Me. My Self and I

So much has been swirling these past few months it feels hard to keep track of.  It feels as if change is happening fast, swift, and I am feeling the after draft of it all.  No thing is bad, actually it is magnificent to witness, to live, to be in all of this, to be with this as it arrives in real time.

I have not given myself space to sit, to allow this all to land, to be integrated and that is what I am doing now.  I received an invitation in mediation to stop writing in my journal for a week. Yes, a whole week.  The last time that happened was back in 2017 when I took a month off from writing. At that time things were swirling fast as well.  I can only see that now, looking back.

It’s interesting isn’t it. We only connect the dots, make meaning, make sense of what has occurred, after it occurs. As it is unfolding, it is unfolding in the now and all there is, is the present moment. The mind sweeps in after and attempts to either make sense or what I am currently witnessing myself is that clarity comes and I can see clearly.  What I am experiencing though is not that I am in a fog or haze while life is happening, it is just happening quickly. There is a quickening that is occurring. While this may seem odd to read, it also feels as if things are moving very slowly, slowly in the sense that there is no rush to what is occurring. Rather it is coming in its time.

What I can say, for I know this to be true, is that the lessons that I am learning now have huge impacts and ripples. They are multi- layered, multi-tiered and it is quite clear to what is being addressed.

Standing my own ground. Trusting myself, my inner voice and guidance.

I have to say, this does not always make sense. Nor is it what I had planned or thought. What I am being asked to do at times feels so far out of my comfort zone - my familiar habits and patterns, which is why I know I need to do it, to take action, to break these trends and routines, these habitual ways of interacting with the world, events and people that swirl around me. In the past, I have had a strong tendency to move toward controlling outcomes and wanting to know everything. This desire to know is so strong. So strong. This pull of the mind to make sense, to categories, to make everything fit into neat compartments, categories, to grasp, to make meaning. To answer, why is this happening to me?

And there it is.

There is the root.

It is not happening to me.  It is happening for me.  All is happening for me.  When the pull of the mind comes, it yanks me back into the past, questioning and doubting what I have done. Yet, that only happens after. Only after something happens, do I feel the pull of the mind bringing me in to the past with a lens of doubt, shame, worry and fear.  Yes, this only comes after.

All I can do is be responsible for me. What I can do is take radical responsibility for me, my choices, my actions. I am not responsible for the actions of others.  I did not cause the actions of others. I did not cause the actions of others. I did not cause the actions of others.

What others have done or what others do, is a direct result of them.

What I am seeing now, so clearly, it is coming as a type, is that others have consistently placed blame on me for their actions. I have been their scapegoat. I have been the one whom they off load their shit on to. For so long, I have willingly stood there and allowed myself to take their shit, like a coat rack, taking layer upon layer, upon layer as they off load, peeling away responsibility and laying it on me.

Until now. Wow. I see this. I see how I have willingly and unknowingly taken responsible for other people’s shit. Feeling that I have somehow caused them to act.  I can hear their words in my mind, “you made me do this.”  “This is all your fault.”  “If you hadn’t ________, then this wouldn’t have happened.”

To be honest, that is how they feel, how they felt. That was their truth. And each layer they peeled off, I willing began to wear. Until now.

I woke up to greet this delightful surprise that bloomed over night!

Nope. No. I did not cause you to do this or that. I am not responsible for this or that. That is your responsibility. You are responsible for yourself and yourself only. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for you.

I am no longer accepting responsibility for you.

No longer yielding and holding secrets. No longer sitting passive and silent.

No. No longer.

For I see this. I see this pattern and how it has been playing out, over and over and over again.

Different situations, different people. Same pattern.

I fall into the same trap each and every time. Or rather opportunities to see this are offered again and again and again. Of course, there are slight variations in how the experience shows up, but really what is happening is similar, - shining light on the trend, the habit, the conditioned ways that I have become accustomed to. Willingly taking responsibility, bearing the weight of your actions. Feeling as if it is my fault, as if it is me that caused this horribleness, this pain, this hurt. Feeling that I deserved it.

Taking your stained shit, your tarnished shit and hiding it, burying it away so you can feel good. So, you can feel lighter. So, you do not have to carry the blame. So you do not have to face yourself.

Until now, in this knowing, in this seeing I am free. I am light. Floating. No longer bound by your tethers, your shackles, your hooks, your words.

Yes, I once was bound. Yes, I once bought into your illusion- that your actions were my fault. That your lies, your unfaithfulness, the secrets that you keep are a result of me being me.

Guess what? 

They are a result of you being you.

I am facing my shit. I am taking responsibility for my shit. Radical responsible. Total Acceptance. It is not pretty. It is not easy. And yet is it freeing.

It is freeing to not be held by stories and narratives, the should and what ifs. Society’s rules of protecting and alliances.  That, my friends is all based in fear.

I know, because I was drawn into the fear-based narrative. This, the fear that grips, that grabs a hold. This fear that tightens your chest and creates a lump in your throat. This fear is the fog that surrounds, that envelopes and keeps you in the illusion, that the very secrets that you keep, the very alliances that you hold are protecting you.

I know because I have lived there. Lived there. Lived, meaning, no longer. I am no longer bound by the what ifs or the thoughts that you have of me.  They have no meaning. No value.

The only thing I value is myself. My truth. Me.

For this is the only thing that I have, that remains consistently with me. This is why I am here, to learn about me, to meet myself.

Thank you, for your very actions, your silence, what is said in the gaps and spaces between the words speak volumes. Yes. Volumes.

Thank you for propelling me, thrusting me forward at this fast rate. Thank you for the opportunity to meet myself, to take radical responsibility for myself and my actions, my choices and my words.

For I am the only one I have to answer to.

I am the only one whose opinion matters.

Everything else falls silent. All of the words, the stories, the justifications, the excuses they are all there for you only. For you only. Not for me.

I no longer need excuses. I no longer need to justify.

I no longer need to know.

I no longer need to know.

You have shown me that which I am interested in. That which I want to place my attention, where I want to spend my energy.

And it is on me.

Me. Myself and I.

Me. My Self. I.