It's a Both And

Have you ever said something to a friend and been surprised by what came from your mouth, the words you speak or type and how the message to the dear friend is the same message that you yourself can benefit from hearing? The words that you share are the very words that you need to hear or read, the words that you need to receive?

This happened to me as I typed a text message to a beloved friend.  These are the words I shared:

Beloved.

Hug.

You are showing up for

Yourself in ways that

You have before,

It’s slightly different

With these circumstances

With this, you know you can

TRUST yourself, rely on

Yourself in challenging times

Stay with this truth

Stay with this knowing and

Return to it when you

Forget and get caught

In the tide of self-doubt

 And worry

The grip of fear is strong-

It wants everything to remain

As it is, the same

But that is not possible,

For we exist in time

And in time there is change

There is growth and decay

That is the nature of nature

What remains is your relationship with

Yourself

You are love itself

Choose love

Choose yourself

I have been in the pull of duality. Have you ever been there? The tug? The back and forth? The doubt? The questioning? The worry? Have you ever experienced this? Yes, it is true, I have been here in this pull of duality. And I know exactly how I got here. I read a line in an email, a line that lit me up.

There was a brief awareness of gratitude, gratitude for what was, gratitude for what is and gratitude for what will come. I glimpsed this, I felt this. I observed this. And then the grip of time mind took over. It was as if it swooped in and put its claws on my chest, taking away my breath while I looked from side to side bewildered, wondering what is happening, what just happened?

Ah, the grip of the mind. The stories. The narrative. The habitual patterns and trends. Its ability to dream and create expectations. Its strength draws me away from the present moment thrusting me into the future while yanking me back to the past all the while full of self-doubt and worry, asking myself how did I get here? What did I do wrong? How did I mess this one up? What sign did I miss? What subtle clue did I override? 

Yes, this its power. This is the power of duality, especially when I am stuck in the mind. Once I am here, I debate myself. I criticize. I judge. I defend. I cry. I scream. I feel lost. I am confused. Disoriented. Unsure. And here I remain until I gain some clarity, some solid ground, some space.

Sometimes it takes a long while for me to arrive to the space of silence where I access clarity. I had already witnessed that the only thing that shifted once I read the email was the state of my mind, everything around me remained the same. The birds were flying, the train passed by, the flowers were growing. Everything on the external was continuing on the way it had been. It was my mind that changed, there was a shift there and I could feel it throughout my body. So I decided in that moment to turn to techniques I have been taught. I worked with my breath to shift my state rather than remain stuck.  I have learned that talking helps in some aspects and taking action through kriya helps me in others. While sitting on my cushion and activating my inner fire and will, I was able to gain perspective, gain separation. I was able to distance myself and see from a new lens.

I find observing is a wonderful way to spend time. I have always been curious and I wonder a lot. I like to reflect. I like to dissect situations, looking at them with my current lens asking what could I have done differently. And you know what, I find it really doesn’t help. I cannot go back; I cannot make the change and at times this awareness of not being able to change what has happened brings me to a place of feeling stuck.  It also brings to the surface my tendency to analyze. When I analyze I often judge and when I judge I often critique. Then I find myself defending and or justifying my action, my “why.” 

What if, instead of moving into a place of analyzation I simply notice? What if I observe? From this place of observing, I have the ability to be distant, separate from rather than tied up in or caught by the thoughts and narratives. When I observe I am noticing what is happening as an observer.  I am a witness. Being with what I see, what I feel, whatever is arising without attaching a thought to it. I am being with, rather than clinging to. I am watching from the outside, not getting drawn in to the drama, the old story with victims, villains and heroes. Instead, I am watching it all play out. Removed, like watching a play or a movie from the seat of an audience rather than being in it on the stage or set.

I notice that I fluctuate here too, feeling the tug of observing and analyzing, noticing and judging, witnessing and critiquing. This duality is exhausting. This back and forth, which should I do, where should I put my energy towards, what is the right action to take…. And then I remember that I am in my head. Spending time listening to my head, getting sucked in more and more to the side that wants to be right, to be correct, to do the right thing, to not get this wrong, to not make a mistake.

I have been exploring living from my heart. I have been exploring living from my head. I spend time observing this. I used to think I had to live from one and not the other, that living from my heart was better than living from my head. “Get out of the head and into the heart,” is a phrase that I have told myself. As I type this, I see this is another form of duality- one or the other. I positioning myself, telling myself one is better than the other. That I am doing it wrong if I am living from my head. That I am too, “idealistic” if I am living from my heart. But those are just words, phrases that I have been told, that I have picked up from here and there and carried around as if they are mine. They are not. I have lived from my head. I have lived from my heart. I live from my head. I live from my heart. I type from my head. I type from my heart. I love from my head. I love from my heart. What I am actually doing when I position myself against myself, is going against myself, fighting myself. When I take a stand like this, I am setting myself up to either be right or wrong. This is the internal battle, this positionality is at the root of the duality.

Why does it need to be one or the other? Why can I not accept them as a both and? This practice of acceptance is not wanting to be somewhere else, someone else. Or the familiar story of “I will be when…,” no that is self-hatred, that is violence to the self. It is toxic when I say or tell myself I am worthy only when I clean all of this up, when I am healed, when I have no more fluctuations.

When I do not accept the here and now, I am in resistance. When I do not accept what is unfolding now, what is being offered now, offered for me to see, to see what is here in this space in which learning happens, there is opposition within. I have to catch myself and be aware to not write, that which is still here, because using those words implies that, whatever I am resisting should be gone. It implies that I should be- either should be someone else, or should be somewhere else. This is a focusing on the doing, what has been done rather accepting what is here, seeing what is here, acknowledging what is here. This creates struggle. This very act creates the pull, the tension, the polarity.

I tell myself; I have cleared this. I have done this sadhana or practice. I have done this and that. This narrative is like a tick in a box. Check, done this. Check, done that. Been there, addressed that. It is dismissing the now, that which is here now, ignoring that which is arising and presenting itself to be seen. What I am actually saying to myself is that I have failed because it is still here. I am battling myself for not getting it done, taking care of it, completing the task. The voice in my mind says to me, this should already be gone, cleaned up, taken care of. As if there is an end point that I am supposed to arrive to.

I received a text from Jeanette with a message from her yogi tea that spoke directly to my struggle:

May your head and your heart speak with one voice.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Of course. I was bringing the duality into the head and the heart, thinking that they are separate entities, separate technologies, separate wisdom, when they are one. My practice, my daily practice is to come into alignment, bringing the head and the heart into alignment meeting together at the throat chakra and speaking as one, one unified voice. No longer separate entities, separate places and spaces, rather they are united, together as one. Aligned.

This is a huge AHA for me. This is a huge shift of awareness. Separate but the same. Inextricably connected and working together in tune, in alignment for the greater good of my being.

Sharing from my head and my heart, as one,

Sara