Patterns Are Being Revealed

I am going to write to process. To attempt to make sense or at the least leave traces of what has been unfolding for me.

I have not, until now, used what I have written on Instagram here. I have kept this and that space separate. Which is silly, since it is all the same. And, the words I was able to locate to write that piece speak to where I am. To where I was.

Here is the entry:

It’s dawn breaking and we made it.

I’ve experienced pulls before, pulls that feel like yanks and drags. Pulls that are suffocating and all encompassing. These recent bouts have me being introduced to so many different qualities and aspects of love. I see how I am being called to experience, know and embody these ways I didn’t even know existed.

My heart space has been ripped, torn, and clawed open and just when I think I can’t take anymore, it stretches, expanding me open wider and wider.

All I am being asked to do, is to be present in the moment, noticing what is arising and choosing in the moment. The work is to catch the tendency of the mind in the moment. That’s it. That’s all we need to focus on, everything else is taken care of.

Strength is the will to endure. And this love, the love that is being shown to me is free. It is not attached, not owned by anyone. It does not stick and stay. No, it is not static. It is dynamic and it moves freely, in the way it wants to move, when it wants to move.

It burns away all that is holding you back if you are ready and allowing of letting go. And forces you, this fierce love backed by fervor forces you to see yourself FULLY! All aspects of yourself. All the stuff you thought you dealt with, that was actually stuffed and crammed away rises up. Here. Now. Face to face. And then you see, you truly see that it is loving rising up in you. It is love that rises you up. You don’t have to go looking for it or searching for it anywhere outside of yourself.

You thought your last breath was going to be taken away. The one you were clinging on to because you felt you did not have the strength to endure. And instead, love rises up and it breathes you, giving you a new life. You find yourself at a beginning rather than the end.

Realizing that when you allow yourself to sit in the fire, to feel all the feels and face yourself fully, it all becomes clear. Clarity comes, the dawn begins to break and love rises up.

The light always comes. It is always revealed. It’s been here all along.

With a hug,

S

This month of December has been… I was searching for a word and then auto correct came in and offered ‘decay.’ Yes, this month of December has been full of decay. Breaking down. This has been the most challenging, darkest month I have lived in a long, long while. I was scared to say this at first. Scared to speak the words out loud, to admit to myself, to acknowledge the truth of where I am, where I find myself. And the words came, they came as I left an audio message for a beloved friend. “I have been in a place, probably one of the darkest places I have been in a really long time,” I say as the tears fall from my eyes and my throat shakes, hearing a wavering in my voice. “I can’t get through moments without crying, I don’t fully know what is going on, but what I do know is that it is best for me to be around people rather than be alone. So, whenever I have an opportunity to be around people, I am choosing it, so that I am not alone.”

This was a big moment. I thought that I wanted to be alone. That being alone would help me. That silence and quiet and stillness would be supportive. What I found was when I was alone, my mind really ramped up and took me to so many far off places, making up so many stories. Bringing me to wonderings and self doubt, questioning everything. EVERYTHING. Nothing felt stable. Nothing felt real. Everything felt like an illusion. I struggled to access what was really happening and what my mind was making up. Struggling to access truth in this reality of life that I am living.

This is what happens with trauma, my body has a memory and the memory of what has happened in the past comes in and takes over. It has a sweeping, all encompassing motion. It is disruptive, up turning, churning and stirring, pulling everything in to it leaving me confused and disillusioned, second guessing and replaying everything- every moment, every detail that I could recall trying to make sense, to understand what was happening and why.

I’ve been struggling to make sense of why this is happening. Why me? Why now? Why do I have to keep going? Where I am to find the strength to continue to endure? When is this going to let up? When am I going to get a break? I want it all to stop, to end, when will that happen? Not life itself, but living like this. I cannot continue living like this.

What is living like this you might ask?

I should clarify. It’s not that I don’t want to live. It’s that I am tired of living. Tired of this. Exhausted living this way. Being let down, caring, crying. It hurts. I fall asleep crying. I wake up to tears falling from my eyes. I am crying in my sleep.

I see how I can be holding myself back and how I could be doing this to myself. I see how I second guess myself. Asking myself if I am making things worse? What am I doing to contribute to this? What role am I playing in this?

Do I need medication? Who can I turn to, to talk about this?

I feel I cannot have wants. For wants equal let downs. Wants equal disappointments.  Wants are expectations. I know there are differences between needs and wants… And I know let downs and disappointments intimately. I have a far greater relationship with let downs and disappointments than I’d like. It is debilitating and discouraging.

Which leads me to what is the difference between visualization, manifesting, calling in and expectations?  So, what happens to all of the visions, all of the things that you have called in? This is what confuses me. Seeing, manifesting, visualizing and then POOF. Gone. Literally! No joke. (Side note- I began typing this and went to save a draft. Word would not allow it. So, I had to copy and paste in in Squarespace as a draft, close all of the open programs to shut down the computer. When it turned on, the picture I had of a coastline in Maui was gone. Literally gone. Poof. Gone. Just like that!)

This debilitation and discouragement feels heavy. There is a deep heaviness here.

 I cry out of nowhere. Emotion wells up and I cannot even hold it back anymore, there is so much emotion it wants to move. I am tired of crying. Of crying myself to sleep, crying out of nowhere. I am tired of crying while acknowledging that there is a tear, like a rip, a crack which allows energy and emotion in the form of tears to move, swell, release and flow.

Life feels too much. Too complicated. Too cluttered. Too full. I want to empty it all. I want to forget.

Yes, this is what I have been experiencing this month. It has been the hardest, most challenging, difficult time in a long, long, long while. Long while. It is debilitating and all encompassing. And I know what to do, cognitively I know what is best for me- get outside, move my body, get a good sleep, eat well, care for my body, drink water, practice, breathe. My breath has been shallow and labored. I have struggled to breathe and have had pressure in my head. I have experienced no appetite, nausea, weakness, a deep heaviness, lethargy, little motivation and a lot of confusion. A lot of confusion.

A piece of me realized that I am experiencing all of this now, so that I can write about it in real time. I can write and share what I am experiencing in real time. This back and forth. This confusion of the mind, amplified. Volume turned up, expanded, expanding wanting to take over and for the most part it is successful. I am exhausted by the amount of work and energy is required to catch my mind, to get it to stop running, and going over and over and over again. It takes so much work to hold it all together.

My dreams are revealing messages of rest, to not take tests. I got a note to pass on taking the test and take a train to watch out the windows or watch a movie instead. I am being offered suggestions and guidance to release the firing of the mind, the relentless stories of the mind, the pull, tug, back and forth. To stop the comparison and competition. The doubt and questioning. The wondering and reliving. Going back and analyzing, looking searching for clues that I missed. Clues that signaled this, which is upon me know was coming. Clues to help me avoid what I am feeling.

As if that is possible. To avoid. To evade. There is no escape.

I document my life. I leave traces. Traces in journals. Traces in audio recordings. Traces in texts I share with friends. Traces in pictures of what I am doing, reading, seeing and encountering. So a quick scan of my pictures over the last month brought me to a page in Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul. I read this, now, a month later and it struck me. Something about this page, a quote on this page made me take a picture of it, (on November 20th) as if I knew what was coming ahead, as if I knew what I was about to face. This is the entry to the chapter, “Letting go of false solidity.”

“The inside of one’s psyche is a very complex, sophisticated place. It is full of conflicting forces that are constantly changing due to both internal and extermal stimuli. This results in wide variations of needs, fears and desires over relatively short periods of time. Because of this, very few people have the clarity to understand what’s going on in there. There just too much happening at once to follow the cause and effect relationship between all of our different thoughts, emotions and energy levels. As a result, we find ourselves struggling just to hold it all together. But everything keeps on changing- moods, desires, likes, dislikes, enthusiasm, lethargy. It's a full-time task just to maintain the discipline necessary to create even the semblance of control and order in there.

When you’re lost and struggling with all these psychological and energic changes, you are suffering. While it may not seem to you that you’re suffering, compared to what it can be, you are suffering. In truth, the very responsibility of having to hold it all together itself is a form of suffering. You notice this most when things start to fall apart outside. Your psyche goes into turmoil, and you have to struggle to hold your inner world together. But what exactly are you trying to hold on to? The only things in there are your thoughts, emotions and movements of energy…”

I know the power of my practice. I know the power of the work. I know I am capable of doing it.  I know that my practice on my mat and my cushion has not been strong or consistent for over a year now. It’s not that I don’t practice, it’s that I am noticing in comparison to the past, what I have done and what I am doing now. I also know that I’m consistently showing up for myself, off the cushion, off of my mat. And it feels like a lot.

It's like I fell from grace. And I want to get back in.

I’m noticing this tendency. To ask myself what I can do to get back into good graces. Thinking about what I did to fall out and what I can do to reestablish myself.

Yet, I did not fall from grace, I fell into grace. I fell into an opportunity to learn and grow and evolve and shift and drop away the stuff that no longer serves even though it fucking sucks, or at least I think it does.

And while I fell, I did not fail.

And while this feels like it is a lot, maybe it is the lottery…

What I am realizing is that a shit ton, and let me tell you it feels just like this, I am realizing and seeing, that a shit ton of patterns are being revealed. So many patterns are being revealed.

I see my tendency to vacillate back and forth, to make folks out to be villains, victims and heroes all those roles within minutes. I have to root myself in what actually happened which is really tricky because when my mind goes into to trauma, self protection mode it is not accurately receiving information. It is pulling experiences from the past and projecting them on the present, clouding the view of what is really happening and unfolding in the moment.

To make matters worse, I hold onto words that are spoken. I hold them at truth. I keep them close as real, potential possibilities. Words are shared and words have meaning. And when there is not clear communication, when things are vague then there is a haziness there and this causes uncertainty and doubt for me. Words also create a vibration, there are unspoken meaning and energy connected to words that are spoken, unspoken and words that are thought.  I see how I have an attachment to words, I hang on to them. I carry them as truth. Sometimes in a really rigid, narrowing way. So when words are shared that do not feel or seem like they are in alignment with where I am or how I am perceiving then I get really thrown off. All the while, simultaneously I grasp, get, understand that things change. Shift. And that nothing stays the same. This is a big one.

Oh, this nothing stays the same thread is HUGE and it has been showing up for a long, long time. So many of the pieces I write to make sense, to leave traces hint to this, this dismantling, this separation, this seemingly end. From relationships, to a home, to material belongings, to ones I love. And I have no control. None. I have no control over any of it. Stuff is given and stuff is taken away. Offered and receded. Nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent. While I have no choice in how this is showing up for me, I am noticing that is it ramping up and really being shown to me. Which is bittersweet, this pain and gratitude at the same time. Inviting me to see, inviting me to enjoy the moment, the present moment for that is all we have. Everything else is fleeting. Gone. In the past. No longer accessible.

I have come face to face with the notion that I do not like being seen as needy. This is such a deep rooted fear, this fear of being wrongly labeled or identified as being needy stops me from speaking up and make my needs known. This is something I rarely do. For when I do, I question myself-Am I too demanding? Am I being too needy? Why do I ask for more when so much is already here, when all of this is provided for me? When I am asked, what do you want? I share, I do not need anything. Which is all tangled up in the manifestation, visualization, calling in stuff. This an asking for what I need is really, deep rooted.

This being seen as needy fear, is closely connect to putting others as a priority over me. I have a tendency to drop my needs to adapt, to conform, to fit in with whoever is around or whatever relationship I am in. I know that I put my own needs aside, so I can be seen as flexible and easy going rather than demanding or needy.

Which is connected to speaking up and using my voice. I found a post it of an line that I wrote in my journal, it stopped me cold. It says:

Holding back the words and the knowing out of fear of what will happen if…

for I know what has happened when.

It is a bit of a tangle to sit with this, the spoken word. The power of the word, speaking up, making myself known, sharing myself, being open and vulnerable. Knowing that what I say and share can be used against me. My weak spots known, my vulnerabilities out there. And there is also the fear of being seen as too much, knowing too much, sharing too much, asking for too much.  This is coming into light; it is being illuminated little by little. That is why I say it is a tangle, it’s a bramble, a big mixture of so many patterns knotted together that it seems like one big ball, but there are many threads and vines here. So many they are constricting and restricting me to see.

There are some things that I see, there are some things that are known to me, that I know are going to happen or come. I sense it. I feel it. Sometimes I see it. And this also is crazy making because I do not trust myself. Sometimes, I override what I know, not wanting it to be true or pretending that I did not see or do not know. This is a self-protection mechanism, a mode of self-protection. To maintain status quo, for things to stay the same, to preserve the self and its identity that it has wrapped itself up in, around in a protective blanket, a safety net. To not feel the feels that make me feel out of control. To not feel the feels that make me feel uncomfortable. To not feel the feels that make me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, hide or run away.

And when I am not in control, when I cannot control, when things catch me off guard and I am blindsided, I find myself return to previous events, moments, and reply them over and over and over again in my mind. Asking, what did I do wrong? What did I say that caused this shift, made this switch, caused this to happen? What could I have done different to avoid this? What could I have done different to not feel this, to prevent this from happening?

In noticing my grips, I see that I can go looking for whatever it is I want to confirm and I will stop at nothing to find clues or access points to verify the story I have made up in my mind. When the mind has no answers and so many questions it works to fill in the gaps, to make sense. The mind does whatever it can to make sense, to make meaning. Which is really a self protection mechanism to learn for next time, learn so I can notice the clues and warning signs, so I can be prepared and not have to feel this, any of this, so I can avoid.

Which is really a tendency of fear. Fear wants to control, because the story I tell myself, is that  when I am in control and carefully plan everything out, then I cannot be surprised. And when I am in control and know everything, when everything goes according to plan or stays the same, I cannot be let down. I cannot be disappointed. And I really do not like the feeling of being let down and disappointed.

When I am in control, I don’t have to feel any of this, which I am feeling. And since I know this so well, since I have been here so many times before, I want to avoid coming here, to this place, to feel this. Which leads to a cycle of turning inwards, shying away and avoiding to protect, to shield, to block off.

And when I get here, I lose my sense of self, because my view of myself has been dependent on someone else’s view of me and when I shut folks out after letting them in and hold them away at a distance or when they discard me and tell me that I am not important or worth it, not worth the investment, energy, time or the fight then I lose my sense of footing, my grounding, my anchor and root. I have no idea where I stand and this is when I go looking outward and on and on the cycle continues, again and again and again.

And at the root of it all is my worthiness.

I see all of these patterns now. I see how they are connected, their connections to one another. How they weave over and under, wrap around, twist and grab. These patterns and their power to drive my tendencies are known now. Revealed.

This revelation has not at all been easy. As I shared, this month has been a month, one for the books (actually journals) and I see how I am being asked to let go, to loosen my grip and become aware of my attachments. It has not been easy by any stretch. It has been hard. Really hard. Very hard. This month has been full of some of the hardest work I have been asked to do yet. Yet, is the key word here because I know it is not over and anything can ramp up, show up and make me come face to face with it. I have the past six years documented that share this in detail. *see the footnote for more on this.

I have gone to a couple of depths and I am also here. There is a piece of me that feels like I am crazy, because at times I really do not know what is real and what is not. I see how I get all worked up. I have been saying FUCK a lot and I have also been saying FUCK YEAH, because this is here and while it feels like a lot, it also feels like the lottery. And I can’t even take credit for that because, that too, was a gift from auto correct. I went to type, ‘lot’ and ‘lottery’ came in. It does feel like a lottery and it does feel like a lot. I learned a long time ago to hold multiple truths at the same time. Not multiple lies, lies remain lies, they are never the truth even when they feel they are.

My mind has been racing and racing and racing and I have pulled out all of my techniques to stop it, to master it, to shift it, to gain control and none of the techniques have been able to take hold. Which I am not surprised about, because I also don’t have the energy. Which I also know is an excuse and I am being kind and patient with myself because I know this will not last and I will move through this, when, I do not know, but I know that I will. And when I do, I will have the energy and focus and attention and right now I am accepting that I do not. I am working to be okay with this. My dreams have also been showing me laundry- laundry being dropped in front of me, which is not mine. Doing laundry and seeing that the cycle is complete and the laundry basket is out for me to take the stuff out of the dryer…

There are times when I do not know what is real and what isn’t. My mind makes up so many stories and my body believes them. When stuff is not resolved it shows up, the memory of the body and the cells take over, which is why I need folks to tell me, to be clear. Which is why I have worked up the courage, rooted in the notion that I have enough self love, to ask for what I need or to ask for clarity to end the state of confusion. No matter how scary it feels. I’d rather know the truth than wonder and make up stories, projecting my fears and illusions on my reality.

And I know, that once I ask one question, more and more and more come. I’ve been here before. I get an answer and then I have more questions that I want to ask. Because I want to know. I want to know. I have a desire to know. My mind is wired to know. To make sense. To make meaning…

And sometimes, we do not know. We just do not know and there are no answers. Sometimes there are answers and it still leaves you with the unsettled, uneasy feeling. Reminding me, that we can only see that which we are ready, open and able to see.

All of these things are showing me my patterns, my nature. My tendencies.

Within all of this, all of this that is going around, that is swirling around, this which I am standing in and looking at face to face, I am here. Showing me what is here, calling my attention to address and tend to, to look at and contemplate. To become aware of and catch these tendencies in the moment.

And I know I will have many more moments to put this learning, this awareness to work, because that is all we have, the present moment. And all that is being asked of us, is to step, with full awareness and act accordingly in the moment that is upon us. Everything else falls into place, because it is taken care of. Not in the way I want, plan or project. Rather in the way it is meant to be.

The awareness that I have of my desire to control to protect myself and stay safe, to avoid hurt, pain, hardship, uncomfortableness, disappointment is HUGE. What’s interesting is that I know I am not in control, yet I think I can or sometimes that I am. I have been here enough to know this, that my attempts to control do not work and are for naught, it is pointless and a waste of my energy and attention. I see this now. I really see this now. And while I am scared to let go of my attempts to control, to release this need for protection, I know that I am ready. I know that it is time. I am choosing to no longer resist this, this lesson, this offering that has been showing itself to me in various forms, through many people, circumstances and events. I am choosing to let go, to loosen my grip and fully step into this unknown.

And so it is.

With a hug,

S

*Footnote: It is with a heart full of gratitude that I write these words. I take total responsibility and ownership what I have said, how I have interpreted and projected all of the events that have unfolded during this month and how I have both reacted and responded. Because when I go back, when I think about HP, I am only met with love. The strength, the love, the healing, the rains, the washing away, the clear skies. We are all working out or through something. SOMETHING. Everyone is in their own place as how we receive and perceive is solely based on us and our consciousness state. For me, I see how trauma sets in and how karma is at play. For this has played out as it is meant to, for me to experience this, for me to feel this. Seven months ago, during a full moon fire ceremony, I set an intention to meet whatever is coming at me/us with grace and while I have no idea it would be this, this which has unfolded, I know that I have no words for what I have met within myself during our time together. This I know to be true and this is what has made it really hard to say good-bye, to separate.

I also know that karma is at play. Karma and the great love of Shani Dev, who is not playing. Shani Dev does not play, he does not have time to play. Rather he is relentless. Full of love yes,  and relentless, stopping at nothing, this merciless love of Shani Dev, or Saturn. There is way more to be shared about this relationship and the timing… that piece is already stirring and I am leaving space to be with what wants to come. I know this. Looking back from the lens of now, in the summer of 2017 when MAJOR shifts were stirring in my life, I was writing in journal 17. Now, in 2023, six years later I am writing in journal 103. That means, that in six years I have written 86 journals. 86 journals have been written. 86 journals are full of experiences and wisdom and pain and transformation and I know, I know that Shani Dev has been behind all of this. How do I know you may ask, I’m experiencing Sade Sati, also known as the seven and a half years of Shani Dev, or Saturn and that began six years ago. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I get wrapped up in life and forget that his gaze is upon me. Then, events like the ones this past month unfold and I am forced to put my attention on that which I am meant to see, the blindspots that are holding me back. These patterns, these patterns revealed here are no doubt, being show through the reflective, mirroring gaze of Shani Dev. Bowing my head to you Shani.