Time Travel Powers
I just discovered that I have time travel powers. I can be in three places at once.
Past. Present. Future.
All. At. The. Same. Time.
Yes, this is a gift that I discovered recently. Not by choice. I’ve known this. I have experienced this and then I realized this. Maybe you know this, how you can know things about yourself because you have experienced them before, lived them and then all of a sudden it dawns on you. You gain a new perspective and just like that something you’ve known about yourself and maybe have forgotten or pushed down or ignored, springs up and grabs a hold of you, shaking you to get your attention, shouting at you.
Yes. I have time travel powers. I can be in three places at once.
Yet, it is a gift? I think not. There is nothing enjoyable about this. Nothing pleasant. Nothing charming. No. Rather it is a dreaded gift. One that I am not excited about. One that is not something I would share with many. And here I am, sharing it with you.
Have you ever felt blind sighted? Have you ever felt like folks know things before you and you are the last one to know? It’s like, how long have you known this? For how long? When I am in this space, this space of being not being able to see clearly, all the questions start pouring in - When did you know? When did you decide? How have you kept this from me? Why are you letting me in now?
Ah, this enigma of time. This knowing and not knowing. Sensing and feeling. Overriding and story telling, or attempting to stop the story telling and the rational mind. It’s all stuff you only know, now. Can only see now.
After.
After the time travel. After you have been in three places at once, while being no where at all. Feeling detached and unrooted. Ignored and shunned. Excluded and forgotten about. Dismissed. Discarded. Unworthy. Not worth it. Passed over. Not important.
While simultaneously strong and powerful. Grounded. Standing firm. Staying. Burning. Transforming. Evolving. Growing.
And falling. Failing. Second guessing. Full of doubt, worry, regret and what if. What did I do wrong? What did I do to warrant this? What could I have done differently? And what can I do differently next time so I never have to feel this way again?
Ah, this desire to know.
Ah, this desire to control.
This desire to not feel, because the feeling is so real it hurts. It hurts.
This hurt that has been stuffed away, crammed away comes on, it begins swelling and expanding and before I know I am flooded, swept away, carried off, gasping for air, gagging on the water that is pouring in from my mouth gaped open in surprise. Caught off guard, feet swept out from underneath me, flailing looking around to grab a hold of anything, anything to make meaning and sense in this world of perceived chaos.
I have been here before. In my mind and in real time. Caught in a whirlpool, carried off by a strong current, headed right for the rock gaining speed knowing I am about to be slammed into it at full force, blowing my whistle and scanning the banks, wanting anything, anything to stop this from happening. But, there is no stopping. There was no stopping.
I see how I wanted to run, to escape, to get in my car and drive off.
The hurt unbearable to feel.
The desire to say, “burn all the cards, erase all traces, all memories.”
This is deep, deep hurt and pain.
But I didn’t run. I didn’t get in my car and drive off. I stayed in the current and allowed it to take me. I stayed.
I stayed.
I allowed the feeling to come flooding in. I worked hard to stay present. I fought back the tears that were pulsing in my stomach wanting to rise and come out as a scream.
I didn’t say, ‘throw my cards away,’ for that would be trying to control. They are no longer mine. My words have been shared, words that are real. That really meant something. Words that were true.
This feeling of being discarded is so strong.
Please, please allow me to heal this.
So much gets stirred up when trauma is present. Words are shared and they are not what is heard. No. The mind does not register these words. This is the power of hurt. Of trauma. How it is stored in the body. It clouds the truth, it veils the moment, causing an illusion and stories are made up, moments that are not true try to get lodged into mind, in the body. The shields go up but rather than protect, they project. This is how I can be in three places at once, while at the same time not being anywhere at all- totally detached, removed, separated. I make up stories based on these fears, this past hurt, this pain. Fear of abandonment, separation and isolation. Fear that is real because these things have happened, my body has a memory of them. My body starts calling the shots, it wants to run, hide, do anything to get away to avoid the feelings and flooding of the stories and emotions that come in, that have been churned up. I am no longer settled, I am on edge and thoughts are entering a rapid speed- I am not worth it, not worth the fight, not worth the energy, commitment or dedication. These stories come from the inner depths, so deep I forgot they were there. I thought I addressed them, dealt with them, faced them. What I did was stuff them away, ignore them, shun them. I turned my head because they were too much.
Yet here they are. Cloaked. I am disoriented. I have time traveled, been in three places at once and yet no where at the same time. Disillusioned, caught off guard, wondering what just happened.
This used to happen slowly. It would take me days to move through this process. Now, I know, because it just happened again, this time travel, it was happening in real time. In. Real. Time.
And here we are. Face to face. Feeling. Seeing. Noticing. Sitting.
No. I did not run away. That is how I know I can time travel and be in three places at once. In the past. In the present. In the future. All. At. The. Same. Time.
The stories that I deserve this. That I did not do, that I am lazy, that I am not productive, that I am not worth investing time and energy. That I am not focused and driven. That I am not…. NOT. NOT. Everything that I am not.
And, what I saw in the moment is everything that I am. Everything that I AM.
Love. Expansive love. Love that opens up wounds. Love that makes me feel. Love that is so fierce and strong you want to push it away. Love that is so bright and all encompassing that you want to turn away from it. Compassion that holds tight. Forgiveness that comes through a gaze and an embrace. Grace that is said without any words. Acceptance for all that is in the moment. Perfect. As it is meant to be.
Yes. See. Do you see? I see. I see how these experiences, these moments, this time travel is enabling, allowing me to see what has been here. The truth of who I am, now fully exposed alongside this hurt in real time. Both lingering under the surface. Left over old ways of being, living, viewing myself, seeing myself. Believing that this was myself. Old, forgotten ways of being, of knowing, the inner wisdom and truth of who I am together. In tandem, showing up at the same time.
Seeing. Seeing clearly the story I told myself, that I had to put up shields and protectors, to hide, to remove myself, remain distant, closed off because that was what is the best for me. To hide myself from others because I am too much for them to see, feel, be around. Because showing myself, my whole self to others is too much. Which, I really do not know if this is true or not. But it is true to me, this is a story that I have told myself, one that I have picked up and worn dutifully, in loyalty.
Because I did not want to feel this. This which I am feeling. Why would I want to feel this?
In this, hidden in this, is this knowing- that I am bright, that I am light. That I am love. Its only that I allowed this knowing to be forgotten, dimmed, the volume to be turned down low or worse, to turn to a different frequency all together. This truth has always been here. And I am seeing it. I saw in in real time, when I was able to time travel and be in three places at the same time while simultaneously being no where. And I can see it now. In fact, I feel it. I know it. I have embodied it.
I was able to see myself. My whole self. For a glimpse. The truth of who I am in that moment. That moment when I wanted to run and hide, to shield and not feel. I felt my grace. I felt my love. I knew. I knew. I knew.
When I pretend I do not know, when I override and tell myself stories, when I hide away from myself, when I shield myself from myself, when I allow myself to only be fractions and fragments of myself then I cannot see my whole self. And when I do not see my whole self, when I only see part of me, then I see myself only as broken. Only in the parts. When I cannot see the whole of me, the truth of who I am, then I cannot heal. Because I did not see, believe that I was whole to begin with, I saw myself only as parts and I did not see how they all came together. I did not see how they were one. I did not know that I needed to be whole to be me. Not fractions or fragments or pieces of me.
But now I know. I know so much so that I am writing this here, to share this with myself and with you.
I am whole. I have always been whole. I have never been broken or torn apart and needed to be put back together. Sewn and stitched up. No. I was never broken to begin with.
I have found that I have to face myself to heal. All of me. Not parts of me that are easier to face, sit with, deal with or listen to. All of me. This wholeness. All aspects of me. For I am not broken. I have never been broken. I have only thought this to be true. Thought I was broken and needed to be fixed, that I needed to change. No. What I need to do is to see all of me. What was required of me was to see me, the me I am, the me I have always been. What I was being asked, what I have been called to do is to see myself fully. ALL OF ME. All of me that wants to be seen. I am being called to see myself fully, allowing myself to be seen fully, ALL OF ME, not the some of me that is convenient, safe and contained.
ALL OF ME.
I have to face myself to feel.
I have to know myself fully to heal.
To face myself FULLY I must know myself Fully!
And to know myself fully is really, really hard. It has been really, really hard, because I have gotten really good, masterful at hiding. At pretending. Masterful in shielding and hiding pieces and parts of me away. On focusing on others rather than turning towards myself or rather making it about others, rather than about myself.
And for those of you who read these pieces, and for myself who needs to read these words, I know that it is all about me. Not in a selfish way. No. It is about me because I am the only one who is living my life. My life is me. My life is a collection of choices and beliefs about how I view me, how I see myself and these deeply rooted, deeply grooved, well-trodden paths of lack. These familiar routes of lack of self-worth, worthiness, of self-doubt and self-inflicted pain are mine. Mine alone. I walk these paths, I alone have traversed these paths and getting myself on to a new one, to forge a new one right now, in this moment feels like a lot of fucking work.
I have been here before. Not this particular here, rather a variation of here. Sometimes when I arrive here I am full of gratitude and fortitude, strength and endurance. With the stance, let’s go. Earlier in the year I recall writing, “If this is the fierce love you have for me, let’s go.” And now, I am really depleted. Asking myself, enough already. When, pleading, when will this end. How am I to endure this?
This is a very inward time. I know this. I have been pulled inwards, I was yanked inwards on December 1st and every time I feel I can come up for a breath, I get sucked back in.
Sucked back in by what you might ask? Sucked in by my mind. It is so powerful. It is so strong. And when I have the strength to face it and challenge it, when I have the strength to confront it, I do. When I have the strength. And recently, meaning these past however many years, it’s like, come on already. When? When is enough, enough? When is it enough? When, and here it is –
When will I love myself enough?
When will I stop looking outside of myself for this?
When will I be at ease with me?
When will I stop inflicting these wounds and weapons into my being?
Aimee Mann’s Wise Up, has been playing in my mind and on my speaker for days now.
And today, when I was writing the lyrics in my journal I wrote:
It’s not going to stop
Til you rise up
…. Interesting that I wrote rise up rather than wise up.
Wise up
Rise up to the truth
To the truth of who I am
To the truth of what I am
This, as Jeanette offered in a text that greeted me this morning, is the real known. The wise one.
And I smile, isn’t this the journey. Isn’t this the work I have been called forth to do, to share? This journey of listening to my inner wisdom, this inner knowing.
Living in this Inner Wisdom. This wisdom of who I am. The truth of who I am?
Yep, this is the work. I am reminded of a video I made a while back that speaks to this, I take these dives, these deep dives inwards so I can experience it. The pain, the hurt, the bliss, the joy, the suffering, the grief, the loss, the gratitude, the immense delight… to access this grace. This grace of who I am, this grace for all that is.
This is why I am here. Still here. Fighting this fight, this battle in my mind. This battle of my mind. My arms are tired of carrying the burdens, of holding the weapons. My body is tired of using its energy in this way, fighting, battling, resisting. I am exhausted.
And from this, I know, I know, I know from experience that I will rise. I will continue rise up. Taller. Stronger. Standing tall. Rooted deeper, reaching up. So I can lend a hand and offer my arms in an embrace to others, for others who are fighting this fight.
This hurt. This hurt that hurts so much. This deep pain, the one you feel you can no longer endure; it is here as a reminder. A reminder because we forgot. The call has gotten so loud, so loud you can not ignore it. That pain, that pain is the call. The call of yourself who has forgotten. It is the call to remember.
We are not alone.
We are never alone.
We are always held.
Allow yourself to be held. Lay down your weapons and shields, your pain and hurt. The stories of self doubt and lack of worth. Lay them down. Here. Now.
And allow yourself to be held.
Held in the arms of love.
Of love itself.
Trust, trust that what is unfolding is allowing yourself to see with clarity and wholeness. Trust that which is arising, is arising for you to see. To see yourself. FULLY. For the truth of who you are.
And when you do, you will remember. You will soften in and remember, reminding yourself, holding yourself with grace, compassion and love, hearing the whisper of your heart, it is only that you forgot. And in the forgetting, there is the possibly of knowing. Which is why this has unfolded in the way it has, because BeLoved, you have forgotten and it was time to remember.
It is time to remember,
S
*this has been an interesting piece to write. I began it yesterday and then this morning got up to write again. As I was writing, clarity came. The message of wholeness came. I am whole. This piece is a true gift, a gift written through me, now. It came when I was rereading the piece, making changes to it so it flowed. And maybe it doesn’t flow now, because what came, came when I was reading and I started typing, because that is what you do in a flow state. The words come and you open up, wider and wider allowing them, accepting them, welcoming their wisdom, grace and love.
I celebrated this piece by putting on a new necklace. A necklace that was accompanied by this quote:
“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her,
still she sings away, knowing she has wings.”
Victor Hugo
Then, I played a song that is intimate to me, I held my hands near to my heart and began to move, slowly, slowly feeling how love wanted to move through me, as me. My arms opened up, became wings and I flew, I flew to incredible heights. I invite you to dance, dance with yourself in celebration that you are here. Now. And that a love is loving you. That love is YOU!
