Until NOW — sara lynn lashbrook

I was delighted and swirling with bliss and enthusiasm after I wrote that last piece. This pieces consists of two messages that I left for friends, celebrating the awareness that came as I wrote. Here they are transcribed:

First message:

The very words that you were speaking in your message to me, were the very words that I was typing at the same time. This idea of constriction, being bound and held. We also spoke about the octopus the other day and how at times the octopus can be holding on, giving its love, tasting you, holding you, not trying to hurt, rather it is curious and exploring you. There is this.

This is the first full day that I am not writing in my journal, giving myself space to condense if you will; pressing a pause, allowing all that is swirling to saturate.

And as I started typing I realized, oh my, I have been taking responsibility for other people’s stuff and thinking that I caused it. Thinking, that I alone, that something that I did or didn’t do, it feels like something that I have done that makes me deserving of their shit, their lies, because in some way I am bad or tarnished and them lying to me is what I get in return. NO, IT HAS NOTHNG TO DO WITH ME AT ALL, what they do is what they do, it has NOTHING to do with me at all, it is not my responsibility.

I hear Anand Ji saying, take radical responsibility for being you, every action. That is what I am doing. I am owning and accepting every action, every action. And it is hard. And it is glorious. And it is so freeing, to know myself in this way is so incredibly freeing and to know that I was willingly taking on other people’s shit that they were off loading on me.

When you hear this, this blame, this off-loading over and over again you become accustomed to it and you start to internalize it and think that it is true, or real or that you caused it That your very existence causes other people to treat you that way. This is a huge awareness that I am coming to or that I have come to, as I am sure there will be many more layers that will be revealed.

Here is another transcribed message:

Alright, you know I called you the other night and you didn’t answer which is totally fine because I would have not been able to hear what you had to say because I was in the thick of it. And yesterday you called and said call me. I did and you happened to have just the right amount of time for me to open up and for you to be able to share words with me that resonated so deeply.

So, I told myself I am not allowed to write in my journal. It is not a bad thing, but the last time I did not write for an extended period of time was in 2017, so I am giving myself an entire week to not write in my journal. I can type, but when I type it is more concise and when I journal it is more of a free flow.

So, I am typing. I told myself, type, because it feels like things are happening really, really fast while simultaneously things are unfolding in a slow way, it’s a both and. I started writing today and it became so clear to me, that for so, for my entire existence I have felt that my actions have caused someone else to be some way. And yesterday you spoke so clearly to me, you said, “No, you didn’t cause it.” And I have heard this at Al-Alon, I have heard it before, I actually read it in my journals, I read it recently in my first journal. You didn’t cause it… as I was sitting there, writing, the clarity was dawning on me as I was writing, “Oh my, I have willingly taken responsibility for other people’s actions, people have off loaded their shit on me, because they do not want to deal with it themselves. Why are they passing their shit on me? Because they do not want to take responsibly for their shit, but that is the thing, people have consistently done this and I have so willingly been receptive to other people’s shit because I knew no other. I have been so conditioned to willingly and unknowingly take people’s shit.” It’s like I am a coat hook and people off load their stuff because it makes them feel icky so they put it on me. They think, “I feel really icky inside because what I wanted to happen didn’t and I don’t like this feeling so I am going to blame Sara.” And I would take it, until now.

So now, I am able to go back and really look with a different lens, in a different way, no this is not my shit. Which is related to a thread of something similar that I went through this winter, it is not my shit, not mine to take on so I am going to give it back to you, but this time it feels like there is a different layer, a new perspective.

Thank you. Thank you. If you cannot tell through this smile and my voice this enthusiasm, this awareness is huge, this clarity and awareness is huge. When it comes to people being honest with me or people having alliances, or feeling in fear- Oh wow, have you ever thought about that, inferiority, has the word fear in it, subordinate, inferior, because you are in fear of the other person. And I think that happens sometimes with alliances and secrets, what is so and so going to think of me if they find out…, the secretive what if and should.

So, I think to myself, if people are being honest or not with me, it does not really matter. What matters is that I acted and I asked. I acted because I care about myself enough, I love myself enough to speak up. And I asked. I asked. And I stay with that. With this and it is incredible.