Love is Free — sara lynn lashbrook

A week ago I was browsing through a collection of notecards and came across this one. It is titled Graffiti Wisdom and was taken by Pamela Cloud in West Chester, PA. It struck me. The message is profound, simple and complex all at the same time. Today, as I pulled out the card to write a letter written form, snail mail rather than typed and sent via email, I saw the phrase again, this time with new eyes. With a fresh meaning.

Love is free.

The thought that entered my mind as I gazed at the card and read these words again was, “and I have been resisting it for as long as I know.”

Love is free. It is always here. Within me. Outside of me. Surrounding me. Enveloping me. It is here. It is there. That is what there is, Love. Always and everywhere.

Only I have been resisting it. I have been ignoring this. I have been pushing it away.

How did I arrive here? How did I arrive at this knowing? It is a combination; for this moment is inclusive of every moment. It is not one thing that got me here. It is not one thing that brought me here. It is all of it. ALL of it. Every thing. Every moment. All encompassing, leaving nothing out, inclusivity.

Yesterday in my practice, Meaghan said, “notice what you are resisting, the story you tell yourself that you cannot do, that you will not do.” In the moment, I laughed because what I did not want to do was chaturanga, choosing to do knees chest chin instead, fully knowing I am able and capable of doing chaturanga. I chose to listen to the story of my mind, the story of my lower mind, the story that holds me, binds me, restrains me- I am tired, my arms are not as strong, it is at the end of the practice….

Oh, the stories. The stories we tell. The stories we tell to justify our position, to claim status, to be right, to prove to others they are wrong, to protect ourselves, to shut ourselves off from hurt and abandonment. The stories to ignore, to distract, to divert. The stories we do not even know we are telling. These stories that are so known and so familiar they feel like they are ours, when they are not.

Becoming a witness to my mind has been a journey of accessing my own inner strength. When I notice what is arising, I see my tendencies. When I catch on to my patterns, I am able to see with such clarity. Immense clarity. When I say clarity, it is not like my vision becomes better, it is that I can see clearly. There are no obstructions, no projections, no images that cloud or distort my view. (*Interestingly, my outer vision is now going and I am in need of glasses. So while my outer vision is fading, I see how my inner vision is strengthening. Thank you Jeanette!)

Yesterday I watched a fly for some time. It was walking on the inside of a window panel, searching, touching with its legs and from what I could gather, sensing from its sight and smell the way to get outside. The glass panel on the widow was clear, no obstructions, so from the vantage point of the fly, it might be wondering, why am I not there? Why am I here? Why can’t I get there?

Fly on the window, with a bird captured in flight!

At least that is what I was thinking about the fly when I was watching it yesterday. Today, I have a new perspective. Today I was able to see a more, I have a vast perspective on the fly and the glass panel. Yes, the fly was on the inside. Yes, I made the projection that they fly wanted to be outside. Could it be that the fly and window encounter was showing me that I can witness that which is happening outside of me and still remain inside? Can I maintain the stillness and clarity that I see from inside, without getting drawn into the fluctuations of life that are happening outside of me, around me?

As I deepen my position as a witness, I begin to see the patterns and trends, the familiar known ways in which I choose to interact with moments and folks as a dance. The tendencies have a familiar cadence, rhythm. The invitation of this is, what is arising now is to see from behind the window pane to witness how it is similar to observing from the audience rather than getting on the stage and engaging in the play.

For me, I can see how bias is carried into contexts and situations. We carry our baggage, our stories, our narrative into that which we encounter. We are not entering with clarity, rather we often enter from a fixed viewpoint, position. As I notice myself more and more, I see this. And sometimes I wish I haven’t, simply because once you know something you cannot unknow it and in the knowing, especially in the beginning it can show up and present what feels like more work rather than ignoring or not knowing. What I have found, and find again and again is that when we enter situations, we have choices. We can choose to enter clear and free, present in the moment. Or we can lug our baggage and stories in from previous experiences in. We can choose whether to maintain distance from afar, to remain behind the panel of the window so we cannot touch the event and that which is happening in front of us cannot reach us, access us. Or we can step in and join. I am seeing that, no matter the moment, irrespective of what is arising or happening around me, I have a choice. I always have a choice. Instead of stepping in to participate, engaging in a role of savior, rescuer, fixer, amender, victim, villain, hero I can remain a careful observer, a watcher without getting drawn in, hooked in, sucked in.

Now that I can see this, I can also see when I want to join, when I feel the need to join, to step in, to say something, to participate and this awareness is also interesting. This is the piece that I am speaking to when I say it feels like more work. For me I find I touch something, I uncover some aspect of myself, my tendencies, my patterns, the familiar known roles I like to play and engage in and once there, there is always more. Most often I am delighted and charmed. Surprised, is a good way to describe it, as if to say “oh, there you are.” When this ‘more’ is revealed, when layers are unearthed, peeled back, when light shines in, I see how it is connected to something else, which is tied to another aspect. It is all connected. It is all intertwined. It is deep and it is vast.

Roots are aren’t they? I am finding, only now, not before, that when you are uprooted you see that which you were holding on to, you see how far the roots have spread, as you uncover you see that some are shallow, some are deep, some reach far and some are woven in and intertwined with others. I am recalling a birthday party that I had when was younger and my dad transformed a room in our house into a giant web. Each of my friends and I were tasked with the role of undoing the web by following one end of the string to the other. Over and under we went. Taking steps around, and next to one another, forward and backward. We would spin. We would stop and take pause, reflecting on where we might go, what we might do.

We were bound to one another; we were bound to the environment. That is how life is. We are all connected to one another, all connected to the environment, connected to the spaces in which is it all unfolding. All of it is dependent and reliant on the other. It is real or at least it feels real. Our reality is real to us, we are connected to it since we constructed it. How we are at any given moment is reliant on how we see the event, how we experience that which is unfolding. At times we are fueled by these moments. That which we give attention to grows and gains momentum. That which we give attention to is relevant and meaningful to us as a result of our own experiences.

Take for example a ‘problem’. The other day while driving the wheel flew off my car, over my windshield and landed in a field, inviting me to stay in a location for longer than I had planned. When I took myself out to dinner and attempted to pay for it using my debit card, I learned I had insufficient funds in the account. The manager came over and tried to ease what she felt was an uncomfortable situation, “I hope you have a better day tomorrow.” “I am having a great day today,” I replied. “Oh,” she said, “I heard you were having car troubles.” Yes, there was a situation with my car that was out of my control and I did not see it as a problem, as bad. I saw it for what it was, a situation with my car that was holding me in a place longer than I had planned to be there.

What is a problem for one might not be a problem for another, I can see this and I am sure you have too. There are times when you listen to a friend, you witness what they are going through and you see how real it is for them. You remain separate, you remain disengaged, not because you do not care. No, that is not this. It’s that it, the event, the experience that is happening for your friend is not happening for you and you see that. You are not drawn in to the emotions, to the feeling, rather you hold space, you support, you witness. There are also times when what a friend is going through touches you on a deeper level, it resonates with you, your own experiences. Here, when this happens you have the choice, knowingly or unknowingly. You can remain a witness or get sucked in, drawn in to that which is there because it is activating something within yourself that is not resolved. Something is still there deeply rooted within you, it is bringing your attention to something you are holding on to, something you are connected to which is why you have feelings about it. Emotions around it. Whatever is happening highlighting, it activating something within you to draw your attention to it as to say, I am still here, still lingering, please tend to me. We can tend to this when we become a witness, when we observe, when we watch, when we notice and become aware of what is showing up.

***Many folks refer to this as a trigger. I choose to say light up or activate since I already have my mind which can be a strong and powerful opponent so I do not need anything else in my head that is a weapon to cause pain, hurt and suffering.

And that is what happened just now, I picked up this card that I purchased last week and I say it with a new lens, a new perspective. Bringing us back to the beginning, full circle, the card read Love is free.

And the thought that entered my mind, as I gazed at the card was, “and I have been resisting it for as long as I know.”

Ah, yes. I see. This is see clearly now. An invitation to tend to me. To nurture myself. To forgive myself.

I see how I have had desires to do things, desires to be places other than I am. These desires were blocking me from opportunities that were showing up and presenting themselves to me here and now. I can see that the root of this desire was competition and envy, mixed up with feelings of should and shame, that what I am doing is not enough.

What I see, what I am coming to accept is that what is for me, is for me. What is for you, is for you. What wants to express through me, wants to express through me because I am me, uniquely me. As others are uniquely themselves. Rather than engaging with the thoughts of I should, or I want to, or I ought to or ever I plan to. Rather than giving attention to the self-doubt and self-negating stories in my mind, I am inviting myself to soften, to give myself permission to be, here and now. To show up fully. To be present without projections, ideas and expectations.

For I know that the moments that have had the most profound impact on the trajectory of my path in life, have not been planned. In fact, most influential events in life are not planned. Who knows what will come from the wheel of my car flying into a corn field? I can see how my desires, my wants, my plans, my agendas, my expectations and my ideas on how things should go has been limiting me. I see how closely I hold on to projections based on my preferences, my likes, my dislikes, my opinions and judgements and how they could have blocked and have prevented moments in life from happening for me.

I choose to remove the blockages that restrict me from being free. I choose to release fear of the unknown, for the unknown continues to present me opportunities that are far greater than I have known. I choose to loosen the grip of wanting to know, to make sense of, to understand and I surrender all of my actions and the energy I place on seeking control. For I know, from my own experiences, that what life has to offer me is far greater than I can comprehend, way more expansive that my narrow view of what I think is possible. I choose to live here and now, fully present with all that is arising.

Just as the fly arrived on the inside of the window panel, this is where I am meant to be. I can think and say that I want to be ‘there’ or ask how did I get here, but then I would be seeking and projecting my ideas rather than trusting. And I know, I know if I was to be somewhere else, then that is where I would be.

There is no other place than I would rather be.

For love is free and I am me.

Laughing, smiling and in awe,

Sara

If you have been reading my pieces, a song that would resonate here, with this piece is from Jimmy Cliff’s I Can See Clearly Now-

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

I can see all obstacles in my way.

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.

Oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone

All of the bad feelings have disappeared

Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying for

Look all around, there’s nothing by blue skies

Look straight ahead, there’s nothing but blue skies”