I Am My First Teacher — sara lynn lashbrook

I am my first teacher

These words have been with me before. I have sat with them, pondered them. And yesterday in a marathon conversation with a dear friend Corrine, she pointed out that I, am my own teacher.

I am my teacher.

This invitation stems from my ability with ease to look to others as teachers- people, events, moments, experiences and how I rarely give credit to myself. What arose when she offered the perspective of looking at myself as a teacher in similar to what I wrote in a pervious post- the one thing that is consistent, the common denominator is me. So, in this sense, yes. I am my own teacher.

I have outsourced my learning to so many others over the years. I have given so much respect and reverence to others for my learning. For being teachers, showing their way and other perspectives. I remember being in India on the morning of the ceremony to mark the final day of my 200 hr teacher training, when it occurred to me, dawned within me, that while I have deep reverence and respect for Anand Ji and Sattva Yoga Academy, I found respect and reverence within myself- for they offered, they presented and I was the one that did the work. I was the one that rose up. I was the one that practiced. I was the one that pondered. I was the one that received.

So yes, it is a partnership AND it is up to me.

Which has me smiling because years ago, maybe six years now, I saw a bumper sticker that said If it is to be, it is up to me. That quote, that very phrase is the first post I made on Instagram.

No one else can do it. If we want something, it is up to us. Our willpower, our drive, our commitment. Our steadfastness. Our dedication. Others can share, offer, present, tell, name and point out. It is up to us, to act, we have the choice to make if and when we want to see, do or follow through.

All too often we place blame on the other or something outside of ourselves. We tell ourselves and others this story to justify our actions. They made me do it. If she hadn’t….then I wouldn’t have….and when we are here in this place of blame, we are actually in a place of putting the responsibility on someone else, rather than ourselves.

We all have choices. We have choices on how we see, perceive. How we interact, how we engage. How we choose. We have choices. Not all of us are aware of this. Many of us, and I was one who felt this way for a long, long time, many of us have taken the stance that life does things to me and that I am a victim. That life itself was out to get me and that I was its opponent, that somehow, I got on the bad side of life and it was against me. When I was in this place, when I interacted from this place there was so much resistance, so much anger and angst. So much misused energy.

Slowly, slowly I moved toward gratitude. I practiced finding gratitude with small things in life. It was work. Work that required energy and thought. Sometimes the gratitude was that I woke up or that the sun was shining. Sometimes it was a small gesture that I noticed from someone or an action that supported me. With each recognition of gratitude, I began to break the pattern of feeling like life was out to get me, that life was bad and that I had to shield and protect myself from it and slowly, slowly over time I began to see that there were and are so many gifts. That life is full, abundantly full of gifts that she offers continuously, tirelessly, effortlessly. I choose to focus my attention and energy on what is here, what is offered, not what is lacking.

These steps. It is these steps that I have taken toward awareness that have opened up a whole new world to me. I have accessed a whole new world inside of me. And what I am seeing is that I can have gratitude for myself. I can be in gratitude with myself. My choices, my actions, my thoughts. I can be grateful for my very being. I can soften in and love myself. I can be conscious of my perspective, my thoughts and my words.

Recently, I have become increasingly aware of what is at the root of my thoughts and the perspectives that I hold. Through this gratitude of and for myself paired with my awareness, I am noticing who I give power to and when. And most often, I give my power over to others without even knowing I have done so. It is a subtle feeling in my body that alerts me, signals to me that something doesn’t feel right, that something is icky. That something is off. My body knows. My body knows and I am in tune enough know to recognize its signals and pay attention to them.

Once here, I can make a choice. I get to decide how I want to move forward, what step I want to take. Once I have the awareness, I am in control.

So, when Corrine pointed out to me last night that I was giving credit to someone outside of myself for being my teacher, I realized that then too, I was outsourcing my own power, strength and awareness to another. When in fact, it was myself that stood up and said, “No, I am not longer tolerating this, no longer agreeing to the way I am being treated.” It is similar to the invitation that Katrina, Amaya and Sophie offered me two years ago when they asked me If I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH.

Here, when I say myself, I mean my inner being that is connected to my nervous system and my body. The subtle system within that offers signals, that has always offered signals as I move in life. This inner knowing that has always been here and is grateful for my awareness, acknowledgement and participation.

Yes, this is the partnership.

Me and my inner knowing.

Me and life.

Walking hand and hand.

With a mutual gaze, a reciprocal gaze of love, respect, gratitude and reverence.

PS. I see now how folks, events, moments- they are all instruments through which my karma is being played out….