As Within, So Without

Sometimes I find myself totally engulfed, tangled up in a web of shoulds, self-doubt, shame, obligation and worry. I continue to explore how to separate myself from these stories and thoughts that occur.

Sometimes I ask myself, who am I? Who is this that is having these thoughts? Is it me? Is it someone else? Who has these thoughts that come towards me, that arrive out of what feels like no where?

Sometimes I turn to mantra, shifting the focus of my attention from the story to a phrase that I repeat over and over again.

Sometimes I have compassion for myself, noticing that I am caught in the snare, reminding myself that this too, is an opportunity to grow.

And then my friend Corrine offered me the practice of envisioning the other person, whom I am feeling particularly connected to, as a complete stranger and asking myself the same questions I am asking myself about someone near and dear, the very someone I feel attached and obligated to. This very thought had me laughing out loud, full on cackling out loud.

Yes!  This is amazing. It is so easy and there is an absurdity to it, to speaking the stories out loud rather than keeping them in my mind and pairing this with the vision of a total stranger, with whom I have no connection with at all.

The questions of Do I? and Should I? disappear and clarity arrives.

Profound.

This is genius thinking. This simple offering has so many implications. It provides me the space to see with clarity, to not be clouded by stories or relationships of the past and brings me right here now.

As I said, I have been exploring this non-attachment for some time, finding ways to not feel obligated and responsible for others and take action from a place of inner knowing without wavering in the sea of shoulds.

When I see or pretend someone is a stranger, I do not have the emotional connection, emotional attachment or drama triangle connection - being a victim, hero or villain. It has nothing to do with the other person, it is all about forgiveness for myself because the other person is just being themselves.

It is that I am, either too emotionally invested, connected or intertwined with the story, pattern or dynamic that I feel I need to act or respond in a certain way to maintain consistency, normalcy, predictability the way it has flowed. That is what many people like. Folks, in my experience do not like to be pushed out of their comfort zone, in the same way that I do what I can to control environments, they do the same. And I have a tendency to do whatever I can to make others feel at ease and comfortable. I am a master at that, distorting myself, bending myself and ignoring aspects of myself to provide ease for others. So grateful for the opportunity to see this!

What I am seeing is that part of my practice of detachment is to see them as a stranger so I can practice dropping all of the attachment and the connections that bind me to the need to provide ease for them and dis-ease for me.

This is the practice of becoming a witness, to step away, to distance, to remove myself from the situation at hand. To watch as if it was playing out on a stage or movie set and to be in the audience rather than an actor playing its role. To observe this play, this act and the players in it from a removed stance, from a stance as an an audience member or someone on the set, not a part of the cast. Stepping away from my role, from my roles that I have come to know so well I do not even know I am acting. I have embodied the character, I have become them and from that place I act. I interact. Yet, when I become an observer and have that scene play out with strangers rather than familiar characters who also are familiar in the roles they play- I see something new. I see from a new perspective, a new vantage point. I become the witness rather than a participant and this very action, this step helps me see clearly. Provides me an opportunity to see the script, the patterns that we have fallen into, that we know so well we act and interact from this place, dutiful and committed to our roles.

Yes, this is genius. I have written about this before. I have experienced this to a degree before. This is a whole new layer, a whole new lens from which I can see. The clouds, the fog, the smoke, the haziness has cleared and there is immense clarity.

As within, so without.

Yesterday, while driving this came to me:

If we allow ourselves to become absolutely empty, with nothing there, then nothing can become attached, nothing can land. Nothing can stay, nothing can remain in this place of emptiness that isn’t void, it is full, it is intelligent. Its just there. In this empty space there is no trauma, drama, victimization- all of that has been healed or transcended and when that no longer remains, then it, all of the stories and feelings that come with them do not have a place to land, nothing to cling to, nothing to be held in.

When you access nothing, nothing is there, there are no thoughts, when you become nothing, nothing can affect you.

I know this to be true from my mediation and practice through which I access a space within where there are no thoughts, no ideas, no shoulds or need tos. There is nothing in this space, but it is not empty in the sense that it is a void, scarce. Rather this space is full of pulsing energy, pulsing with an aliveness that is so real that nothing is more important than it. This space is the present moment. It is me in my fullness. Beyond thoughts, stories, needs, and avoidances. Pure presence. Me. Where nothing can touch me, shift me, distract me, divert me. Nothing. This space where I am untouchable, unlocatable. Not clinging to a story or identity, a position or narrative. It is simple. It is vast. It is beautiful.

With this, I know that there is a space that is accessible, beyond the stories and narratives, beyond the negative aspect of the mind, the one that tends to hold me in a staying pattern of the ever repeating known.

This space in which I access the essence of me, the truth of who I am, this space in which I am learning to live in and from, responding to the requests and needs (sometimes those which feel like demands of others), from the space of knowing me, the essence of me, from a place of what is best for me. When I am here, I am claiming my truth, standing firm, accessing the inner voice and not overriding it with the stories of should, need to and the feelings of obligation.

And with each step I take, each action I make, each sound I voice I am coming home to myself.

As within, so without. As I access this knowing within, I can also access this knowing without. This knowing of observer, witness, not attaching or clinging to any thoughts or ideas, emotions or feelings. Simply noticing, watching. This is accessible within, in my mediation practice. This is accessible, without in my practice of everyday, that which we call life.

Genius. Pure Genius.

It is possible. The question is, are you willing?

With a hug,

Sara