Forgiveness - Accepting where you are, where you were and what brought you here

Earlier this summer, I saw someone whom I hadn’t seen over 15 years. We were walking back from dinner and he shared, “I am sorry I did not hear you.”

I replied, saying something similar to, “You were where you were at the time, and that is okay. That is where you were meant to be. I know this because I was where I was at the time and the only way we can have this conversation now, is based on where we both are now.”

Meaning, now, here, with these understandings, this knowledge, this awareness. We were not able of having the conversation we had this summer after dinner, back 15 years ago, for if we were capable of it then, it would have happened and we would have not allowed over 15 years to pass in between.

That is the thing with time, it allows us to see. To grow. To learn.

I see now and understand, that individuals are who they are. They act from the place where they are and it is how it is meant to be. For if it was to be different, it would be. In this seeing, I am accepting that all is how it is meant to be, even when I wished it would have been different.

We are each on our own path, navigating life with the tools we have in the moment. We can look back to that moment, with what we know now and wish it could have been different, wish the event played out differently. We can do this from our lens, now. We acted from where we were then and life took us in the direction it was meant to go based on that interaction.

How often do we look back and say, If only I had….things would be different. Maybe they would be. Rather than looking back and wishing, I accept. I accept that things are the way they are, because that is how they were meant to be, are meant to be. Even if it was not how it was meant to be, it is how it was, it is how it is. Events unfold, situations happen and the way I choose to respond or react, how I acted and what I said, happened. I cannot go back, to that moment, the exact way it was with the players and the circumstances, with the knowledge and consciousness state that I had then. I can only do it now, and when I do, I look back with acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself, for my actions and words. I accept my choices and take responsibility for them.

Take this morning for example, I was reading a book and there was the word restrain. Reading the word brought me right back to a time when I was taught to restrain children, to hold them so that they could not move. Reading the word brought me right back to the cold, hard tiled wall in the stairway of a public school in New York City where I held a child. Where I restrained a child. At that moment I thought, I felt it was the right thing to do. Recalling that moment now, in this moment now, over 20 years later, my heart was heavy, I sighed and tears welled up in my eyes. I turned towards the mantra I have been chanting, I forgive myself, I forgive you, to shift my energy and bring me back into the moment. At the time, I thought that was the best and right course of action. I did. For if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have restrained the child. Was it necessary? Probably not. Is it ever really necessary to use force to control someone? I cannot recall what happened that prompted me, that lead me to deciding that restraining was the right choice. What I do know, is that I did.

I chose to accept and take responsibility rather than wish differently.

There are so many events in my life, where I can look back and say, What if? Sometimes I do do this. I find it is not helpful. This looking back undermines my path, my journey and how I got here. (Even now I want to delete the line- rather than wish differently. In my desire to delete the line, I see how I want to ignore, erase and take away that which has led me here. Why? Because it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me look bad. Folks can question me, judge me, not like me). The choices that I have made lead me here, now, to this moment. Which is why I am grateful for opportunities, like this morning, where I am reminded, shown of my actions and choices I made in the past. I acknowledge them. I accept them. I know that they have led me here.

This is part of healing. Healing aspects of ourselves that feel wrong or ashamed, guilty and bad. It is what it was and now I am here. The weight remains. How my choices, words and reactions impact those around me, now and before. This remains. I am aware of this.  And I cannot go back and do it differently. (Well, I can in my mind, in a mediation I can see it differently. I have done this, but as I said, I can not call back the players, those that were there, those circumstances, that time I can not bring them back.) I do not get to do a redo. No. I cannot. Rather the second chance is the one I give myself. The one I offer myself. The acknowledgement, the acceptance, the forgiveness.

This is what is means to heal the hurt, the guilt, the shame and the pain. The agony, the worry, the self-doubt, the stories that are told about me that I hear that I know are not true, yet I cannot do anything about it. This is what it means to heal. This is what it means to forgive.

This is what is means to accept. To accept one another for who they are and the choices that they make. For they are not their choices. They are not their actions. We are all on a journey called life and our purpose here is to learn. We are here to grow and to evolve as a being, as beings.

A huge part of this evolution for me is acceptance and forgiveness. And when I think it is about forgiving someone else, all I can do is trace it back to me. I forgive myself. I forgive you. There comes a moment when I am saying this over and over and over and there is no differentiating between myself and you and I. A moment arrives and I forgive you, is actually me forgiving myself.

What remains is forgiveness, which once I arrive there, I find only love.

Acceptance. Forgiveness. Love.

I accept you. I accept myself.

I forgive you. I forgive myself.

I love you. I love myself.

A great act of surrender.

With a hug,

Sara