Why do I say yes when I want to say NO?

How do I place myself, willingly place myself in this tangle, this bramble, this sticky web of obligation, not being true to me, putting others first, not honoring my inner voice?

Just the other day I tried sharing the growth I made by thinking something through for over 24 hours before responding (read- justifying a recent decision), to my sister and she said, so you were looking for ways out and couldn’t find one so said yes.

Jab. Yes. Spot on. That is EXACTLY what I did. Everything in my body said no. No. Yet I said yes.

Why?

This is the question that is upon me today. I feel it in my chest, my clenched jaw, tightened fists. This anger. Resentment. Irritation. UGH

And it is important for me to understand, to get to the root, to locate what this behavior is anchored in, hooked on. What is here?

I then I began to smile, to soften when I read back to pieces that I wrote earlier this year, on January 16th and January 29th. Ah so. Yes. Everything in its time. Everything is right on time.

I see how I can have the awareness; it’s knowing quality can arise and then it takes me time in linear time for it become embedded, absorbed, embodied. Put into practice.

Why do I say YES when I want to say No?  Because I know what has happened when I have said no. It’s like I know what is coming. This is such a familiar pattern, that the outcome has become known. It’s like I know what is going to happen. As it happens each and every time, or at least way more often than not. I have felt the pain, the wrath, the exclusion, the torment, the silence, the projections that lay on the guilt, that say it is me that has caused this. Don’t I know the extent of what I am causing, the extra work for them?  How can I be so heartless? So cold?

Yet, I am not. I only feel this way because this is the well-worn path, the familiar way, the pattern that is engrained. The way it was. The way it had been. And the fear of this shunning, this exclusion, this negative view of me that others have, has deterred me from speaking up, taking action and doing for me.

When I do this, when I say yes when I want to say no, when I do not speak my truth or stand up for myself, I am taking away the opportunity for someone else to learn, to grow, to see a new way.  I am doing what is best for me and at times, that provides a window for others to see themselves in ways that they do not want to. I am not doing this intentionally. Not putting myself first to hurt or inconvenience or put off anyone other than me. I am simply doing what is being asked of me in the moment, in whatever capacity that is. It has nothing to do with anyone else, aside from the notion that the event or question spurred, provided this opportunity for me. For me to see. For me to grow. For me to meet the invitation of the moment. That’s it. Nothing more.

My go to pattern, way of being has been to shape shift, contort, bend and go to whatever pains are needed to make something work or be easier for someone else. I make my life harder and more complicated to provide ease and comfort for someone else. Until I really, really saw the pattern. Until clarity came.

I saw all of the ways that I try to get out, to make excuses, to come up with justifications as to why I can’t. Because, most often because I can, I am capable and able, it would just require shifting and juggling on my end to make it work. See it is the capable and able part that is the hook. Yes, I can make it work. What I have been asking myself though, is it is worth it? What is at stake? What does this require of me? Whose needs am I putting first? What is the driver behind my choice and decision?

Which is usually shame and guilt and under that, I meet fear.

Fear is a huge driver of decisions. If I am not aware, fear is the driver of my choices, of my life.

All the fears. All. The. Fears.

Mostly the stories of the mind that begin with What if? 

So I invite myself to sit with them, to face them, to engage with them. Welcoming them in from a place of inquiry and curiosity.  Like this one, which was presented to me by a dear friend Corinne, Why do I feel the need to say yes, when I want to say no?

The questions that stop me in my tracks, that take my breath away, that give me pause. The ones I can’t answer right away- these are my guides, the ones that take me to the depths. The guides into my inner world in which my sense of self was created, the initial seeds of my identity planted.

And you know what I am finding- when shit is not tended to – it spreads. It takes over, wrapping, choking, sending out more and more tendrils for expansion that the truth gets covered up, buried away.  And as I am working in the yard, pulling the vines and the roots from that which once nourished me, I am clearing away the soil, providing it an opportunity to see light, to become fertile grounds for the seeds that I am choosing to plant. And all the other stuff I am literally throwing away, discarding or burning. Burning, transforming so that which once grew and flourished can no longer grow again.

So, I am returning to a phrase that I said a lot this time last year, adding more to my What if….

What if it is working?

What if it is all playing out?

What if this is a good thing rather than a dreadful experience?

What if this leads to something I can not even begin to imagine?

What if this is part of the design?

Smiling as I meet myself here, again.

This time.

With a hug,
S