A Question That Changed My Life — sara lynn lashbrook

I was reading a prompt, #304 from Drew McGee in Sulieka Jaouad’s The Isolation Journals, which asks me, us, to think about a question that changed our lives.

Well that’s easy, I thought, immediately meeting this question in my mind, “What would happen if we were wholeheartly honest with one another?”

But as I laid in bed that night, I realized the question that was on my heart, the question my heart wants an answer to is,

“Why did you stay?”

And this question is one I will accept fully, allowing it to stay in my heart space, beating, pulsing, thundering with a roar meeting the energy that rises up from my belly.

Yes, this is the question,

“Why did I stay?”

This question comes from curiosity, not one of a victim stance.

See, I have come to realize that when I ask questions, when questions arise from the heart, they are here to teach, to guide, to lead me to a new understanding, a new awareness. And in this case, I am observing patterns and trends.

So much seems to be unfolding and at a rapid rate, it’s invigorating, exciting, activating as well as draining and exhausting. Releasing old stagnant emotions, ones that have been blocked and held from the light, takes work – work to allow it to come, to move, to be, to express and it this happens on its time, not mine- no matter how hard I try to make it accommodate to my schedule.

Ah, this notion of timing. Timing that we know here and now, from this location and vantage point. I am exploring a lot about timing and healing, linear time and circular time. The intersection of progression and growth with intention and attention. All nestled within the context of environment. Sometimes the environment is internal, like my physical body, other times it is external, like where my physical body is and resides.

The question of “Why did I stay?” or even now, “Why do I stay?” is one that captivates me. Stay. To be here. To remain. Stay, to not go. This has multiple values, it is not always negative or bad, as I often perceive it to be. Staying power is also the capacity to stay- to hold firm a commitment, to remain focused and attentive. I did not know this quality of staying until I began a deep spiritual practice and I don’t think consciously this quality of stay was within the context of my question when it arose. Or was it?

Maybe the question is why do to stay true to me, why do I stay true to my course, my path. How am I able to stay in this while all of the external stuff swirls around as attempts to steer me off course?

I think this is a component that wants to come to light and is being revealed as I hold space for myself to type and share. As my commitment to myself has deepened and strengthened, as my sense of self becomes clearer and my resolves stronger, I am meeting myself in new ways, in ways that surprise me while simultaneously have always been here.

Just yesterday, for example, I was writing an inscription in my book Living In Her Wisdom and it occurred to me that while we are all on a journey of self-discovery, mine has been focused on finding and using my voice which guides me towards accessing my power, my true power, my power within.

And while I have been focused on the power of the word, my voice, accessing my voice, using my voice I realize that it is all in service of a larger container- relationships.

This new AH HA moment came to me last week when I realized what was being activated in my 7th house, the house of relationships. Ah, so. Yes. Yes. Yes. Now I see. I see how I have a pattern of losing my self, losing my grounding, my rootedness, my sense of self, my clarity in some relationships- most of them have to do with power (which I have written about) and the other thread that Sallie is helping me see has to do with attachment- seeking and wanting bonds and connections.

And it is this, this thread of losing myself to others, getting absorbed in their stuff, allowing their emotions, feelings and reactions (perceived and real) that has driven me to write this piece. This and my uncanny ability to hustle for it, to shape shift, to deny, to adapt, conform, to do whatever at whatever expense, most often to myself to stay, to remain, to get something, something as little as a smile, a gaze, something that keeps me hooked on the feeling, to feel connected, needed, wanted…Yes, this is what this question is asking me to do, to explore this more, to see what is here.

Originally, the opening lines to this piece were the closing lines of “You Are Not The Boss of Me!” But something didn’t feel right, it felt like I was dumping or leaving a heavy load at the end, something that wasn’t complete or refined. So, I cut it. I cut it, added it as a start of a new piece and today, a week later I have returned, revisiting the question with the lens of now and all that has unfolded since the original rising up from my heart.

“Why did I stay?”

Why did I stay in relationships that cut me down, ones in which I felt silenced or that I had to fit in to a preexisting schedule, routine, life? I have volumes of first hand experiences, traces of my truth written in journals that chronical this journey revealing answers and concrete contexts. For some reason though, this question is coming up now and wants to be met in the now, with where I am in this moment, this slice of time, with this awareness and consciousness state.

This is the gift of the work with Sallie, this is what is being revealed through our work. When she first mentioned Anxious Attachment, I wanted to throw up. The two words standing alone mean so much and then paired together. What? No! I wanted nothing to do with them. But as I sat and allowed them to be absorbed, not resisting or denying, not wishing or wanting things to be different than they are or were, I began to accept that yes- this is a common thread, this desire for connection and bonding and relations- to be included, liked, wanted has been a driving force in my life. One that is so strong that it has clouded my own sense of self, access to my emotions and feelings, my independence and agency.

Can anyone relate?

I know I am not alone. See, this is what I experience. The heart asks a question and then the mind kicks in and tries to make sense, tries to understand this system of time, this passing of time, these choices within time in a logical, to itself, rational way- using all of the experiences that it has already experienced to pull on for explanation, justification and understanding. Ah yes, here it is in its familiar pattern to try to figure it out in a logistical, logical way. But the heart is saying trust, trust, you have been guided this far, why would we stop now? Reminding me, showing me to trust, to surrender, that the opportunities have always been available for me to trust and to be guided, this is how this is unfolding, this is how it is playing out for you. It is not meant to be another way, for if it was, then it would be.

This remembering, this shift, this moving down from the thinking quality of the head into the heart awareness came after a strong kriya and pranayama practice. While breathing and moving, chanting mantra and accessing silence, I came to realize (because I had forgotten) that things unfold in the way they are meant to be. Things have unfolded in the way they are meant to be. I am asking this question from the stance of now, from the place of now. Not then. It wasn’t even a question then, something in my field that I had pondered or maybe it was and I forgot.

The mind always wants to know, to figure things out. That is its tendency, that is what it knows, what it has been designed to do. I am working to move away from this patterned reactive stance, to notice what comes up, to be with it, to meet it, acknowledge it, greet it and then let it pass. This time that I am in is a great undoing, a great, great time of undoing, A clearing away of what once was to make room and space, open vast space for new. For the new that I do know fully know about or grasp, for the new visions that I have seen in my third eye, the new that I am meeting as I continue to grow.

What is relevant now, since now is the only moment I have, is that I did stay. I stayed because that was the choice I made in that moment, in those moments and I am reflecting and looking back, wondering why I stayed with the perspective of now. Isn’t that how it goes, how it flows? Growth and expansion, changes and shifts. Growing, shifting, changing until the time requires a something new, and in some cases, something totally new. And when it was time I left, I moved, I made a change. I always have, I always do. When the message is clear, I act. When it is not, I stay, remain. Not stagnant, not sitting idle. No. I am staying, gaining my strength and power. Staying committed to my growth and evolution. Staying, collecting, gathering until the time. Until the time comes when I meet the call, the message and then I act. Yes, yes, I am being reminded that I am always ready, always prepared for what comes my way.

There are many ways I can look at my questions. I can look at it from my head, trying to analyze and make sense, to shield and protect myself from allowing stuff like that to happen again. And I can also look at from my heart, accepting that it is what is was, and that all along I am growing and learning. Nothing stays the same and no two things happen in the same ways that they were. My question then, has answered itself. It was what it was. It is what it is. Now is now. Then was then.

And I am here now. Learning and growing. Shifting and changing.

Meeting myself in all the ways. Opening up to meet myself in all the ways.

I stayed because I did. That was required of me at that time. That was part of my learning, my path, my course. Part of the process that led me here. And if that did not happen, I would be somewhere else, somewhere other than here. I would be there, not here. And here is the only place I can be.

Here. Now. Being me.

Staying in myself. Staying true to me.

Yes, this is what it is. Staying me.

With a hug,
Sara