Here it is, again.... — sara lynn lashbrook

I really can’t make this up.

So, I am working on my book. I am going through each journal and reading them, starting at the very beginning. As I read, I am marking, tagging lines and phrases, entries and reflections that strike me. I have had a general idea of the process, the route I am taking and I am also remaining open to what wants to flow.

You can see evidence of this written as the word Death? is written in red on the paper. Do I want to explore the threads of death? Below, later that day in a different pen, I wrote Look for self-approval.

This morning, I glanced my desk and saw these written words and laughed out loud. Read what is says:

Look for self- approval

What? No. No. No. No thank you this is not what I want. No way, looking for self approval is what I want to avoid, to transcend, to do no longer. No longer seeking the external validation, looking outside of my self for approval. If you read a previous post, you would know that this is really arising for me now. And I have an inkling that it is woven throughout the pages of my 84 journals.

Oh the power of words. If we are not aware, we can set intentions and bring that which we do not want directly to us…

My intention is not to look for self-approval, rather it is to notice, become aware of the threads and patterns that are written within the entries of my journals over the past 25 years that speak to looking to others for self approval. That is what I meant when I wrote the note yesterday, to literally look for the word or reference to the idea while reading. Then today as I read the note “Look for self-approval,” I laughed. Laughed at myself. Here it is. In that moment I was noticing that I was aware of its dominance in my life, how pronounced it is.

Look for self- approval. And it is not just “Look for self approval,” it is starred, indicating this is important. Marking, making it stand out. Attention is drawn to it. My eyes were drawn to it, as to say, DO NOT FORGET TO DO THIS. This is very important.

*Look for self approval

Oh my, how long have I been looking outside of myself to determine my self worth? How long have I been looking outside of myself, to others for my worthiness? How deep is the path I have forged in this seeking, this searching, this looking?

It is a practice to step back into time and read what I wrote. It is a practice. One that I am strong enough to do, to handle. I am able to meet myself there, in that pain, hurt, confusion, sadness for I know I have endured. I know I have survived. I have continued on.

And I continue to do so.

With open arms, I embrace you in your fullness.

There is no one else for you to be. Only you.

This is the journey, to come home to ourselves. To be at home in ourselves. To be at home within ourselves. To be home as ourselves.

When you know who you are, you are free.

Be free.

Love you.

Sara