If I Doubted Change, Here is a Message

I used to be jealous of folks who had time to put lotion on their body after a shower or a bath.

How do they have time for that?, I would ask myself. Perplexed by the notion of time and the ever looming field of things I felt I had to do without the time to get them done.

I was jealous of folks who had time to put lotion on their bodies.

Let’s be with that for a moment.

Actually, let’s back up and I’ll lay a map, a trace of how I came to that thought. See, it is a game I play with myself. To trace the thoughts and how they arise, how they arrive to me.  I catch myself and this morning I was in the process of catching my thoughts, my conditioned response to believing that my current state, the state of where I am, if I am okay or not is dependent on someone else’s perception of me.

I am in a place where I am unsure about where I stand. How someone views me and what they think of me. Now, normally, usually, most of the time, this is irrelevant as I practice that what someone else thinks of me is none of my business. However, it is taken me some time to arrive to that, to accept that, to believe that, to know that to be true and recent events have shaken my foundation and like a fissure, the earth below has opened up and stuff is spurting out.

This is an old way. An old way of living. Of thinking. Of being.  An old way that I am working to be consciously aware of and when I catch it, the old way of thinking and being, coming in I change it. I actually say the word CHANGE. I am interrupting the normal flow of things, the way things have been going along.

Until now.

So, this morning, in mediation I was working with this. Noticing all of the thoughts that were flooding in and catching them. Saying gently, this is not a loving way of being Sara, this is self destructive. We know this path, it does not serve us. Let’s forge a new way. Let’s create a new way.

There was a time in my life when I had vein surgery. They literally removed part of the vein in my lower leg and when I was healing, I envisioned my blood cells trying to go their familiar route, only to find it was no longer there. I’d see the blood cell in the front saying, it’s a dead end, we must turn around. And the cells around all backed up into one another, for they were not thinking at all, just going along with what they have always done, how they have always flowed. Until then. I pictured them looking around in confusion, what? Where are we supposed to go? We have always gone this way? Then one brave cell says, let’s try this way. And slowly, slowly they find a new way.

This vision came to me this morning when I was thinking of my cells and how they have a tendency to do just this, follow along and be. Doing what they know. I know they have a mind of their own, it’s just that sometimes it is not activated or woken up, so today I envisioned myself gathering my cells. I found myself being a leader, a wise leader, leading my cells away from the old familiar. We know this. We have been here. Let’s do something different. Let’s create new. I know it requires effort and commitment. This I know. I know you already have the dedication and steadfastness because you show up for me, for us, all of us every day in every moment. So that is there, at the root, at the foundation. We have that already. Let’s use this strength and commitment to gain momentum and forge a new way. A way that is loving and compassionate. A way of thinking that is forgiving and fully of grace. We can do that, right. We can support one another in this, right?

So this morning, just now, while I was in the shower, I talked to my cells. I was sharing with them, especially the skin cells, they are the ones on the outside, exposed, “Thank you for your service. Thank you for your protection. Thank you for shielding me.”  And then, after I dried my body, I applied lotion saying, “Thank you. Thank you for your healing. My body, mind and spirit are healthy,” These are lyrics from an Alexa Chullen song that has been on replay in my mind.

And this is where I am. Sitting here, typing these words to you now, because I was reminded that there was a time in my life when I was jealous of folks who had time to put lotion on their body.

Things show up for me in interesting ways. This was a pleasant gift, reminding me, that if I ever wondered or had doubt in the power and ability to change, here it is.

With a hug,
Sara