Emerging Through the Smoke — sara lynn lashbrook

This piece was written on August 20, 2022.

Ok. Here we go.

This, this, whatever this is has been inside me for some time and it wants to come out.

I am 48 hours into a silent practice. What, you may ask, does a silent practice involve? For me, since I can only speak for myself, on my behalf, this silent practice is one in which I turn inwards. A time when I can be with myself without turning to outside distractions- tv, texting, movies, internet other people (although I did teach last night and someone came to class for the first time, so I spoke in that hourlong space when we were together). It is time when I can access the silence of my mind, my inner being and see what wants to arise, to come through, to present itself. To cross a threshold.

I wrote a letter to my teacher, one of my teachers this morning. It read:

I have only ever received love, felt love from you. For this I thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is true, I wrote the truth. I have only ever received love from Anand Ji. When I return to the silent space in my heart, all I have is love. All I am able to locate is love.

When my mind steps in, other feelings and emotions rush and it is a different story. Of course it is, for it is the story of the mind, not the heart. Yes, the story of the mind. For those of you who know me, you know that the pull of the mind is strong for me. The mind is something I am constantly aware of or if I am not aware of it, I am drawing back, pulling away my attention to it- which in essence can be the same thing. There are times when I get so far back that I am away from my mind, I’ve accessed this no mind place and nothing is there only love and bliss.

I learned techniques to access this no mind place, this place before my mind from Anand Ji. I travelled to India and studied there at Sattva Yoga Academy and completed my 200 hour training. Over the course of time when I lived in India, I studied at Sattva for seven weeks. Seven deeply impactful, influential, life changing weeks. I have said before and I continue to feel this way, I have deep reverence for Anand Ji, for his graciousness and generosity to share these teachings with me. I also have great reverence for myself. For I am the one what showed up, that did the work, that faced my fears, my limited narrow view of myself, I am the one that took each step, I am the one that continues to take each step.

Which brings me to this current moment, this moment in which is upon me, calling me to take another step. A step to trust myself. To access my inner knowing. To turn within rather than seek out. I am being called to lead myself. To listen to my voice, my inner knowing and trust.

I can recall the feeling, the sensation that pulsed through my body when I led myself through the Sattva Warrior Flow. Yes, I led myself through each asana, each kriya, each pranayama technique. Yes, I followed a sequence and yes, I did it. We were together in Shiva Hall at Sattva, during my 200 hour training and the time was upon us to lead ourselves. I was nervous, anxious, worried- what if I make a mistake, don’t get it right….and I began, we all began. I moved at my own pace, I followed my intuition, I matched my movements with the breath. And then it was time to eat dinner. Our teachers wrapped up the “class” and folks began to leave. I was not done. I had not made it through the whole sequence, I had not made it to the end. I made the choice to remain, to stay committed to myself and to see myself through to the end- to finish what I started.

This is what I looked like when I took a selfie (Oh my goodness, NATARAJ is there, I am there with Nataraj! I am realizing this now, cognizing this now. What? What! Yes, yes, yes!)

This is the journal entry that I wrote:

Completed my first “alone” “practice.” Sattva Warrior Flow 1 with pranayama + asana + kriya + meditation. Such Joy! In Shiva Hall with Tara! A beautiful sequence on my right standing leg- standing balance left leg at 90 into Virabhadrasna- warrior 3 into Dancer- such JOY! Such Joy + delight emanated through me as I went into shooting star! I feel beautiful- it was a true devotional practice to myself- an intimate dance at pieces of the flow- Grateful, grateful, grateful + full of Joy, delight, bliss, charm and self love for me and my capable body. Staying power (which I used) is deserving power.

This time feels similar. Similar in the sense that I am being called to lead myself. To drop my attachment and story that I need to be led by someone else. That I can only do my practice if someone else is leading me, guiding me or teaching me. I am being called to let that go, to loosen the grip- and let me tell you there is a piece of me that is clutching tight- wanting to hold on to the resource of the online platform. I find myself swirling in the story of- but I love this teacher or that class, what about this Satsang or that kriya that I have not yet been initiated into, what will I have when I no longer have access to this?

Ah, yes, and here it is… what I have not yet been initiated into, do not had access to. I knew it was here, all I needed to do was sit and type and it would come, the words would find their way to express, the emotion, the feeling would move through me. And here it is, I meet it here, it meets me here.

I have only completed my 200 hour training. Yep. I have only completed my 200 hour training. There is the word – only. Somehow I am held on this, that I am a low, not worthy, only completed 200 hours of training. And what this speaks to is all that I am NOT- not a 300 hour trained teacher, not a master teacher. This hierarchy that is set up, that is at the foundation of this system, this institution. That one must rise, go through these stages to be. To be. To be what I ask?

To be devoted?

To be committed?

To be loyal?

To be worthy?

To be included?

To be accepted?

To be seen?

To be considered in?

Yeah. This is the thing that emerges with steps and status, levels to achieve, trainings to complete. Is that what yoga is? Is that what learning is? Is that what determines a worthy student, a devotee? These are the questions I have been asking myself, the questions I have been exploring, the questions that have been the source of my confusion. For I have heard Anand Ji say, “and they have only completed their 200 hrs.” I have also heard him say that he himself has not completed 200 hours or 300 hours and that these narrow slots, these reduced, reductionist ways of seeing the whole is limiting and imposes structures on the path to unity which is whole, united, one. Not separate.

There is a piece of me that is held in this, held in the words that I have heard my teacher speak, “only 200 hour.” Simultaneously there is a piece of me that knows that I am worthy and devoted and committed to myself, my growth and my evolution and that I do not need to be reduced to someone who completed only a 200 hour training. Here is the pull of the mind and the current invitation- to step beyond, to meet myself beyond this and to do so, I feel I need to step forward following my own inner knowing, my inner guide, the voice within-to stop relaying on the online platform to lead me, to be my entry point.

But that is not the whole truth. There is more. See, around this time last year I was in the thick of it. She is always in the thick of it, you might say to yourself. And I accept that, I welcome that to be a truth, for as Ram Dass so beautifully shares, “suffering is the unfolding of karma, you are working through/out stuff- it is your secret stash.” I will gladly work though this suffering so I can drop it and meet myself. This time last year stuff in my secret stash, the stuff that I hide, push down to the dark recesses where no light goes, came and made itself known and I was fearful. Full of fear. Fearful for my life. Fearful for my safety. Full of fear that I went to the police station to set a restraining order. Yes. This is true. That was also a huge moment for me. A moment in which I recall leaving the police station full of gratitude for the officer who held space for me to share my story, my truth, my fear and for him to tell me I am not alone. That was a big step, a big punch through for me.

At the same time, I reached out to the Academy to ask for guidance.

I waited. I waited. I waited.

No response.

I waited some more. I continued to wait. Then I told myself that the reason I was not getting an answer was because I was supposed to figure it out on my own, I was meant to come to terms with this on my own. I told myself that no one responded to my email because I was seeking externally and I was supposed to turn inwards. That worked for some time, but the rage was brewing and I was angry. Full of heated words, feelings, and emotions of “I am not worthy because I am only a 200 hour,” “I have not completed my masters training,” or “I am not on the inner circle.”

Yes, all of this was stirring within. It was painful. It hurt. I was suffering. If you read any of the pieces that I wrote during that time, this is evident. There are also glimpses of love, self love and threads of trust, compassion and forgiveness.

I allowed time to pass and in early winter I worked up the courage to ask, to send an email asking why no one had responded. I did the same in March.

Here is the actual email I sent:

Namaskar.

Thank you for taking a moment to open and read this email.

I know folks are arriving back on Sattva grounds and I trust being together again is enlivening.

In the past nine months, I have sent a total of six emails to both of these addresses and have not received a response from either.

Today, I am taking a moment to inquire from a place of curiosity, why?

Why has no one responded to my emails and requests?

I inquire from the full ferocious love of and for myself rather from a place of scarcity and lack, knowing I am a student of Anand Ji and Sattva Yoga Academy and I am worthy and deserving of having a reciprocal exchange of communication.

Thank you for taking a moment to respond.

With gratitude,

Sara

I have still not heard from anyone. No response. A total of six emails over the course of a year and not one response. Maybe I was not meant to get a response. Maybe what was required was for me to send the email. This could be true, there is truth to this. And, this silence speaks. This silence speaks volumes.

I know that I am worthy. I know that I am deserving. I know that this is a call, a call for me to step forward, to drop this baggage that I am desperately clinging to, holding on to like a life preserver, as if it is keeping me afloat. And when I read this, when I read these words, I ask myself, what does that say about your relationship with yourself Sara, what is not said, what is said in the space between these words?

See, there is more. There is more that I have not wanted to share, not wanted to say out loud, not wanted to put out here because I am scared. Scared of being ostracized, of being excluded, of being shunned, removed and/or not welcomed. Yes, these too are real to me. Real to me because I have heard these very things happen to some of my friends and fellow students that I knew personally or knew of in my sangha, my yoga community.

I am reminded of a time when I was at Sattva, it was during my 200 hour training and we were being introduced, initiated into kriya practices. We were told to pay attention and take detailed notes on the specifics of the kriya, how we were led in and how we were led out of it. Some kriyas lead me to a space of bliss, a dreamlike space and in one particular case I was there, in that space and did not hear what our teacher told us. So, like I have encouraged my own students in the past to do when they have a question - ask the question, speak up because someone else may have the same wondering - I raised my hand and spoke, asking my teacher to repeat, to share again the steps to guide an individual out of the kriya.

I was told to pay attention and to listen.

I felt reprimanded. I was shunned. I looked around at my fellow 200 hour students in disbelief, in confusion- did that just happen? Did I catch that? One student looked at me and he answered my question, he spoke the words that I had not heard.

Either later that day or the next we were asked to reflect on our time and this is what I wrote:

And there is more. More that wants to come. More that wants to be expressed. At the same time I sent the emails last summer, early winter, I had resumed contact with someone I met at Sattva. During my time at Sattva, I kept very much to myself. I was aware of a social dynamic that was there, that I either a., did not want to be a part of or b., was scared to initiate because I did not feel I would fit it or worse, I would be excluded or rejected or c., I was deeply involved in my own growth and choose to remain distant. In honesty- there is truth in all three of these statements. I can recall my journal entry from my first visit to Sattva in November 2018:

Beginnings can be awkward for me sometimes. Why do I hold myself back? What do I deserve? Why do I pull away, withdrawal? Uncomfortable, awkward- out of place, unknown. Arrived at Sattva for the Summit. Beautiful drive- lush- winding road along Ganga and then a tributary- weaving, making our way through the mountain. I make myself invisible rather than stand out, I quiet and withdraw. It’s as if I tell myself I do not belong. This is an old, old well known, well traveled path. I can trace it to high school, middle school, elementary school- sleepovers especially- as if I am not worthy. So I wait until someone engages me, shy away or do something to make myself useful. Something to notice, be aware of. I defend myself by saying I am taking it all in, I am really uncomfortable. The idea of imposter popped up again- that I don’t know enough, I am not experienced enough or knowledgeable enough. I know I am not fake. I know I am real and honest with myself. What does being honest with myself mean? – from my heart? From my mind? Nothing is fixed with logic- only with the heart.

My initial reconnection to my Sattva friend brought me great joy-hearing her voice through the audio recordings that we left one another, recalling shared memories of our time together and simply connecting in the now. Then the sharing shifted. She began to tell stories and experiences while at Sattva. In the beginning I felt separate from the stories, they did not resonate or connect with me in any way, so I was able to remain distant, not attached. Then, as time passed and more was shared, I noticed myself getting sucked in and activated- telling myself, I do not want to know this and yet I cannot turn my head away now, I cannot, not listen to her recordings. She shared stories of her experiences that I cannot shake from my mind. Stories that validated inner feelings, gut responses that I had felt but had not been tuned into the finer details. When I share that I was being activated, I mean I was being lit up. Stuff she was saying was landing in me, touching and lighting up previous experiences that I have had in life, experiences around safety, being heard, being seen, acknowledged, respected. Ah yes, my secret stash. I listened. I held space and then I felt called to share with her what I was able to see, glean from what she was telling with me paired with my own experiences. It felt that was happening quickly and while I found myself getting sucked in, I also was able to access strength to say- this is not mine- I can support you from afar, I am here for you and this is your work, you have to take the steps. In the last few texts we exchanged, I was able to share clearly and directly what I was able to piece together based on what she was sharing. She sent a text back to me saying all was good. It had a very different feel than the texts I had been receiving, even the day prior.

Looking back, it was a huge lesson learned. A big, momentous moment for me, as I was able to separate out and see what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours. I was and am grateful for the listening ear that I had, the space that I was able to hold and the words that I chose to speak- even when they felt challenging to say out loud. This awareness and clarity was and is greatly in part to the forgiveness sadhana I was doing- working with a peace mantra three times a day and engaging in a deeply clearing and healing kriya set.

I came across this is a journal entry written from that time last year, I am fascinated by the dream:

I dreamt that the surface I was walking on was floating, moving, being manipulated by a machine- a boat, a float- it was turning around. Although I do not think I was aware it was a boat or that it moved until I was on it, witnessing it, experiencing it. I had to use quick steps to maintain my balance and I am smiling because this is how I feel, here and now in my life. I am trusting. I am very trusting. I trust others in ways that I am only beginning to fully see how. I don’t have any reservations. I trust. I trust and in this trusting I have no expectation of being deceived, manipulated or used. No, those thoughts do not appear in my mind. I do not enter a situation thinking, anticipating that I will be lied to, manipulated, deceived. I do not consider myself to be naïve. Rather I know that I trust. And now, this trusting, this knowing that I trust is surfacing. It surfaced when she told me that she questioned why she consulted in me, why she reached out to me- that I am new to Sattva and still innocent, wrapped in the façade of light + love and that I am naïve. That she should have spoken to another who has been at Sattva longer, who knows. Who knows what? This is what got me going. Who knows the inner workings, the lies, the facades, the ego desires for money? I see so much, now I know why I dreamt the floor, ground, foundation on which I stand was moving. I tell stories to justify, to explain, to make sense. Like, why, why has no one gotten back to me at Sattva. I’ve been sending emails since June 2021. Some inquiry, some sharing. No response. The set of emails in September, August- no response- got me fueled. There can be a host of reasons- one of which now I can see- Anand Ji doesn’t see me as a student. He sees me as a form of money, income, to tap into my vulnerable ways, my desire to know and grow and to get my money. I can only be here if you are here. I hear these words differently now. Yes, I have made you. I have helped contribute to you- build your ego, your stance, your power, your manipulation, your control. Wow. This is how I have participated. This is how I have played a role. In not seeing this. In turning a blind eye. In not wanting to fully see- to see pieces, parts, to tell stories to justify- to make sense. I have been deceived. I trusted. And I was sucked in by marketing, the images, the play. It is icky. It is icky. Icky. Sad. So very sad. Yes, there was a sense of intrigue to know the inner workings, behind the scenes- because I was in awe at Sattva and wanted to be there, a part. I see that, I acknowledge that. She also revealed stories, experiences in which it was hard to hear- to remain neutral because the stories were not aligned with what I thought, perceived. Indian vs. Western. Embodying what is taught. Genuinely sharing vs wanting money, greed- these shake my foundation. Yes- so I look to myself. The me I have come to rely on and trust and I forgive. I forgive myself for being trustful, open, for not seeing all – for seeing signs and bleaching the flags, ignoring them, turning an eye.

I forgive myself for believing

I forgive myself for being manipulated

I forgive myself for being trusting

I forgive myself for buying into the façade

I forgive myself for getting sucked in

I forgive you Anand Ji for straying from your path, for being human, for getting sucked in the ego and desire, for forgetting your power, for forgetting or maybe never fully knowing the role you stepped into. Maybe you never wanted this- maybe it became too much, you have a choice to be honest and step out.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

And here now, as I am being called to take this next step, this step towards following my inner voice and trusting myself this is arising. It is arising for me to see.

As I began this post, I wrote a letter to Anand Ji today saying I have only received and felt love from him. This is my truth. I stand in this. I allow myself to be enveloped in this. Throughout my journey I continue to come to places where I accept my past, I accept that which I have encountered, stepped through, said, and participated in fully. For I am a sum of all of my parts. I had only one yucky experience when I was at Sattva, yet it is an experience whose presence still lingers. I do not use shame when teaching my students, I know the courage, strength and vulnerability it requires to speak up and to ask a question- especially when it has been made explicit to pay close attention. I have explored my role in this, the stories that I have attached to this moment- that I was irresponsible, that I made a mistake… and I continue to rest on the fact that I am here to learn and when I do not know, especially when I am in a space as a student, in a place where I am intentionally learning, that asking questions is part of the process.

And what was shared with me, are the words of another. They are not mine. They are her truth, her version of experiences that she felt called to share with me. Her words placed images and pictures in my mind that I cannot erase or ignore, turn my head away from or close my ears off and pretend that I did hear them. Because I have. I heard. And I cannot unhear.

As for the emails, I see how I have attached narratives to why I have not gotten a response. I see how my attachment has me locked into a position and an idea. I have asked- What does it matter? Why do I want to know? And for some reason it does. I cannot seem to shake it.

I am not writing off my experiences and time at Sattva, I am not going to go through my previous posts here or on Instagram and delete words shared to me by Anand Ji, I am not going to remove or pretend that he and Sattva Yoga Academy have not influenced the trajectory of my life. I am not here to erase my past. I am here to accept it, to acknowledge it, to speak its truth, my truth. I have learned techniques and Yog-Vedantic teachings from Anand Ji and Sattva. These are the practices I continue to embody and meet myself through in my own practice, it are these practices that have shifted the course of my life. They are that powerful and I feel called to share them with others who are willing and ready. And all of that will come, when the time comes.

I am showing up and being me. Opening and accepting that which is- not resisting, refusing, rejecting, blocking- because when this happens it shows me that something is here, holding me, trapping me, ensnaring me. Which I why I need to step, to release myself from this bind, which is showing up again now, a year later.

All I am doing is speaking my truth. The truth that comes from me being me, living my life and having experiences. Taking the action that I am called to take to grow, to evolve and heal myself. I share this from a place of love, no hate or anger, resentment or animosity. Only love. As I typed these last few words, Anand Ji’s voice comes through the speaker Har Har Mahadeva Shambo… my heart melts, I meet love here. All I have is love. All I am able to locate is love.

Yoga continues to gift this to me, love, self love, knowing I am love and through this love of myself and for myself I am accessing my own strength. I meet myself here again and again and again. Through my practice I come to know my own strength, my own worth, my power. Power lives off of silence. Power is fueled from silence. Power gets its strength from silence. This pattern has been carried forward for a long, long, long, long time. I am done. I am no longer giving away my power, no longer freely offering it out. No longer sitting in silence out of fear. I am taking my power back. Coming more and more into alignment with the truth of who I am. Isn’t that a gift of being a teacher, to empower your students to carry on without you, to say you have done all you can and the rest is up to you?

The call is to drop the fear. I am stepping forward towards no longer living in fear, I assure you it is here. Fear is here. I can see it. Smell it. I know fear well. It’s breathing down my neck with its hot breath, its stench lingers and threatens- saying do not put this out- you have no idea of the power they hold. You can get yourself into a lot of danger and trouble- and this, feeling this, it is this that drives me, fuels me. This knowing that I am able to no longer feel the need to carry the burden of these stories around in silence and not speak up. No longer living off of what ifs, buying in to the fear-based narrative of being shunned or the grip, it’s really more of a clinging, I am not longer clinging to this narrative. Us, them. Worthy. Approval. In. Out. 200 hrs. Master. I am dropping it all and living.

For that is what I am here to do.

Live.

My only purpose is to live life.

Living requires choices and I see how when a choice is made, there are layers underneath that choice, subtle experiences that have led to the choice making. This piece has offered me the opportunity to see this clearly. As I continue to explore my responses and reactions, the feeling and sensations that arise in my body, I am learning. I am connecting with my inner voice, my intuition and allowing it to guide me even when I do not know why or when I do not understand and it makes no sense. Something is calling me to act. This action to step forward to rely on myself. To be my own teacher is one in a string of calls recently, calls that have been so loud I cannot ignore them. Calls have been heard, invitations were offered for me to take a step, to step forward to release the tightly held grip of fear, the fear that defines and confines, that restricts and holds back. I can stay in the pattern of fear- having a sense of what will come as a result of my previous experiences or what I feel might happen- this is the grip, this is the hold- or, knowing this I can choose to step, to act in a different way, breaking the pattern and meet whatever is there to greet me once I take the step. There are so many options, for sooo long I have felt my options have been narrow, reduced or limited and that is when I feel stuck. I have felt I have no other choice than to remain in pain, experiencing suffering and hurt, to stay silent, to not speak up, to be invisible, to not cause problems, to not be seen. I thought that was the only way. It is not. I see this now. I know this. There are so many ways, so many ways to see. Viewing through life through the lens of fear holds us in these repetitive patterns, it keeps us locked in. This is how fear controls us. This is how it steals our power, our strength, our voice. I see this clearly now.

Yes. Yes. This is the illusion. This is the play. This is Maya. This is Lila. Right here, right now. The idea, the though the illusion that we are held, trapped stuck. Once we see this, once we see this we drop the karmic pattern- there is a natural releasing that happens in this seeing. WOW.

All of this is actually only about me. It has nothing to do with Sattva, Anand Ji, emails and texts. These are simply the vehicles that are propelling me forward. These events had to occur, had to play out in this way for me to be able to see how fear has a grip on me and how it holds me back from fully living. Sattva, Anand Ji, the emails, the voice recordings and the texts are all part of the script, all part of this play of life that I have created. I have cultivated this; I have carefully arranged all of this so I can see. I have cast some actors as villains, as those who are out to get me- they are not out to get me, no one is-they are simply playing their role, dutifully connected to their part. That is why they are here acting in this way. Oh yes, I see this and what arises is compassion and forgiveness. Gratitude for them to stay their course, to be loyal to their script, to play their part- all so I can see. ALL SO I CAN SEE.

I have to play my part too. I have to follow through and act. I see how these events have unfolded, the gifts of timing and alignment, the subtle cues and messages, the signs and calls. Life rearranges itself each time we step. We lift our foot and the path reconfigures, rising up to meet us when we place our foot down to complete the step. On and on it goes. We can walk the familiar, worn, well trodden path or we can switch it up, engage with life and keep it curious, wondering what we will do next. Ah yes, this is when it gets interesting.

I am choosing to live life in this interesting, curious way. I am switching it up, I am playing the game fully. I know the some of the rules and I am choosing to no longer play the way I have been engrained to play. Yes, yes. I am playing in a way that has no secrets, nothing hidden, nothing covered up, nothing shielded or protected because clearly this is what I am here to do. This is a thread of my life, to see the fear and know what might happen and step forward to act anyway. This pattern is pronounced right now, it keeps showing up and it is connected, intertwined, woven in all that I do, in all that I am. I am peeling aways those layers each time my secret stash is revealed.

For this, for all of this I am grateful.

I would have it no other way.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

In Love for that is all there is,

Sara

Please note: I want to mention that I am reading Yoni Shakti by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli. This book found its way into my hands around the same time all was unfolding this time last year. Yoni Shakti had been recommended to me by a Sattva Sister and Sangha member and a few weeks later I saw this book on a shelf of another Sattva Sister. Yoni Shakti is an incredible resource, a book that I have only begin to dip a toe into. Yesterday morning, 24 hours into my silent practice, I was called to pick up this book and enter the wisdom in its pages. I have read the preface and “author’s warning” before and yesterday I read it again. Ah, yes, I said as I read. I see what I am meant to do. To face this part of myself that feels silenced out of fear. What you read just now, is inspired by this call, this call to action, to rise up and meet myself and the stuff inside my secret stash. I do not need to know why or understand why I am called to act; I trust that my action is healing and guiding my way on. Maybe it will for you too.