Ownership and Mine — sara lynn lashbrook

This is a piece that I wrote in my journal. It was written in India at Sattva, during my 200 Hour Teacher Training. This is the first time I am sharing an excerpt from my journal. For ease to read, what is in italics is written in my journal. What is written in bold, is what is in italics in my journal. What is not in italics is written to give more context and back-story to help make meaning.

I choose to share this story with you, here, now because words of sharing, connections and relationships, this idea of being a part of, being interconnected, being one, being part of a collective has been arising in my morning practice.

To provide context of a time frame for this entry, I completed my morning journey with Anandji. After the journey, we ate breakfast and then gathered back in the hall for our asana breakdown. This entry was written during lunch, after the breakfast and the asana breakdown.

Book 5.

Day 5. November 11.29 –Friday, for context….not ‘cause I know or care.

Today’s lesson- Non Attachment.

I was sitting in the swinging chair- noticing more red is appearing in my bud (I watched the process of a rose bush produce a bud to its bloom). I went to get more chai and paratha with cheese and tomato. By the time I went to return to my chair-see the my-Lisa was walking towards it and sat in it.

My chair.

Possession.

It is not my chair. It is a chair on the lawn that we all can use. I felt, assumed it was my chair-

1. because I was sitting in it earlier

2. my stuff was next to the chair, indicating this is taken, I have stuff here

Then I got to Bramanda Hall, folks were already there. I had set up “my” mat.

After breakfast we had our asana breakdown training. The mat that I am referring to as ‘my’ mat is a mat that I chose from Shakti Hall, a yoga hall at Sattva, to use during this teacher training. It is a mat that I saw during the Sattva Summit in the beginning of November. I brought a mat with me to India and I had used that mat during the Summit. The mat I brought with me was a given to me from a great friend Sara, who gifted me a green mat with a tree on it after I cut my previous yoga mat to use as a liner in the freezer cooler for a trip on the Middle Fork of the Salmon. This mat, the mat that I was calling “mine,” claiming ownership to, was a nice mat. It was a purple and tan mat that had texture to it, it was thick, it’s thickness combined with the texture/grip is what allured me towards it. I learned later, someone had left behind the mat from the previous teacher training and many sought to use it. I often saw it rolled up and hidden away and out of sight from the other mats that were there for us to use.

Two days ago, I gave up/shared the green mat that I had been using from Sara to the Sattva Collection and began to use, take ownership of this new mat, of the mat that has texture. So, I left that my mat in the hall with my cushion (black and green) that I chose morning, day 1 and I set them up. I placed my scarf and my mat bag on top of them to indicate- this is taken- this is mine.

“My” mat. I mean, look at the texture! This picture was not taken at the time of this story. It was taken when I still had the mat, so the picture was taken during my first 6 days of training. This picture was taken to document the 34 and 43 blocks … — “My” mat. I mean, look at the texture! This picture was not taken at the time of this story. It was taken when I still had the mat, so the picture was taken during my first 6 days of training. This picture was taken to document the 34 and 43 blocks that I chose RANDOMLY from the pile! 34, 3+4= 7 and 43, 4+3=7. 7, a numeral that is powerful for me.

When I entered the hall, it wasn’t in the spot I left it. Neither was my cushion, scarf or bag.

“What happened to my mat?,” I asked to my neighbor who had also set up her mat before they cleared them up. She said, “they did it to mine too.” So I went to the back of the room and while I was walking I noticed that someone else was using- had chosen my mat. UGH, so I selected a different mat and cushion and practiced without my stuff.

After class, I did locate my scarf and bag.

Interested in the ownership- the my.

Reflecting on this now, here, months later, I laugh thinking of the idea of ownership and mine. The idea that I own things, that things are mine is really funny to me. As for the past 10 months I have been living in the homes of others and for the past five months I have been living out of bag. Simultaneously, this is real, this really happened and it was a big deal to me in the moment. I was pissed that Lisa did not see my bag that I placed there to say, “I am here, this is spot is being used, this is taken.” Thoughts ran through my mind, “how does she not see that my stuff is there, didn’t she notice my bag.” And with “My mat’… The reference to “they,” that I was referring to, is Nemla, a genuine, sincere, gentle woman who always has a wide smile who I came to know well, who cleans the hall, sweeping and mopping, going up and down, back and forth to clean the floor so we have a clean floor to practice on. She had moved my belongings and the belongings others left behind so she could clean. Maybe she thought, “who would leave their stuff here, who would not put their stuff away so now I have to do it, on top of what I am already doing.” (I do not think she really thought that, I have noticed such a sense of gratitude, from everyone who is a part of the Sattva family and in India for that matter, for the opportunity to work, to have a job).

The thing that continues to bring me such joy is this idea of MY MAT- it wasn’t even my mat! It was someone else’s mat that they left behind for the collective to use and I saw it, I hoarded it so no one else would use it. I got really irritated when it was moved and then to see that someone else selected it, that was like a kick in the whole situation- what I referred to in my journal as UGH. I’m laughing typing this. The whole things is ridiculous and real simultaneously. I was worked up!

This is an open space at Sattva. The chair once hung from the blue posts to the left. This picture was taken two months after the story.

I am delighted, because those feelings of ownership and mine are distant; they are no longer desires or things that I want to embody, to give energy to. For when I think of ownership and mine, these other words that pop in to my mind:

separation taking holding gripping competition held

belonging apart possession individual bound responsibility

If there is something in my life that brings me joy, then I want others around me to be in joy and to experience the same. I cherish these words and cultivate them in my daily life:

gratitude grace fulfillment abundance

liberation freedom trust

Do I live in this space all of the time? Do I live from this place all of the time? No, I do not. I am aware when I am. I am aware when I am not. I am accepting when these feeling arise, I do not judge myself, for that is the beautiful gift of life, to notice, to be aware, to learn, to grow, to evolve.

Within the compassionate space that I hold for myself I know that all will continue to be provided for me as necessary.

with love and in light,

Sara