When I Forget

Last week I was in it.

I was caught, held, ensnared in my own mind.  I was resisting what was arising. I wanted it to end. I wanted it to go away.

In my dreams I was fighting. I was in battles.  Wrestling, punching, jumping. I was in the arena.

I began to soften. I am not sure when I began to soften, I know only that I began to soften. I began to accept. I began to forgive.

Maybe it was when Lydia asked me “So, how is your practice, going?” as she reached in to the plate to pick up the warm slice of pumpkin bread. We were sitting outside, enjoying the air and the sun. In the stillness of that moment, that simple moment, where we were not doing, not talking, not figuring out, not debating. “I haven’t really been doing my practice,” I replied.  “What have you been doing?,” she asked.

Not doing my practice. Hum. I am showing up for life. I am showing up in life. I am practicing to be present. I am practicing to be here. To be in the moment. To be responsive. So I am doing, by being. I began to see that my practice is how I live my life. It is not only about sitting on my cushion or getting on my mat, my practice is how I live my life.

Later, she asked me to write a piece called A Brave Girl’s Life. I began writing about looking at fear that dance of being unsure and curious at the same time.

I recalled the walk I took to the waterfall. Looking, seeking and when looking, seeking we are missing what is here, now, what is around us now. Looking for something particular, my image of what a waterfall is from my experience. Using what I know to find something, to locate something, noticing familiar signs. We thought to ourselves, did we pass it, did we go the wrong way.

What am I searching for?

What am I waiting for?

What do I think is going to arrive?

This thread of doing, continues to arise. Me doing. I laugh, it is not about doing. I know that. I have forgotten. It is not to do. It is to be.  It is easy to share these words to others, the purpose is to be, to be you, yet, at times I feel I need to be more, to do more.

In this, I turned to a resource. I picked up This is That Pantanjali’s Yoga Sutras Padas 1 and 2, by my teacher Anand Mehrotra. I opened it, began to read and these words found their way to me:

“You will of course have your dips and find yourself in the familiar territory of your old patterns, but these dips will lesson if the practice continues. We shouldn’t be surprised by these fluctuations. We should not judge them. The fluctuation is a natural phenomenon of growth which occurs as you move in the direction of stability. It is not a mistake, it is a sign of progress.”

Ahhh, to read these words. This gift. Received. It is natural. It is a part of the process.  The practice is doing what it is designed to do. The technology is working, doing its thing. Highlighting what need to be deleted.

“As you continue the practice, then you will start to stabilize and that stability gives birth to the ability to not get hijacked by total forgetfulness. The clarity maintains, even though you might have thoughts of negativity… As you practice, through practicing the different aspects of yoga, we naturally start to release the impurities, the toxins from our consciousness and greater and great illumination starts to arise.”

Yes,  all is arising for me. What will bloom from this muck?

Accepting it all,

Sara