Ah the illusion.

Here is an audio recording of me reading this piece, if you care to listen rather than read:

What wants to be seen?

What wants to be birthed?

What wants to be revealed?

What is here?

A free write. I have not typed a free write in some time. And today is the day. The day when I stood and said, I am going outside to write. Surrounded by the sounds of birds, the melodic buzz of a nearby bee, the waft of incense carried on a slight breeze, dancing yellow evening primroses, clovers and me.

What wants to be seen? What is here for me to see?

I am coming out of the grip of my mind. Yes, another grip of the mind. This one held me for a little over 36 hours, not that I am counting. It came on strong. Like a crack, a fissure, a break. Fragile. Wilted. Tired. I had been ignoring the signs and signals. To slow, to make time, to cultivate space.  And in like a roar came the mind, fast and furious, unstoppable, moving with rapid speed from one thought to the next, none of which made sense and all of which felt foreign, until they continued, on and on they went and they began to feel appealing as they gain familiarity. Ah, so. This is how it goes. If I am able to go back and slow the replay, I catch this.  An idea comes in, it is foreign, it is not in alignment with where I am. In fact, it feels counter to where I am and yet it enters. It starts to gain traction when I cannot gain control of my mind- through breath, through mantra. When I cannot reign in my mind it starts to gain momentum,  power. It gathers up other irrational thoughts and in their persistence and consistency, they gain strength. These thoughts bolster themselves with other thoughts and there is a force backing them, a force that feels real, convincing. All encompassing. Persuasive and intriguing.

I can see the long fingers of the caped figure, with its mask lurking, getting closer, extending out the arms to grab a hold.

And I catch this. I catch this. I have awareness and experience to know what is unfolding and to catch it. For once I have caught on the grip is not as strong. Here. Present. And in some way fading. Dissipating.

The thing is, these waves come on strong and they pull me in many directions. Like the undertow, it is a sucking, a pulling, a draining, a bringing down and I want to succumb. The desire to allow it to be and to not fight is here. It is exhausting. And then there is the will and the drive, the steadfastness and the commitment- I have not come this far to be pulled down by this. By this- whatever this is.

These old stories that are not mine. Other people’s stuff that is not mine. Fear. Control. Power. Manipulation. Which feed off of one another.

Or it is?  Is it an escape to say it is not mine? That it is someone else’s? They are happily going on with their lives, not at all impacted by their choices or actions- or so it seems.  It is me that is struggling. Here in the confines of my own mind. Unseen, unknown to anyone else except me. Real and alive, thriving in my mind. Exhausting in my mind. Maybe it is seen on my face. Maybe it is revealed in my eyes. I have become a master of hiding, of stuffing, of cramming, of taking.

And the invitation is to receive. Not to take. Not to push away.  No, the invitation is to receive and I have an interesting relationship with receiving.

Receiving to me, has always been based on a transaction. Give to get. You want something? Then, what am I getting in exchange, in return. If you do not give me what I want, if you do not do what I want, I will take something from you (interesting that I wrote someone and then went back to erase that and write something instead), do something to you.

This is the patterned narrative in my mind. This is the pattern I am working, with all my might to break.

In order to receive, you have to give. In order to get you have to give. Give and take. Take and give. 

Is that really the way things work?

Last week I heard children interacting this way- if you don’t give me- I am going to take…..

Where do we pick this up, this transactional language, this way of being?  Where does it stem from? Where do its roots lie?

In order to get what you want, you have to give something (again, I wrote the word someone).  For me, it has often felt like myself. Aspects of myself. I have to turn over something of value, compromise, settle. What is this?

What is here Sara, what is here?

I am not sure. It feels deeply rooted. Dark, deep, dank.

Are you willing to look?

Yes.

Are you able to go deeper?  What is here?

A selling of myself. A severing of myself. A cutting off of myself, in order to be liked, to fit in. To blend in. To stay safe.

What else? What else is here?

A deep sadness. A sadness that I turned over, sacrificed aspects of myself to others who are not worthy.

What do you mean?

Looking back, at the time, the choices felt right. It felt like the right thing to do. To close off, to shut down, to fit in, to shut up, to hide away. It felt easier to do that than to fight, than to stand up. It felt safer.

And yet you are here now.

Yes, I am. Carrying around this hurt. This pain. This sadness. This grief. 

Of what?

Of erasing parts and pieces of me.

Oh Beloved. They have never been erased. They have never gone away. This pieces and parts of you have always been here, always remain. This wholeness. You are not fragmented. You are not divided. You never were. You have always been whole. We see you as whole, we know you as whole. You are whole. Only you saw yourself in this fragmented way, divided into parts. We have always seen you whole and we knew, we have always known that you would someday see yourself again in the way we see you, in the way you are. Your truth. Your wholeness.

Is this is what is happening now? Is this is why the fight is so strong? Is this why the battle feels fierce? Because I have been fighting this for so long, I am so tired of feeling fragmented and isolated. Closing off pieces of myself, protecting pieces of myself because I am too much for others to hear, bear, see, experience.

Yes, yes, Beloved. You have been fighting this for some time. For a long while. We have walked with you through this, in this. For this, all of this is what has needed to happen. These aspects of your journey have unfolded in this way for you to see, for you to meet yourself, for you to arrive to this knowing, in this knowing. On YOUR OWN. With us here, always, of course. Never alone, always supported and guided. You have had to walk this path, this course. You do not know why, you do not fully know what is unfolding and where these choices are leading you. And yet you know, you do know. This is why you continue to stay the course and meet yourself, over and over again. You continue to meet yourself in all the ways that are being offered. You don’t have to know.

Yes, part of the not knowing is fun. It is exciting. It has me giddy and curious. I love the sense of play and exploration. The clues and affirmations that are offered along the way. These markers that I am on the “right” track, that we are working together and in alignment, in harmony.

Yes, yes Beloved. We are glad that you are picking up on the cues, the signals and the messages.  The pace is picking up. The energy is building and this ick which you are feeling, this cringy stuff that is arising is all in an effort for you to survive.  To clear away, wash away, to bring to the surface to be seen. So, it may be transmuted, transcended. So that you may use the space and energy gained in new ways, no longer weighing you down, now it is time to rise. Rise up. Rise up. Sound the horn! Rise up.

This is the time. I am taking action. I am cutting through the fear, because it is not really here. It is an illusion, something that feels constricting and restricting but it is all on the level of the mind. It is this lower aspect of the mind that wants me to remain the same, to stay in this holding pattern. And the energy within wants to be unleashed. Untethered. No longer restricted to the confines of the narrow mind. And this I know, I know that what is possible, what is coming my way is what I put out, what I mirror. I know what is possible. I know what is coming my way. I am living this. Living this right now. It brings me to tears. The beauty. The love. The devotion. This offering. This.

Yes, yes Beloved. This is your natural state. This is natural. A natural way of being.  Nothing is expected in return. Nothing is wanted. No transaction is needed.  This is the gift. This is life. Unfolding here and now, as you.

Sit back, settle in, get comfortable, keep your arms open wide and receive all that is coming your way.  For this, you are a gift of life itself, you are life itself and life is unfolding as you, this is all of your doing, with our support and love and guidance. For you are never alone. Never alone.

Always held. Always loved. Enveloped in this love, as love.

And we know you are receiving. We know you are receiving this love.

Receive and revive Beloved, receive and revive.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti

Hari Om Tat Sat