Choices, Judgements and Mistakes — sara lynn lashbrook

The notion of forgiving myself continues to arise…it comes from this place of making mistakes and making mistakes because the ego wants to control or feel validated or right. I used to find others judging me, now I find myself judging myself. If you do not know this for yourself - I will share, it is exhausting. Draining. This constant pull of the mind. This back and forth between is this right, is this wrong? Is this good, is this bad? Did I make the right choice? Did I do what I was supposed to do?

This whole idea of judgement is built on a foundation of value. What do we place value on? Once we see what we value, then we are able to see through that lens the space where our judgments arise from.

When I find feelings of wanting to be validated, seen and/or recognized start to bubble up I know something is underneath it, trying to get my attention.

People make mistakes. I used to hold this thought to be true- because I too, make mistakes. Making mistakes is part of learning. Looking back, I am grateful when I make a mistake, all of the mistakes I have made because they are opportunities for me to learn, opportunities for me to grow. Recently, I have been asking myself, so then are they mistakes, as I have been told they are or rather, are they opportunities to grow? If they are opportunities for me to grow, which is what I choose to tell myself, even when the feeling of I made a mistake is there, then I need to be a little more kind to myself, a little more forgiving of myself.

You know what else is arising, the difference between making mistakes and doing something wrong. Huge. Doing something wrong is, has someone placing judgement, not being about to do something in someone’s eyes. Ready for this? So does the using the word mistake. Embedded within the word mistake is the notion that we missed an opportunity to take, to do something. Mis, as a prefix means- not correct, lack, ill, wrong. So then, the word mistake actually has judgement within it. It implies that there was something that we aught to do, were meant to do, supposed to do and didn’t.

Mistakes and judgements. Wow. And this is how I have lived my life for so long. Living my life under the guise of mistakes and judgments. Not being able to live up to someone’s perception, someone’s projection, vision or view of me and feeling that my very existence, me being me is wrong. That the actions that I take, the choices that I make are bad. This is so deeply engrained in me, that I am seeing that it is not only how others view me, it is how I view myself. This is how I view myself and I have the self -violent, self-hatred thoughts and dialogue present to remind me.

Intellectually, I know this is not how the world works. Cognitively, I know it is not how the universe is arranged. This view of wrong and judgment is not how Divine Mother created. I know this from experience of meeting myself, my true self. The Self that is beyond the mind, before the grip of ego. I know from experience being there, touching that, in that space there is no judgement only love. It’s just that I’ve lived in such a place of feeling ashamed and feeling that I have done something wrong and that I wasn’t worthy- for so long -for so long - for so long that it has become a way of being. Now that I am aware and wanting to step away, I feel the pull even stronger. The pull of this divisive mind- the one that knows that I am not bad, that I am love itself, that I can do no wrong, that I cannot make any mistake because there is no way that anything is supposed to be. No perfect way for it all to be. That there is, and always is, is an opportunity to learn. An opportunity to grow. An opportunity to evolve and move beyond the ever repeating known, the patterns that hold us stagnant and the same.

All of this is arising, bubbling up. I have felt it swirling and swirling around me, making its presence known and then today more bubbled up as it always does. I felt surprised, caught off guard. I was happily going along and then WHAM, just like that I get knocked, hit in the face, the floor collapsing below me and I began falling down, falling down into the depths. At tailspin speed. I’ve been here before, in the depths. I know when they come and summon me, but today, today?

See I have been playing with this notion of making choices and choosing what is best (already in using this word I am judging – it is that deeply engrained in me, glad I have the awareness to catch it and so tired that it is here)… I have been playing with the notion of choosing me and listening to my body and it has not been easy. Not been easy simply because I am so accustomed to listening to everyone else and ignoring my own body and putting everyone else before me. I’m in this place of exploration, because it is new for me. It is nearly new in my lifetime to put me first, to listen to my body and honor what it needs. And yesterday, I listened to my body or at least what I thought my body needed and rested. I laid down and rested.

And today, I am second guessing my choice to rest. My choice to rest and not go to a concert that I wanted to go to. Or a concert that I had a desire to go to? Or a concert that I told myself I could go to? A concert that was within reach and close, but for a moment felt far and distant. An opportunity to go and have fun and access that which I love- live music, sand, ocean and friends. A concert in which they played a song that I love. And I wasn’t there. The choice I made has me confused. Was I making, oh, here it is again (so engrained) – was I making the right choice, was I making the right choice to rest, to listen to my body and give it rest or was I falling into an old pattern of giving in, of not taking care of myself energetically so that I became drained? Was I drained or was that a familiar play of the mind? I cannot even keep up; it is confusing and tiring being here in this place.

This is my sos text to Katrina, I was swirling down at lightening speed. She held space for me as I vented, cried, shared myself fully!

Here is glimpse: Was I supposed to fight the old story of being tired and drained and push through by getting into the car and driving to the concert? Was I supposed to rest and let my body heal? Was I really tired? Was I really content with the other shows that I saw or did I want more? Was I seeking? If I was seeking, what was I seeking? What was I wanting? Was I playing safe, small? Was I repressing desire? Was fear a driver here? Was I repeating the ever repeating known of telling myself I do not deserve to have fun? That familiar story of being irresponsible? If I went, would they have played this song? Or was it only played because I was not there? What is underneath this… what is here? Why is this here? What am I meant to see? What wants to come to the surface to be seen? Why is it that this is only arising now, when last night I was content, fully confident and okay with my choice?

Are you confused trying to follow the back and forth of my mind? I am. I am tired by this constant pull of the mind. I am unsure about what I am to do, how to act, what choice to make that all I want to do is turn inward and not have to do anything (here is another thread, the feeling of having- being obligated to do).

Do you get what I am saying, do you feel this pull, this back and forth that sometimes feels like a yank to and fro? If you do, I am with you. You are not alone.

Maybe you are thinking, why is she making such a big deal about something so little? That might be your viewpoint. For me, I see this as an entry point to something much bigger. This event, this moment, this opportunity is actually an access point. It is showing me that something is here, something that wants to be addressed, seen, highlighted to be deleted. This something is connected to other things, this is deep. Its reach is vast and wide, all encompassing. All of this is connected, like a huge tangled ball.

Do you know that phrase, damned if you do, damned if you don’t? I feel that like. I feel like I cannot win. Not that I want to win, but there is a piece of me that feels like I want to get it right, right in the sense of enough already, when am I going to catch a break, what more am I supposed to do. Right in the sense that I feel like I am getting it wrong. Making the wrong choices. That my choice to not go is being punished by the universe by playing my song that I long to hear live. It is tiring being me. I am tired of being me.

And that the same time I am being cracked open, tears are flowing and emotion is moving. A release is happening and it hurts. I know it is of no use kicking myself when I am down. I know that I can access love and grace and stillness. I know that there is no judgement, that judgement exists only on the level of the mind. And yet, this is where I am. I am accepting this. This current moment, these feelings that are arising and moving through me. Is real. Real to me.

As you can see, there are levels in me that make sense. I know that the grasp, that this is, only the pull of the mind. There are also levels in me that are so gripped by this dynamic of being punished and rewarded that causes me to feel stuck in making decisions. What to do?

All I want to do is turn inward and live there. Live inside, by myself without having to make choices or interact with anyone or life. It feels like too much to interact and make choices because of the pull of the mind, the story of the conditioned mind.

And, I remember this is why I am here. To learn. To grow. To evolve.

With this, I choose to continue.

I breathe.

I step.

I move.

I forgive.

What else can I do? For what is done is done. No need to dwell on the past. No need to focus on the future.

This is an opportunity for me to learn, to drop judgement and the idea that I made a mistake.

All we need to do is be here, now.

Now.

In the ever unfolding of now.

P.S. The day after….

You know, I am not immune to what other people think of me. As I reflect on the moments that lead me to decide that I was not going to get into the car and drive to the concert, I acknowledge that fear was there. Fear of being blamed and shamed, being seen as irresponsible. At 44, I stepped into child mode and slinked away out of fear of being shamed and blamed, viewed with the critical eyes of judgement and didn’t do something that my heart wanted to do.

There is also a part of me that was tired, really exhausted and drained. That part is true too. The was a part of me that gave myself permission to rest, to stop and be. I was okay with that.

It was only after, after the moment when I was at ease with my decision, when I learned new information that sent me into a tailspin. That uprooted me and had me swirling in the storm of self- doubt and confusion. And the only one responsible for any of this is me.

Me.

I take responsibility for this range of emotions, for these feelings, for these thoughts. I accept them, for they are real and they are here. Presenting themselves in a way that is loud and pronounced, in a way that gripped me, in a way I cannot ignore.

This is the threshold; this is the space where change happens. Where patterns are seen. Where the opportunity to drop what I have been carrying, the façade, the pretending, the living for someone else can be released. Which leads me to this- whose life am living? A life for others or a life for me? It is here, on this threshold which I stand, where I ask this question. Do I want to continue to live my life for the approval of others or do want to live this life for me?

If it is to be, it is up to me. And while I know I cannot do it alone; I know that I trust myself as I take each step. Each step, bringing me closer and closer home to myself.

And this is the message that greets me today. Yup, I am exactly where I am meant to be.