Letting Go to Accept or Is It Accepting to Let Go?

Another practice of detachment, not being attached, letting go

I wrote the previous piece It’s a Both And a few days ago. Then after a mediation with Matheus, I had a huge awakening, realization and as soon as I came out of the mediation, I added words that flowed freely in.

Rereading the piece, I combined the previous part with the new addition and made it flow. After letting it sit, I returned to it and I felt that there were two different pieces within the one and that they would be better separate. So, I choose to cut a few paragraphs, moving them to a new document for a new piece. While reading over It’s a Both And again, I found a few more parts that felt they would be better suited in the second piece, so I cut those as well.

I published It’s a Both And, realizing only after that I had not pasted the most recent cut piece into the new document, so I did that. What I did not catch, was that I had actually copied It’s A Both And piece from Word into Squarespace so what I actually pasted was the It’s A Both And piece over the cut pieces on the new document piece. Yep. This very action, caused me to layer over what I have previously pasted. Deflated, I closed the document and did not save it.

I realize now, there were a few steps that I could have taken to recover the cut pieces and I tried. After I was not successful, I accepted that the words I typed were gone. They once were and now they are not locatable. Yet, they flowed through me so they were with me at one point. Since I was connected to them and I can access them again.

What I find funny, not yet hilarious, is that the It’s A Both And piece is about accepting rather than separating, being inclusive of both my head and my heart, not favoring one or the other. And I wanted to separate a piece out of it to make it stand alone, in that very action, I was choosing one or another. What is also humorous to me is that I chose to use the 30,000 crows photo to accompany the It’s A Both And piece, and crows symbolize detachment, among other aspects, to me.

So here, what I have been playing with and putting into practice, is the very thing I am experiencing now. To detach. To not be attached. To let go and allow it to be.

What it is stirring up is the need to be accepting. Accepting that I no longer have access to the piece. Acknowledging the feeling that I am bummed about it and let down in a sense. It is also inviting me to see that this too is an opportunity to learn, to not hold on to and become attached to any outcome.

I acknowledge that when a story pops up in my mind, like “how did you do that?” “Why were you so careless?” “How did you let that happen?” that I am being hard on myself. The underlying story or the root of this is self-deprecating, feeling I should have done something different. Only now, when this shows up, I realize that I am not accepting myself for who I am, what I have done and where I am at. When these stories, these narratives show up I see now that I like when things are going my way, life feels easy when I am in agreement with how things are going and when something goes a different way, or when I disagree with how something is playing out, I am harder on myself and I am resistant. In this resistance there is self-hatred and self-violence, feeling I should be someone else or should have done something else. Sometimes it shows up as I should be somewhere else. Whatever it is, it comes with a should be, and that should be is not accepting me for who I am and what I have done. Showing me that at the root, I am not accepting of all of me, rather I only accept parts of me. Parts of me that I like, parts of me that I agree with. And here, I am shown that I am not accepting and loving of myself, all of myself. This very action, this awareness brings to light the struggle I have been battling in my mind- what I like about myself, I accept. What I do not like about myself, I reject. I can even say I resist.

Why do I resist myself? Why do I reject myself? How has this come to be?  I am in the practice of not analyzing this, so these are questions I am putting out there to be aware of. Asking and being curious, noticing what arises for me to see. Noticing what comes to the surface to see the light, to breathe in air. Noticing what wants to become known.

This inner battle. This opposition, born through taking a position against myself. Wow, to know this now. You are battling yourself Sara, you are fighting yourself, your very act of taking a stand is pitting yourself against yourself. This is an internal battle, one that you can fight from position of resistance or resolve through acceptance.

Full acceptance.

Not selective acceptance. Choosing the parts and pieces that are aligned with what I think is right or best, good or worthy, acceptable or in alignment with the story I want to tell.

Full acceptance.

It is full acceptance of who I am, how I am and where I am. Right now. Living in and from this present moment.

Not tugged into the past, not thrusting myself into the future. This is part of the pull, part of the battle. This non acceptance of the moment, wanting to be somewhere else, doing things differently so I would not be here. This very thought, these very thoughts are the acts of self-violence and self-hatred. This comes from not accepting myself for who I am, for wanting to be someone else, for feeling I should be someone else. The thought that I am still battling these inner thoughts, that I should be done with this, over it already remains. It lingers on. It has a strong essence; its presence has been so present in my life it has become familiar. This constant completion against myself. Against others. Yes, these thoughts signify that I am not in acceptance, that I am taking a stance against myself, wanting or shoulding myself to be anyone other than me or anywhere other than here. That me being me is not enough.

There is nowhere else to go. No one else to be. Why would I want to escape myself? I already know what that is like. I lived much of my life in avoidance of myself, running, hiding, numbing, donning masks to be someone else or at least to trying to be. Those were and are acts of violence against myself, and they are hurtful. Painful to turn my back on myself, to not like me for who I am. I did not see how hard I was on myself. The stories, telling myself to be more like someone else or to stop being the real authentic me because it got me in trouble.  The more I see this, the more I acknowledge these acts of hatred and self-violence, more arise, more come to the surface. This is what acceptance looks like for me, in one form and it comes with its partner forgiveness. Forgiving myself for what I have done and what I have not done. This can occur right now in the present moment.

That is the gift of this moment, and the next and the next. I can stay here in the present moment or I can relive the past or pretend to plan the future. Why would I choose to spend my energy on this, because this very act of being somewhere else rather than here is also a disservice to me, I am robbing myself from the experience of now. How much have I missed by not being here, how much have I missed by being in my mind?

This is a huge awareness. I had thought that it was my higher Self fighting my ego, but really it is my ego fighting my ego. My highest Self, my true Self already knows and is patiently waiting with open arms for me to return to her love, return home to her open arms. My ego wants to be right and it will stop at nothing, no matter which stance it takes and it loves divisiveness and suffering, this is what fuels it, gives it power. This inner resistance that weakens, that strives to weaken me, to tire me out. The voice that says, “I cannot take this anymore.”  What my ego does not know is that I have gained strength through my practice and I have grown strong through my commitment to myself, this strength and power is what fuels me and I do not want to fight anymore. What my ego is now realizing is, that it will have stop once I am home in the arms of the Divine. I know this from my practice, I have no thoughts when I am home within myself, at ease with myself. Nothing can access me there, nothing can get to me. That is how I know there is nothing wrong with me, because I have accessed myself through my commitment to myself through my practice. I see, I see what is happening. My ego is pulling out all of its tactics to keep me complacent, to keep me bound, in suffering in this constant pull. Yes, yes, yes, I see this now. My practice remains and when my ego comes on strong, I turn to my practice without a doubt, without hesitation. There is no turning back, I am in. I am committed and I am staying the course.

My life, life in general is not intended to be a burden or a struggle. It is meant to be lived fully, enlivened and celebrated. I have heard these words before, they have been shared with me, told to me. I have even repeated them out. But now I know, and with this new knowing I can choose, I can choose to stay in this state of duality, being yanked into the past or thrust into the future. Yes, I have a choice, I can live in a state of competition with myself or I can live from a place of ease and acceptance. Accepting myself fully. All of me, not only the parts that I like or agree with, or the parts that others like and agree with, I am every piece, every part. For I am a sum of all of my parts. I cannot be me without my experiences that made me, that brought me here. So why do I want to shun or ignore parts of me, the parts that fuel me, that give me power, that have taught me to rise up, to stand up, to claim my space and be seen. Why would I only want to show parts of me that I think others would like so I would fit in and be accepted? I can rewrite my stories, accepting my choices and celebrating my actions rather than feeling ashamed or regretful. For staying in that stance, seeing life from that position is limiting and depleting. It is diminishing and punitive. It is a hurtful stance, an act against myself, one that I am no longer choosing to live by.

There is nothing wrong with me. There never has been and there never will be. The more I accept this, the more whole I become.

I acknowledge each and every part and piece of me.

I accept each and every piece of me.

I welcome each and every piece of me.

I love each and every piece of me.

I see myself as whole and complete.

A sum of all of my part and pieces, inclusive of all of the experiences I have had that brought me here.

The life I live is my life. For I am life itself. Life flows through me and life flows through you. I can choose to continue to live this life as a battle, in opposition with myself or I can choose to celebrate and cherish this opportunity to be here, living fully and being in joy with all that comes my way.

Cherishing, swirling and giggling with delight,

Sara