I've Been Watching the Leaves Fall

The beginning of this piece was written in October 2022.  I came upon it now, in October 2023 and it is in harmony with the piece I am currently writing… which has me intrigued. A year later, similar themes messages arrive. So, I have chosen to merge, to bring both of these pieces together. Maybe some parts will resonate with you and your journey.

From October 2022

I have been watching the leaves fall. Observing them. Listening to them swirl, be carried by the wind. Noticing how they fall, where they fall, when they are held by branches, supported in certain positions, how they gather together.  Yes, I have been watching the leaves fall.

The other night, the message I that was shared with me was- give it all to the forest, give all of your worries to the forest. I am practicing being open. If the messages are coming, it is one thing to hear them, it is another to do something with them. My intention is to receive the words and take action, so I took these words and went to be in the forest.

As I sat on a rock in the forest, I had the awareness that the forest ground is the place where things are received and the place where things grow. It is a both place; as things fall to the forest ground, they decompose and they nourish. Then, in time, with time that which wants to grow and rise does so. And eventually the leaves, they fall. They loosen their grip, their bind, their connection to the branch and they drop. Again and again, this cycle continues. And I see this an invitation to accept this part of the cycle, to loosen my fear, my worry, my grips, that is holding me, which is really holding me back. And when I say holding me back, I mean holding me in a repetitive loop pattern, which is the mind. And it feels so strong right now. It is not relevant, why, it just is. I wanted to leave, to eat, to do anything other than sit and be.  Which is what I was being called to do. To sit with what was arising, to be with what is arising. To not try to change, shift, alter it in any way. To be with it. To sit with it. To allow it to be as it is.

I told, I actually told myself to sit and be. To not try to divert or distract, read or send messages, check messages or connect with someone. Instead, rather be with myself. Be with myself. Be with this. Be with that is here. Not clinging to a thought or idea, simply being with them. Noticing them. Seeing them rise and fall, like my breath. In that process, I could see the hooks where things can land, hang and stay. They are preferences. What I prefer, what I would like. Which is another way for me to attempt to control. To avoid, alter, change the current circumstance or moment, to want it to be any other way than the way it is.

As I continued to sit and be, I guided myself with my breath:

I receive here from the earth, pulling up this energy from the earth. On the inhalation, I receive this regenerative, healing, restorative, life giving energy, prana from the earth. On the exhalation, I return it all. I recycle it back down into the earth and pull up fresh life enlivening energy, welcoming it into my body. As I exhale, I release all that is already used, already done- back down into the earth. 

I continued guiding myself like this, breathing in the healing energy from the earth and exhaling out all that has been used, all that is done. I stayed here with my breath.

Eventually my mind came to ease. My body came to ease. My energy came to ease.

With this came clarity. The time offered to me in the forest, allowed me to see what is important to me, where I put my energy, my time and attention. To realize that I have a say in this. I can choose. I create it all.

Then yesterday, a few days after being in the forest, another message came. An offering was given from the leaves as I sat and watched them while sipping my chai:

The Wind, Pavana Putra- the heart of nature encourages this, she promotes this, she supports and allows this release. No longer holding, grasping the trees and the leaves part. They separate knowing they are one, that they have served, given one another what they can and it is time, the call of nature, the heart of nature, Pavana Putra herself is inviting their parting.

I smiled. Yes, yes. There is a natural parting. A natural release. It is only the grip that wants to hold, to cling to what is known, what has been known, what is familiar. It is the grip that wants to maintain the same. Nothing remains the same. Nothing remains the same. That is the illusion, the delusion. The story we are told. The story we tell ourselves, to provide comfort, ease, control. To protect. We shelter ourselves off to shield from the hurt, to protect ourselves from experiencing the present moment and all it offers, the raw emotion and feelings. We have a tendency to find comfort in this ever repeating known. We tell ourselves that we are safe when we build up these walls, creating dividers and separations and it is all based on an illusion, a false truth, a memory of what once was. We cling to this, thinking this is the way it is, this is the way it will be, something like this will happen again so we put these barriers up around us, these walls, shields as attempts to protect, to prevent, to control.

It is so limiting, narrowing. It is the walls that bind, that confine. These stories from our past that keep us in the ever repeating known. I tell myself, we tell ourselves that our knowing of the known is safer. We can be prepared for what is coming, because we already know it, we have already lived it, so we are aware of the signs and we can divert it.

From October 2023

I’ve been setting the intention to have a New North. To be with all that is. To find the balance, the alignment, the center, the harmony between the extremes that I tend to experience. Yes, this center point. This space.

To be with all that is. It is a dance and a resistance at the same time. It is an expansion and contraction at the same time. It is the high and the low. The in and out. The up and down. The dark and light. The yes and the no. It is all of it, all of the things at the same time. There is kindness. There is compassion. There is forgiveness. Judgement is there. Opinions are here. So is hesitation, doubt and confusion. It is all of this. It is the knowing and experience of all of this. It is the experience of all of this, of knowing these aspects of myself deeply. The self violence, self hatred. The grace. The love. Accepting myself fully. Meeting myself in this center meeting point, this space in which these extremes meet, become one. Unifying. In unity.

I have been noticing the subtler signs, the signs that are softer, quieter, not so overt. I often override or ignore these subtle signs. What I have been experiencing is that when I ignore them, they ramp up, they get louder and stronger, more forceful to get and sometimes to grab my attention. These moments, I have come to realize are lessons, opportunities for me to learn. And what had been playing out most often, up until recently, is that this diversion of the signs that I do again and again and again happens until they become so pronounced that they have fully grasped me. In these moments I notice that my mind is hooked and my physical body is responding. I am asking all the questions while simultaneously having my nervous systems on high alert, hyper vigilant- looking, searching, trying to make sense of what just happened. Or I feel nausea and that unsettled stirring that something is brewing in the pit of my stomach

Now I know. I know now that I had been ignoring the signs and signals and in doing so the messages had to be delivered in a way that I could no longer ignore. In a way that were so blatant that I could not miss them.

Hence my new North. To tune in, to be with the extremes, to find that center space, that balance, the inner alignment to be with all that is and to not be swayed or moved. It’s not that I am experiencing emotions or feelings and ignoring them. It is that I am no longer allowing feeling or emotion to be the driver of me. I am listening in to the messages, to the lessons that are here for me to learn and to grow. I am committed to doing my part to participate in this learning and in doing so I have to (yes, it is a have to, a have to by choice which I guess is a get to), I get to leave behind, to drop what is no longer serving, that which I no longer want to carry or lug around, or wear. I no longer want to wear glasses of the past that provide the lens for projection, lens that clouds my view of what is really here in the moment. 

This is what the call of nature, this cyclical call is asking me to do.

Ah yes, this clarity. The clarity that comes when the hazy smoke of confusion, hesitation, delusion, debate and worry, when these smokey clouds part. The clarity that I know I meet time and time again. Clarity is here. It is here, I meet it when I am silent, quiet and I am learning to see it, hear it, feel it when it shows up as a flash, a quick bolt of light. Yes, clarity comes as a bolt of light, like a flash. It is so fast, so quick I used to miss it. It’s just that now, through practice I am noticing it more and more. It comes quick, right before the mind kicks in with its stories. It come before the feeling. It comes before the emotion. It comes before all of the cloudy, murkiness. Yes, the clarity is here right before all of this comes it.

And it comes after. It also comes after. After I have been held in the grips, the waves, the storm. I have met clarity there before. That clarity is familiar. This newer clarity, this balance, this knowing, this alignment, this peace, this activated moment comes before the clouds descend and this, this is what I am tuning in to. This is what I am inviting more of. This is what I am attending to. This is what I am cultivating.

Dropping away, cleansing away, burning away all that has already served it purpose, its role. Allowing it be taken from a place of immense gratitude for what is has done, what is has provided and leaving this space open for what is coming, what is on its way.

More. More and more.

Yes, please.

Or as the leaves and trees are showing me, letting go.

Which reminds me of a joke my sister shared with me.

What is the tree’s favorite season?

Fall. They really let loose!

Showing up, rocking up, listening in, letting loose, dancing, twisting, swirling, falling and doing the work as it is being asked of me.

Live is practice. To live is to practice. To live is to learn.

Living. Learning. Loving.

Jai Maa,

Sara

*As I go to press the Save & Publish button, the rain begins to fall. Yes. Yes. Yes. How about that for alignment? This grace. This love. I am in awe. Total and utter awe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.