A Glimpse Into An Evening, My Mind and Moments in Time

This is a transcript of a recording I made on October 14th… I have chosen to not share the actual recording because it names streets and towns in which I live.

So, I have to be laughing at myself. I was in a funk this afternoon when I looked at my work schedule and all of these commitments that I have made. I am trying to figure out when I have some time for myself. The truth of it is, is that it is all for me none of isn’t- so that is kind of silly that I would even say that. I’m recognizing though that I feel that I am longing for the moments when I had days that were open and flexibility to be able to do, that which I want when I want rather than these commitments that I have committed too. Although none of the commitments that I have committed to, I don’t want, meaning I want all of them or I would have not committed to them. So, it is not like I am resentful or anything.

I am taking myself to a date, to go see Indigenous Liberations. It starts at 8:00 and I left the house a few minutes before 7:40 and it takes a few minutes to get down here. As I was leaving my street there was a huge truck and I thought to myself I am not going to follow behind the truck, because it was going straight. I decided to turn and take a different route. As soon as I got on to the next road, I was behind a car that was going 30 mph in a 45 zone. I found myself asking them why are you going so slow, why aren’t you going faster. I was irritated, it was not pleasant. When I got to the next major intersection, I saw that the truck was actually in front of me. And so, the whole time I was driving, I could see how far the truck was ahead of me, getting farther and farther away. All I could think of was, that is where I would be if I wasn’t here. If I wasn’t here, that is where I would be. But in the same sense this is where I am, and I had to settle in.

And then right before I took my second to last turn before arriving, I was one car behind the truck. I am here before 8 and it always, always works out.

The thing that has me intrigued, is that we, the natural tendency of the human mind is to always want to be anywhere other than where we are. We want to be somewhere else. We work hard to get there - we control, we plan, we devise, we create and yet the place where we desire is always just out of reach, we can see it. We can see where we want to be and it is a constant reminder of where we aren’t, which is where we are, which is the place we would rather not be, for we want to be somewhere other than here. Isn’t that a play of the mind? A play of ego?

That is what was arising, a month ago when I had that awareness while driving. I thought I could beat the truck, go faster than the truck, bypass the truck by taking another route and what do I encounter- the truck that I was trying to pass, avoid, beat was just a few car lengths ahead, a visual reminder of where I wanted to be, where I hoped I’d be. Where I thought I could be with my swift, crafty planning and there I was, behind it. Watching it gain distance, getting further and further ahead as my mind conjured up stories.  In the end, I “caught up” with the truck and it went its own way and I went mine.

In this, sitting with this, I am reminded of a teaching from Sattva Yoga Academy when I was studying in India. You are the path, the path is you. This is a loose transcription of an audio recording I made while in India on February 7, 2020:

“Something super excited revealed itself to me in my mediation this morning, and you know how you have been talking about the awe, the sense of discovery and wanting to share. The Aghhh, I figured this out. So here I am sharing this with you. In my mediation this morning, really I wasn’t contemplating it, it arose, it arose on its own, and I have been contemplating the question I am the path, the path is me. I have been working on my homework for 200 hour and I carry these questions around in my mind throughout the day. So yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, not really a conversation, we were walking and he said we are going to go this way, we are going to deviate. Yeah, yeah I said, we are the path. And he was like something along the lines of, if we are the path, then we are not going anywhere. Ah, I said, that is interesting. I hadn’t thought about it that way, I hadn’t had that perspective presented to me. So this morning that popped into my mind and it happened really quickly, and the thing that responded after or the thing I responded to afterwards was, “if I am the path, and the path is me and then, I am not really ever going anywhere because I am the path, then I am always here!” I am such delight.. I sent it into the energy field and I wanted to really ensure that you heard it, so that is why I am recording it. For me and for you and for everyone who is listening. Thank you for sharing in my delight with me and have a glorious, radiant day.”

Which brings me to now. Now in the sense that I am experiencing forgiveness. Forgiveness and acceptance of how I used to be. What I used to do. How I used to carry myself and interact. Forgiveness and acceptance of what was. Forgiveness and Acceptance of how often I want to be anyone other than me, the story that someone else’s life is better than mine and that I need to be more like them and less like me. Forgiveness and acceptance of what brought me here, to this moment. Writing these words, as a cool breeze enters the room and brushes my hands, as I the sound of the tall grasses move with this wind and the warmth of the sun dancing on my cheeks. Yes, this grace is here, the grace of Forgiveness and Acceptance.

This time last year, I had recently embarked on the journey of forgiveness, acceptance and peace in a Forgiveness Sadhana. This is what I wrote on the opening pages of my sadhana journal:

Some context to how I arrived here: planted seeds verbally in a WhatsApp audio recording on July 5 for this forgiveness sadhana, to be initiated, lead, guided to, in this practice by Beloved Lisa and here we are.  On the day after closure of Brihaspatic, Budh, Shani and a 21 day Saraswati Mantra Sadhana which followed an intense run with Shani and 54 days of Maha Mriytunjaya Mantra and a lot of muck. I am seeing clearly now. Seeing what is here for me to see, the gifts I receive, that continue to flow to me with grace, gratitude and ease.

I see how forgiveness is necessary to soften, to accept, to heal

Forgiveness for forgetting

                        For being harsh, hard

                        For self doubt

                        For self negation

                        For control

                        For desire to control, to know, to make meaning, sense, to understand

                        For wishing things were different

                        For resisting and rejecting love and support

                        For feeling I need to go in and do this all alone

                        For feeling I need to be right, that it needs to be my way

                        For the times when I have acted without grace, love and acceptance

                        For my reactions

                        For my projections

                        For my self limiting stories and narratives

                        For the barriers I have placed on myself, to narrow myself, reduce myself, cage

myself, hold, contain myself

Smiling, for what I want, comes when it is time. Not when I want it to come. Not how I plan to it be. It shows up unexpected, unplanned, unannounced. I am dancing with this concept of time and the timing of how things unfold. Everything in its time, nothing before and nothing after. Everything now.

For events from February 7, 2020, November 11, 2021, October 14, 2022 and right now all swirl together and gift me this moment.

And this is exactly where I am meant to be, for the path is me and there is no where else to be.

Hari Om Tat Sat,

Sara