It is Slow or Self Sabotage?

There is something here. Something that feels dense. Something that feels slow. Something that is calling me in. Inwards. To silence. To stillness. To the knowing within.

I dance with this. I dance with accepting this dense, slow call as this invitation to be inwards, to be slow, to move slowly. I see how this can be a call of the harvest season, as we are now past the balance between light and dark and continue to move in the direction of darkness. I have been exploring the notion of cyclical living for a few years now. I do this by honoring the cycles within and without. Noticing my own energy patterns and the patterns of the seasons, of the days, of the weather. Tuning my attention in towards what I am feeling and sensing and being with this.

I say I am dancing with this because as I navigate this cyclical living, I meet moment of high energy, delight, enthusiasm, joy and I also meet slow, quiet, dense, heavy moments. These moments fluctuate within the month, week and day.  I am noticing how my energy shifts on its own and I am exploring how it changes when I eat, practice and sleep.  I am currently curious about all of this- the play of the fall season, moving towards days with less light and darker, my sleep patterns, my eating desires and tendencies, my commitment to my practice and my overall energetic state.  And how my mind plays a role with all of this….

I have been noticing the “should’s” coming on strong. You should be doing this. You should be utilizing your time like this or in this way.  You should be getting this accomplished or done. And it is this interaction, this intersection of the mind with the cyclical living that has me pondering, am I living cyclically or am I sabotaging myself? What you might ask do these have in common?

I know, I know from establishing a relationship with myself that I have a tendency to self sabotage. Yes, I have a pattern that I am aware of, a pattern that involves me and my ability to intersect, to impede, to stop either with actions or stories, sometimes the perfect storm of both the momentum I have gained or the progress that I am making. And I find myself here, asking myself, am I in this place or am I simply tired?

Anyone else know this? Do you experience this?  It’s like we get a taste of what is to come and then we slam on the brakes, pull back the reigns and come to a halt. It’s not dense like trudging through muck or heaviness, I have been there before and I know this to be different. It’s like I am so close, close to what I am not sure, but I feel I am close and then I have an immense desire to stop, to give up, to put up my hands and say I am out. But it is not really what I want to do.

That is not fully true. When I dig deep and excavate around this, I notice that I am actually scared. I am scared of my own strength. Fearful of the truth of who I am and what I am capable of. Unsure. Unsure of what, I am not sure of. It’s this place I have been in before. Not necessarily fear of the unknown, because I actually know what is coming. I know where I am headed and some of the outcomes, the results of these actions that I am taking. It’s, here it is - I am afraid of my light, my power, my strength. My gifts terrify me. For I know I have many gifts and I have met some of them, I have experienced some of them and they startle me. In the moment when I meet them, I am shaken and then I catch myself and want to explore them more. It’s then, when I realize the moment has past, it came and went. Now it is gone. It’s not that I do not think I will meet a moment like that again, it’s that I start to beat myself up for reacting that way, for ending the possibility, the flow of potential of what was there of what I could meet. If only I…, this plays out in my head over and over again.  And I replay previous moments and wonder why have they not happened again? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing? What do I need to do? Why is it not the right time?

And then I exhale, a deep exhale like the one I just did and I ask myself, what is the rush? Who is rushing? What is the need? The answer is easy- comparison. Comparison, the familiar story of it has happened for others, why not me. Which again, is not totally true. Glimpses, faint glimpses of truth are here. But really not that much, for I know what there is no rush and that I will meet that which is meant for me, in the time that is meant for me. This is part of the cyclical living, a piece of the way I have been living for over two years now. Acknowledging and accepting that there are times, certain times for alignment, for when the work is in harmony with the season and it is effortless. Effortless in the sense that we put in the time, we invest in ourselves utilizing the time and the energy that is upon us and then we wait. Ah so, yes! I am in the waiting period. When stuff is still growing, being nourished, tended to. It all comes in its own time and this is the lesson I am being asked to tend to now, to trust the timing. To turn to KNOW, this inner knowing.  To not have a plan, a timeframe and to trust that all is unfolding in its own time. The only time I am battling is the time set in my mind, and this is the dance I have been doing for years. For years, I have been engaging with this dance of time and this notion of comparison for years. And when I place my energy in its direction, I get drained, exhausted, tired. I am using up the energy that I have and sending it to a place, in a direction that does not serve me.

I have had two friends publish books within the past 4 months. Yep, this is the snare. Here is it. Out here for me to see. Why not me? What am I not doing to make my book be published? What is holding me back? What is stopping me? And then I soften, what if it is all working out the way it is meant to for you? What if it is all working in the way it is meant for me? For my life is for me, not them, not anyone else. For me only. So why am I comparing myself to them and their journey?

More muck is churned. What more do I need to do? What do you want me to do? And it is here, with this question for when it arises I know that I have really stepped out of myself, for the question I am posing is suggesting that there is someone outside of myself that is going to make this happen, going to make something happen. And I know, I know that I am here on ground taking the steps, taking action. That the action requires me to do, to be.

Which brings me full circle, am I tired and moving slow in harmony with the cyclical call of the season and the time that is upon me or am I avoiding and engaging in self sabotage?

At this moment, this is where I sit.

Pondering this.

-S