Life is Simple. You are Complicated.

Feeling called to share more of what is arising. When I hold on to what I should be doing, what I think I need to be doing, what I have to do, I am really missing out on being present to what is arising, what is here, right now in front of me.

Cognitively, I get this. It is a both and. Not one or the other.  For this is real. This is real to me. What is it that I am seeking? What is it that I think I will receive, achieve, get as a result of doing? I have been so programmed, so conditioned to think this way- this, if I do-----, then I will get-----. It is so ingrained that I am challenged to unlearn it. How do you unlearn things that are so well known, that come to you without even thinking?

It is so clear to me that I am not this conditioned thinking, my lower mind, my ego. Here is an example: I can be chanting a mantra, fully chanting a mantra while having a full conversation in my mind with someone that is not there. The thing is, is that my awareness is on the chanting, not on the conversation. The conversation is just there, I am not ‘actively’ having the conversation. Yet it is there. Typing this, really being aware of this, I can be doing something, doing something and there, below, lingering there is a conversation in my mind.  At times the volume is loud, other times it is quieter, it is always there, always chattering. No, it is not always there, most often it is there.  I am noticing when it is present. 

I used to not even notice this voice. It was in control. It was so powerful that I did not even know that it wasn’t me. It’s as if I took it for granted, but that is not the correct word.

Now that I am aware of it, its volume is getting louder because it wants to stay in control.  I am sure you have been in a place or interacted with someone when you get into control battle, a control struggle. You want your way, they want their way. For me, there is no middle common ground, for I do not want to be listening to my lower mind.

AND, I am grateful for what it brings up, what it brings to the surface. I am grateful for what arises for it is being brought up so that I can see it is still here.

Ugh, this battle in my mind is real. So real for me. So real to me.

That is why I am tired, that is why I am exhausted. That is why I am drained. I am doing so much more work.

I recall learning how to ski and how I would use so much more energy going across and at times wanting to go up the mountain, rather than letting, allowing the flow of the mountain, the slope of the mountain bring me down. I was working against. Going against the flow, resisting the natural way.  I can think about being in a boat and wanting to row across the river. I learned, from many, many different times, that it is easier to allow the water to do the work, for me to set the boat up and for the flow to do what it knows to do, to flow.

So why do I resist. Why do I make this harder than it is?

Great storm clouds hold in rain, it’s part of nature to hold a bit of pain. All in all, that rain falls and we watch a new thing grow.  – Trevor Hill

This heaviness. This sadness. This weight. This time. Thinking of the documentary I watched last night with my sister. I have been doing an evening practice and not spending much time with anyone in the evening. Yesterday, things unfolded in ways that lead to not doing my practice, and she offered we watch The Octopus Teacher.  What a gift. It is a work of art, of devotion, of love. The piece that is speaking to me now, is a moment with the octopus looses part of one of her arms. It took her time, time in her den, time to heal herself from within. With time she grew her arm back.

You may know from a previous piece that I am intrigued by octopuses and Vincent, the octopus that I have hanging from my review view mirror in my car has seven legs.  One day, while in WY, I was driving on a dirt road and Vincent swung, collided with the windshield and off came one of his arms. My Dad saw Vincent and his arm and glued it back together. For a short while, Vincent was again, an eight armed octopus.  Until one day, I was driving and it just dropped off. Dropped off.  Maybe Vincent wasn’t ready for to be an eight armed octopus. Maybe he, wants more time to be in his den to heal.

How do you unlearn things that you know? How do you unlearn things that are so deeply ingrained inside, that they show up without you even thinking about them, without even calling them in? How do you unlearn listening to that voice within, the voice that shows up without you even inviting it? How do you hold yourself in compassion and grace, while accepting what is arising?

I do not have the answers. From reading, you can sense, glimpse that I am back and forth. I am both and. I am navigating this NOW. It isn’t neatly packaged. It doesn’t make sense. What I know is that I am not always here. Not always here, meaning here in the moment. I get swept up, caught up, held in the drama. I see this. I notice this. I am choosing to not get sidetracked by the drama, to not be held there, in the drama. I am allowing myself to be. I do not want to be controlled by this limited aspect of my mind, the aspect, part of my mind that I am not even choosing to do. That I am not even choosing to speak, to share. I am not saying I am done with it, I am not saying I am doing away with it, because I see the value, I see the opportunity.

That’s it. That is it. This is it. Ah, as I typed I see, it is revealed. There is no thing to seek, to no thing to arrive at. It is all happening, all unfolding, all presenting itself for me to be here. Opportunity, after opportunity. Again and again.  Continuously, consistently showing up as an opportunity for me to see, for me to see that there is no where else to be, no thing to arrive at.

I am going to stay present with what I am doing, as I do with my thoughts when they arise in mediation. Yes, this is it. I will do this in my everyday life, not only in mediation. I have known this, I forgot. I will notice them and let them pass on. If they continue to arise, I am curious about them, accepting them as gifts, as guests. Knowing I can always choose where I want to put, place my attention.  Turning my attention to my intention- to be present. To be here.

This quote came to me yesterday and I LAUGHED OUT LOUD.

Life is simple. You are complicated. –Anand Ji

And that is true.  When I am present, when I am connected, when I am in the flow, there is no thing, nothing that is competing for my attention.  I simply am. It is not complicated.

Being here. Being me.

Sara