Invitations

What does it mean to be at home with yourself?

In the previous piece, I wrote about being at home within myself….

So what does it mean to me, to be at home with myself?

As always in life, or at least the way I look at it now, there are opportunities to grow, to learn and to see things in a new way.  In the past, I would resist anything that didn’t feel good, anything that would “throw me off” or “make me uncomfortable.” When I say resist, I mean I would fight. I would fight the feeling. I would battle it and do ANYTHING to not feel the way I was feeling. If you have read any of these pieces shared here or know me these things ranged from sleeping, eating, numbing, leaving, defending, justifying, explaining, shutting down- anything to stop the feeling from being felt. I would do anything to end the feeling.

What I did not know then, is that I was simply replacing the feeling with another feeling, another feeling that felt better in the moment. This replacement tactic was another shield, another layer that I added to barrier myself from the inner signals in my body, the signals that were alerting me that something was there, that something within me wanted my attention and instead of looking at it, I turned my head shunning and ignoring it.

Now, I face it. Full on face myself fully.  This has been a long journey, one that I am still on. Now though, rather than numb, hide, stuff or turn away I invite and welcome. It started with having the hard conversations with myself. Pulling up a chair and saying, what is here? What wants to be seen? What is under all of this? What is behind all of this? What is at the root of this? What is this attached to? What is this clinging to? I have shared excerpts of these conversations in audio and written form here in this space to offer and reveal the inner workings of my mind. In this process, I have revealed the stories that I tell myself, the stories that others have told of me, the stories that I have picked up and worn as comfortable garments even when they are not true. Through the process of facing myself, I have learned that even when the stories and perspctives that others have of me, do not match the version of me that I have of myself I still willingly took them on.

See, I only know this now. I did not know this then. I know now, that I willingly took on others projections of me and made them mine. I identified with them, I allowed them to define me. I allowed someone else’s story, someone else’s perspective of me to be the lenses through which I looked at myself. Until now.

Again, I say now, and what I mean is not that it is an end point, a stop, a destination- a “ah, I have made it.” No, this is a continuous process, one that is forever unfolding and being revealed. One that is always here, asking me to see and to pay attention. And to do that, I have found its best face it, turn my face towards whatever is occurring and being activated within me rather than turning away. Turn towards and sit - to stay with what is arising, rather than running from it, trying to evade or escape it.

And so, as life goes, there have been a few interactions of recent that have offered me opportunities to see. To me, these opportunities to see are invitations. Ones in which I invite myself to hold space, to notice, to observe without judgment, without putting on my shields or pulling out my protective habits. Instead, I allow myself to feel them fully. Fully. All of it, leaving nothing out. Let me tell you, there is so much here. So much to see. So many connections and woven patterns and stories all linked together. It is almost like a bramble of branches or bushes, twisted and tangled, like overgrowth that has not been tended to.

Yes, this is what I am faced with when I face myself. Stories, projections, feelings, ideas, lenses and perspectives. All which at some time were alive and real to me and may still be alive and real to others. In the poem Hear Me Roar, which flowed through me in February last year the opening lines speak to this:

I am this.

I am this baggage that I carry around

I am a sum of all of my parts

Complete

Whole

Inclusive

Not leaving anything out

For I am these experiences

That shape and mold me

How I see

Perceive

And understand this world

that I create

From these experiences

I am the sum of all of my parts

Every thought you have had of me is my truth, every perception you have had of me is me, is my truth

Yes, this is what makes me alive

This is how I am alive

This is how I stay alive

In the images of your mind

The perception you hold of me

This is how I breathe

this is what fuels my fire,

That which is the kindling

It is not mine, it is yours

It is not true to me yet it is true to you

And it is here in these two lines, where the most recent invitations have come from or maybe come through. Maybe these recent invitations are connected to this root ball of “It is not mine, it is yours. It is not true to me, yet it is true to you.”

See. What I have found, is that if I am not firmly rooted in myself, if I am not grounded in my very being or being me, of the isness that is me- then I am easy swayed and persuaded. If I am not comfortable and rooted in being me, all of this that makes me, me, then I easily absorb the perspective and projections of others. They infiltrate my being and then I start to feel something deep within, something icky. Something that I still cannot fully explain with words. Something that is here, a feeling, a sensation, a signal from the part of myself that knows myself and is alerting me “Sara, Sara, wake up and pay attention. Something is happening here. Tune in. Feel it. Stay with it. Something is going to be revealed, there is an invitation here for you to see and this invitation will eventually set yourself free from the binds and constricted notions and stories that you have been lugging around, the stuff that is weighing you down, the burden that you have willingly carried. Until now.”

Until Now.

For once something is seen, it cannot be unseen. It has been revealed. I can choose to ignore it, turn my head, pretend, talk my way out or around it, justify- I have so many strategies, too many to name. Except they no longer carry the strength, they no longer carry the power. The power resides in me being me. The me that I am meant to be. Not the me someone else wants me to be. Not the version of me someone else thinks I am. I am Me.

For who else is there to be?

I cannot be anyone else, I know this because I have tried. I have stepped into all of the versions that others want me to be. I have played the roles. I have worn the masks. And you know what, I am tired. I tired of trying to be someone that I am not, someone that you want me to be. An idea, a figment of your imagination, your dream. I am not a hero, I am not a villain. I am not out to get you. I am not causing problems. I am not making your life hard or bad, or causing you inconveniences. No. NO NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING.

I am simply being me.

I am simply being me.

I am simply being me.

All of the stories that you are attaching to me, the narrative that you tell of me are YOURS, they are not mine. They are your stories that you make up in your mind, to justify, explain, protect, defend, shield, ignore, run, hide, pretend…. All of it is your stuff. It is not mine.

But here is the thing that I am learning, here are the things that I am seeing, here are the things that are being revealed to me. My body gives me signals when something doesn’t feel right, when something feels icky and guess what? I pay attention to them now. I stop. I feel in. I tune in. I listen to the subtle messages that they are conveying. I pay attention to where they invite my awareness to goes towards. Not to think. No, the mind has a tendency to step in and make more stories. The mind has a tendency to want to make sense and to connect and to fill in the gaps.  The sensations in my body are signals to tune in. To stop. To get quiet.

Wisdom is offered here in this quiet space. This space of non-doing, not- thinking. This space of being. This space of feeling. This space of seeing.

And you know what I am noticing when I am in this space? When I allow myself to enter this space?

An invitation.

An invitation to see what wants to be seen.

Ann invitation to hear what wants to be heard.

An invitation to bring to light which has been hidden in the dark.

These invitations are opportunities for me to grow. To shed the old narrative, the old stories, patterns, roles and hats that have unwillingly put on, carried, lugged around as if they were mine.

It happened just the other day. I asked a question. I asked a simple question. And one of the receivers of the question answered with a whole story that they had made up in her mind about me. This person conjured up a whole story about me in their mind. And as we know, minds have a way of wanting to make sense of everything and its go to tatic is to fill in the gaps with what we already know, what we have already experienced. So, from this place of their own experiences, they had created a whole narrative of me in their mind and rather than hearing my question for what it was, or asking me to clarify, they heard my question through their projected lens of what they thought I was saying.

Here is the trick, and I find this happens a lot with folks- they do not even know they are doing it. They do not have a strong foundational relationship with themselves, they do not have an awareness of what is going in in their mind and they often respond from this place of projection, this place of assumption.

In the past, I would be baffled. I would walk away confused, blind sighted, asking myself, “what just happened?”

Now I know that we entered the context of the discussion from two different viewpoints. I was asking a simple question, a genuine question and how the other person receives my words is up to them. I cannot control how they perceive what I say, the stories that they make up in their mind about why I am asking the question or saying what I am saying.

I am simply being me.

And what I have noticed is that the feeling I have in the presence of another who has a perception or projection of me that is not how I see myself, is so uncomfortable that I begin to question myself, I begin to ask myself “am I making this up? how far off base am I here?” And then the unthinkable happens, so quick I have no idea it happens. I take on, I identify with their projection of me, the story that they had in their mind about me. I would disregard my own knowing and without choice follow them. Blindly agreeing to the stories that they have of me and make them mine.

Until now.

Because now, I see this. I notice this. I am aware of the sensations in my body. I am aware of the signals my body gives me to alert me when this is happening and I no longer feel like the rug is getting pulled out from underneath me, because I am rooted. I have a strong foundation with myself. I have a grounded relationship with myself.

I know who I am.

I am comfortable and at ease with myself.

I am comfortable and at ease being me.

And from where I am standing, I do not need to waver or change my position, my stance. I do not need to alter my relationship with myself, I do not need to view myself through the lens of someone else.

Their lens is no longer necessary. Their story is no longer needed. Their projection of me is no longer an option for me to pick up and wear.

Because I am comfortable being me.

I am at ease being me.

I am at home with myself.

And to whom else do I have to answer to, except myself.

Whose view of me is important and relevant?

Mine.

Only mine.

So, these recent interactions have been opportunities for me to be at ease with myself. To see what is here, what my tendencies are, what the sensations are communicating to me. Ah, yes, invitations abound.

My first entry in journal #93 was here, seated, held on this fallen tree trunk.

Here are a few excerpts from my journal, number 93, around these invitations:

*I am noticing how L signed her note to me, “Love, Me.” This is how I sign my cards to her…She sees me. She recognizes my love for her, my vast, wide and expansive love for her. And she chose to write me a note, it has been a long while since I have received a note from her. And this one, on this day! Signed Love, Me. Love Me is also an invitation to love myself- for who I am. Effortlessly being me- the invitation is for me to be with without effort, without the pull, the back and forth of the mind that grabs a hold of others view of me, their projection.  This is the friction, the rub- this is the icky unsettled, jittery feeling that shows up when I am losing grounding, footing, becoming uprooted by the presence, projection and power of another.

This is the signal my body gives me when I am teetering, wavering – allowing a debate between what is read and true and what is an illusion, a fabrication of the mind, egoic mind- old stories.

This is the invitation- to remain being me. Effortlessly being me- not picking up, taking on other views or projections of me- their made-up stories of me about my actions and choices- what they think I did or do not do.

*This notion of wanting to be understood and feeling misunderstood is strong. I know that I show up and my presence in certain places evokes, calls forth change. I stir things up, make them seen. This is my essence. I bring stuff to light, stuff folks want to ignore, hide or shy away from.

I do not like being misunderstood or having someone have a wrong view of me, a view that does not fit or is not aligned with the view I have of myself. In the past I would justify and explain to make myself clear. I would be concise with my words, trying to control so there could be no confusion (while I acknowledge how whatever I say is perceived by the receiver and the receiver’s receptive state and I cannot control that). And how I want to be silent, to not talk because it kind of feels pointless because you can only engage with people where they are, at their current conscious level. So, in a sense, it’s just not really worth it.

The invitation is, how do I continue to be myself, operate and function in this relative world with people who do not think like me.

The invitation is to not give my power away, to not allow their perception of me to become mine because it is not true.

*Effortlessly- like the sun shines, effortlessly it shines. It is doing what is does naturally. This is the invitation right now, for me to be me, without any effort, without any thought, without any back and forth debate of the mind.

Are you aware of times in your life when you are teetering? When you feel unsteady?

Are you aware of any subtle messages within your body?

Are you aware if you turn over your power or control to someone else?

Are you at home with yourself?

When are you at home with yourself?

Discovering the times and spaces in which you feel at ease and comfortable with yourself is a journey. One that, for me, is full of invitations. Invitations to see who I am and who I am not.

Only you can know this. No one else. This is an inside job, one that can feel very isolating and leave you feeling very much alone.

Know that you are not alone. You are not alone. Know this.

Sending you a hug,

Sara