Fly Away Home

I am learning to say no to what does not work for me.

It is okay to ask for what I want, it is the longing, the knowing that it is for me and I can get, allow myself to feel excited, to be excited.

I am meeting myself in this expansive space, no longer the narrow, closed off views of the expansion and abundance that is for me, my birthright, what I am coded for, what I am here for. That which is for me!

These are entries that I wrote in my journal yesterday. They come on the heels of anger, a lot of anger and resentment, driven from the notion that I no longer want, am okay with, will stand for or tolerate being placed in a box- I do not fit. NO LONGER and I am okay and comfortable with this, no longer needing anyone else’s approval.

This comes after a realization that I shape shift, contort and bend myself into complexities so others can be at ease. I am so accustomed to doing for others, for making moments and situations in their lives easier while making them harder and more challenging for me. And I have done this because I feel heartless and cold saying NO- like putting myself first is rude, insensitive. I feel I have to justify and explain my decision to say no. When really ‘no’ is a full sentence without any explanation needed nor necessary. No.

So much is swirling and unfurling and coming to the surface. It only feels like work because I am resisting it. I am resisting this shift, this invitation to drop what no longer works, this change. This transformation. I am resisting it because I am unsure of the unknown and I am clinging to what I think I know, what I have planned, what I am expecting.

Things and opportunities are being removed, taken away- at a quick pace. I had four “income generating events” lined up and in the space of two days, all of them were gone, no longer options or possibilities. That was sickening to sit with, the money that I had already relied on coming in, the income that I expected. UGH.

And at the same time, I am able to see the vast space that opened up in the short space of two days. Things removed and space opened up, a vast, fertile field of potential. Which of course, for those of you who read these pieces know, has me wondering- What is happening? What is coming? Am I ready? Prepared? UGH.

Never ending. Never. Ending.

Earlier this month in my yoga Nidra practice this message came from my heart center:

Welcome It.

So, you know what I did? The whole next day I wondered, Is this it? Is this what I am welcoming? Every detail, every encounter, every moment wondering- is this it?

Then, the following morning I woke with this:

Why do you try to make things so complicated?

And all I could do was laugh. It is so true. Why do I go and make things complicated? Why do I resist and hold on, determined that I know the way?

Then, not even a week later this happened. These are the words I shared in an audio recording and I transcribed them here:

At 9:09 tonight, October 6th, the bird necklace I tied on, I clasped I didn’t tie it on, my neck on December 19th came off. I was in the shower and I heard the words, “fly away home,” on my inner voice and I thought about my necklace but it didn’t occur to me that it would come off. I mean, I know eventually that it would come off, but I didn’t know when. So, I put lotion on my body, brushed my teeth and decided to comb my hair, rather than just letting it dry. As I went to comb my hair, I felt something down my chest, on to my breast and I looked down and it looked like a long strand of hair and I thought, that is so interesting. Then I looked and I realized it wasn’t that. It was actually the necklace was dangling. Not dangling, it had un, the red string that was tied to one end of the clasp, to one end of the clasp had come undone.

My, my, my. This necklace. I knew I had tied it on as a marker of time. Of a specific moment in time last December. But I could not actually place the intention or why. Fortunately for me, I leave traces and I was able to go back and locate the intention that I held when I tied on the string. I wrote about it at the end of piece called Time Travel Powers. Here is the excerpt about the necklace:

*this has been an interesting piece to write. I began it yesterday and then this morning got up to write again. As I was writing, clarity came. The message of wholeness came. I am whole.  This piece is a true gift, a gift written through me, now. It came when I was rereading the piece, making changes to it so it flowed. And maybe it doesn’t flow now, because what came, came when I was reading and I started typing, because that is what you do in a flow state. The words come and you open up, wider and wider allowing them, accepting them, welcoming their wisdom, grace and love.

I celebrated this piece by putting on a new necklace. A necklace that was accompanied by this quote:

“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her,

still she sings away, knowing she has wings.” Victor Hugo

This dropping, this undoing of the string around my neck leaves my neck open, not bound in anyway. Neck. Throat. Vishuddha Chakra. Voice….

The message,

I am whole.

So here we go, into new. The ending of one, the closure of one, the beginning and opening of another and this, I welcome.

Being me, whole and free,

Sara

*What I find fascinating is the timing of how the necklace came into my life. It was a gift, a gift that was accompanied by a bag that said, Live with No Regrets. It was given to me on my last day of being a teacher in a classroom setting, at the end of the year event. There is way too much to even attempt to convey or put into words here about that. Or maybe I am making it something of it, making it complicated, when really it is simple. Beautiful, Auspicious. This gift. It’s time. Then and now.