The Crows — sara lynn lashbrook

I was in a writing class when I wrote the Intersection of Gentle Street. The piece came to me in response to a prompt about a life changing moment. As I shared the piece with my class, some of the feedback that I received was that it was like an academic paper and that the audience wanted to know what happened that lead me to arrive at the intersection of Gentle Street.

I sat with this. I sit with this. As I write, what I choose to write and share happens for a variety of reasons. To me, it is not as important to know what caused the learning to happen, as it is to share the learning or the insights gleaned. With this said, I know that sometimes it is helpful to read a first hand account of what a person has experienced or gone through. This helps me connect to the writer and it also helps me connect with myself. As I read the work of others, I often find comfort and solace knowing that I am not alone. That others experience moments in which they endure or are elated, and in this sharing, there is a connection of humanness. The natural nature of humans.

It is with this that I share a story that took place yesterday, in the scheme of my life. I share it in its raw and real form- full of emotions and feelings. Accessing the depths and heights of myself.

An opportunity arose, through connections, for me to visit a school in NYC. This school is looking for a naturalist teacher to support outside excursions into neighborhood parks and open spaces this Spring. I planned to take the train into the city from NJ.

As I pulled into the parking lot for commuters, I noticed it was full. It was a rainy day and so it wasn’t a surprise that many people drove to the train station rather than walking. Knowing that I need to find a parking spot, I drove to another lot. This is a lot in the town for town use, not for commuters and the sign at the entrance to the lot indicated this. The lot was for parking and there was a 3-hour limit. I easily found a spot and while I knew that I would be longer than three hours, I justified my parking there by telling myself that I would not be much longer than that.

I got out of the car and went to the trunk, where I knew I had a plastic bag. I had documentation in my bag. The documentation was larger than my bag, so it stuck out top. Since it was raining, I wanted to cover the top so it would not get wet as I walked. I got the bag, placed it on top of the exposed documentation and made my way to the train station. I noted my parking spot number, smiling when I saw it was 933. I have an app on my phone to pay for parking, so I pulled that up as I walked. Once I hit payment, a pop up message appeared saying that the payment could not go through. I tried again and again, the same message came.

This same thing happened a month ago when I went into the city. The message popped up and I learned that my bank account that the card associated with the parking app has access to had insufficient funds. I had not used the app since that time and thought that maybe something happened and that I needed to refresh the account. In the meantime, I saw a pay station where I could pay for the parking with cash or a debit card, which I had done last month. I began the process for paying at the station until I realized that that station is for a different zone, that particular pay station was for the commuter lot, not the public lot that I was parked in and there was no way to access a different zone at that pay station.

Acknowledging that time was passing, I decided to get my train ticket. Once I had that I made my way to the platform. I had a plan to work with the app to add another form of payment. There on the platform, I opened the app and navigated my way to the place where I could add another card. Since I thought something was wrong with the card from before, I decided to re- enter that information. Once I hit submit and attempted to pay the $1.80 for the 3 hours of parking, the same message popped up on the screen.

Now, I realized I did not have time to go downstairs, across the street and into the lot to the pay station for that zone. So, I told myself I would add another form of payment. This time however, when I selected the setting to add another form, my option was to use Google Pay, PayPal or Apple Wallet. I wanted to add another debit card, but that was not an option.

I rarely remember my passwords to anything, but I knew that I had a PayPal account. So, I went through the process of resetting my password- clicking on the forgot password link, getting the authentication number, entering it and changing my password. Once I took those steps, I realized that the card associated with my PayPal account is the same as the card on the parking app, but I try it anyway and I get the same pop up message. It became clear to me at that moment that my account is overdrawn. (Which, by the way, I made a point of checking my balance yesterday when I withdrew cash from the ATM, but what I forgot was that it is this time of the month when many of my bills are paid through bill pay so money was withdrawn between the time I checked my balance the day before and this attempt to pay for parking). I did not even check my bank account, because that is another password that I do not have memorized and did not have access to the written from while I was on the platform waiting for the train.

What I did do though, was attempt to reach out to the online chat support to share my story. That way, I reasoned, I could have written evidence that I attempted multiple ways to pay and what I wanted to do was to add another debit or credit card to my payment options, but on the app that was not possible. All of this I thought would be evidence of the steps I took to attempt to pay when I got a ticket for not paying for parking, which I thought was a possibility that could happen. The chat function of the app was not working. So I surrendered in, accepting. did what I could, save going across the street and potentially missing my train.

The train came and I boarded. I made my way to a window seat, sat down and realized that in the midst of leaving the car, I did not lock it. That my car, was left in a public lot, unlocked.

Usually when I leave the car, I lock it by touching the handle of the car and since I went into the trunk, I did not touch the driver’s side handle and at the time it did not occur to me to take my key out of my bag and press the lock button.

Now, grasping at the truth of what is, I realize I am on the train, headed to NYC for the next 3.5 – 4 hours and my car is unlock and parked in a public lot without payment. My mind began to race. It took off, going in any and every direction it could grasp. You are so irresponsible. How could you? You are so spacey. How did overdraw your bank account? Why are you not paying attention to your finances? I would never leave my car unlocked. You must have been distracted, in your mind, not paying attention.

Then my mind entered an even darker space- this is what you get. You were so happy this morning. You woke up, you wrote, you were feeling good and BAM, now this. Nothing lasts. You are not deserving of joy and happiness. Life is out to get you. Your stuff, all of the stuff in your car is going to be taken. It is going to be removed. You left the doors unlocked and that is an indication for your stuff to me taken and it is your punishment, just like what happened this Spring (which interestingly- it is occurring to me only now, that is what prompted me to write The Intersection of Gentle Street. My belongings that I had with me in Bristol, England were left in a unlocked car and when I returned to the car they were gone). Something similar happened last month and it is happening again- wanting to pay for parking, having an overdrawn account. Why do you not tend to the things that are important? History repeats itself don’t you know? Do you know what is in the car- all of your outdoor gear, your sleeping bag, your journal with notes from forest school… Hanuman and Vincent hanging from the rearview mirror. Good thing you took out your sneakers so you have those. What are you going to do when your car is stolen? Huh, what are you going to do then? You will have no car to transport you to and from work. You have no money to buy a new car. The only thing of value that you own, that has any resemblance of value or asset is this car and you do not even fully own it yet. And now, it is going to be taken. Just like your stuff in Bristol. Taken, removed, gone. All because you left it unlocked. This is the price you have to pay.

My mind took me to even deeper depths- I am not going to be able to continue. I am not going to be able to live, to face myself or others if my car is stolen. They are going to say you deserve it. You are so irresponsible. This is the punishment for you being you, spacey, airy, irresponsible you. I can’t even endure this, I don’t want to be here anymore. What I know is that I do not want to live through this, that which might happen, that which folks will say about me if my car is stolen.

Then it came. Loud and clear. STOP. Stop it right now. Stop this incessant chatter and the pulling of the mind. Stop it this instant. Harness yourself Sara, get your mind under control. Stop allowing it to go to all of these places.

So, I turned to my practice. I began chanting. I began chanting mantras to switch my vibration and energy state, to get out of my head and into the mantra. To allow that mantra to carry me, to shift me, to ground me. To bring me to the present moment. The only moment there was.

Looking out the rain streaked train window, at the dark, drab, muted colors of the Meadowlands, with trash and leftover vehicles from another time I chanted. I chanted. I chanted. I slowly brought myself back to center. I reigned myself in.

By the time the train pulled into Penn Station, I was somewhat calm. I told myself that I was on my way to a school, for a new Beginning and what was to be was to be. That the unlocked car is far away from here, from me and is out of my control. That I have to surrender to the moment, to drop all of the what ifs and the projected stories of my mind, the stories rooted in fear and scarcity and allow it to be what it is- beyond my control. I turned to what I could control and I what I know. I know that can control or at the very least attempt to control my mind and the state of my nervous system, which I wanted to be stable and open. Clear and present for this meeting that was about to take place.

I exited the train. I walked through Penn Station, through the turn style and up to the subway platform for the 1 and 2 train. As soon as I turned left the mosaics on the wall caught my eye and I was in awe. Cackling in awe and humbled at the same time.

Here is the recording I made at that moment:

I made it to the school. Had a lovely time with the director, we walked to the park, explored the space and the possibilities. I met a few teachers and saw spaces within the school.

I made my way to Union Square, took the #3 subway back to Penn Station and realized that had I taken the express train on the way downtown, I would have not seen the crows. In fact, I have been on that subway platform hundreds of times and I never noticed them. Never, until then.

Until the moment it was necessary for me to see them.

Crows. The vehicle of Shani Dev. Beloved Shani Dev.

As I waited for the platform to be announced, I listened on repeat to the 12 mantras of Surya Namaskar. I boarded the train and made it back to New Jersey. I choose a seat on the right side of the train. Aware that I would not be able to see the parking lot when the train pulled into the station. The train pulled into the station and I gave thanks to all of the beings who watched over my car while I was away asking only for my car to be there.

And it was. Unlocked, with everything inside and no ticket.

By the grace of Shani Dev and the ever watchful, loving gaze of the crows.

PS. As I look, really look and take in the images of the crow, the story they share in these pictures, my heart softens as I smile. It is beautiful.