Breaking Down
I have been breaking down boxes. Lots of boxes. Literally collapsing boxes to prepare them for recycling. I show up to a pile of boxes. Sometimes they are placed gently on the pile. Other times I can see they have been tossed. I can tell if someone used scissors to open the box or if they ripped it open. Some folks crush the box with their hands, some step on them to smash or stomp them down. I prefer to use scissor to slice the sides with the tape, if tape is holding the box together. I also use a box cutter for the thicker, denser boxes.
In my box breaking experiences I have sprayed myself with meat juice from boxes that have held frozen meat, moisture from vegetable boxes has soaked my shirt and I know first hand what wet potatoes smell like.
I have been fascinated by the many types of boxes there are. There are thick boxes that hold walnuts, pancake mix, pasta. There are thinner boxes that hold beans, canned vegetables and fruit. This feels like a paradox to me, the denser boxes holding the lighter contents, the lighter boxes holding the heavier contents, but then I think about the fragility of the pasta and pancake mix in plastic wrapping that sometimes gets sliced when a box is opened with a blade or scissors. I also acknowledge that the other food items are held in cans, already having a protective layer before the box they are placed in. There are also half boxes that look more like trays that soups and canned chicken are placed on and then wrapped in plastic to hold them in place. Sometimes when I open a box, I find there are other smaller boxes inside, tucked and neatly packed away.
I have found a rhythm to breaking down the boxes, since I am familiar with most of them. I find myself gravitating towards the ones that are “easier” to break down, the fruit boxes collapse with ease once you slice the tape that holds them together. I notice that I leave the milk, meat and fresh veggie boxes towards the end because know they require more energy and effort on my part and I push them to the side to get through the easier boxes first.
As I said, I have been doing this for time and not until today did it dawn on me that breaking down boxes is a huge metaphor for where I am in life, as I am literally breaking down all that binds me, all that holds me, all that contains me.
I am finding that some things that hold, bind, grip, contain me are easier to dismantle than others. Some stories and narratives appear bound to me, stuck with heavy duty glue, reinforced with multiple layers- just like some of the boxes I am encountering. I witness what shows up and feels easy to address, to be with. I am aware that I turn my attention towards that ease and comfort, knowing I will be more successful with some “areas” in my life than those that have been deeply ingrained and reinforced.
It is fascinating to me that I choose. I am aware of my preferences and tendencies. I have likes and dislikes with boxes, preferences towards what feels easy and hard, that which I choose to go towards and those which I choose to put away to the side. That out of sight, out of mind, trick that is not true at all, for I know they are there, lingering, waiting for me to get to them, so the task can be complete. I acknowledge this positionality in dealing with aspects and events in my own life. Similarly there are areas that I tend to gravitate towards that feel better, for I know that there are areas in my life that require attention that I have pushed away or to the side, stuffed down and packed away that brings on the feeling of nausea and that which I resist with a tight, clenched jaw. It is the feeling of, I have been here before and it is not pleasant so why would I want to return? Oh resistance, I am coming to know you so well.
A container. A receptacle. An object that holds something.
The truth of it is, I no longer want to hold that which does not serve me. I acknowledge all that has happened and transpired in my life, for it is what brought me here to this very moment. I am actively accepting responsibility while simultaneously forgiving myself for my role and my participation- knowingly and unknowingly in creating the events in my life. That is what is coming when I open the boxes, I am seeing what I have allowed and what I have given permission to and once it is opened and revealed, I can choose to close it back up, seal the contents and store them away or I have the choice to unpack the box and look, really look at what is there and ask myself what do I want to do with this now that I see it, now that it is revealed.
That is what I do when I open a box, I ask myself,
What is it I am holding on to?
What are the notions and ideas that I have allowed to define me, to give me boundaries, to maintain me, to hold me in a certain position, a specific narrative?
What have I packaged, sealed and stored away?
What am I opening up?
What I am turning towards?
What am I diverting my attention away from?
I delve deeper,
What am I holding on to?
What am I carrying?
In what ways am I containing, controlling, restraining?
What do I feel bound to?
I soften,
What can I release?
What am I willing to collapse?
What am I willing to accept?
What am I willing to forgive?
Enjoying the metaphors in life with delight, a sly chuckle and at times a clenched jaw.
Always showing up and inviting you to do the same.
Holding you in a space without boundaries, in the container of love
Sara