Be. Loving.

You know what I realized when I emerged from the depths the other day? I was tired and I was grateful to slow down, listen to by body and turn inward.  I feel drained and taking care of myself is something that is important to me. I have tendency to ignore my needs and to override them by thinking, feeling I should do something different that I rarely listen to my body. This is a deep groove, a well worn path that I am able to peer my head over the top and see the expansive world that lies beyond, if only I allow myself to see.

To see.

Ah, to see.

You know what else I realized, the universe is so giving, so loving, so accommodating, so adaptive that you can find WHATEVER you are looking for!  Whatever it is that you seek, you will find. If I want to be a hero, I will find ways to celebrate myself. If I want to be a victim, I will find all of the ways I have been wronged. 

I see this while reading. I can read a paragraph and pull out only the phrase or line that reinforces my current stance, the words that align with my consciousness state. I can find anything that I am looking for. I can do this with people too, I can talk to people until they tell me what I want to hear, what I want them to say or I can dismiss what they are saying to me, and ignore their words because it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t match where I am or what I seek.

This conforming is something that is arising.  For so long, rather that adapt, I conformed. I allowed aspects of me to die, to get closed off, to be hidden away from me and away from others. I shielded myself to fit in, to belong, to be seen, to not stand out, to not be seen, to shy away.

I read these words from Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection:

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it…. In the end, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give the people we love.

In the margin, I’ve written this in pencil:

-why I have been struggling

Agh, these words of wisdom written years ago… Yes, Sara, this is one way you struggle. Not being true to you and feeling the need, obligation, the should to be a certain way, a different way, someone, anyone other than you.  Somewhere, some how I have picked up this story that me being me isn’t good, that I am mistake, that the choices I make continue to be bad and that I cannot be trusted.

Oh, yes, the power of free flowing, words being typed and flowing from my heart…. That I cannot be trusted. That I cannot be trusted. Which also seeps into me not being able to trust myself, my choices and my decisions. Let’s be with this for a moment.

I am at a place and time in my life where everything is possible. It’s not that everything isn’t possible or wasn’t possible before, it’s just that now, I am seeing that I have the possibility to go anywhere and do anything. There are moments when I feel free with this open expansion and there are moments when I am paralyzed by fear. This fear, as this free flowing written entry is helping me face, is driven by getting it wrong and making a mistake. As if I am supposed to do something, be someone, go somewhere….

There is a piece of me that feels this is true. I have not shared much about my experiences with Jyotish, Yoga and conversations that I have had with guides and this one time keeps popping into my mind.  I had someone say to me, “But you were supposed to move there.” To place this phrase in context, there was a moment when I was living in my cabin on the edge of the wilderness and I had an opportunity to move into town and I didn’t. These were the words that were shared with me and I have not let them go.

I carry them around and place them within the context of Free Will and Predeterminism.  Ah yes, the concepts of Free Will and Predeterminism. I have listened to my teacher speak on these values in lectures, teachings and satsangs.  They co-exist, they are not opposing values. There is not some person, being, entity sitting in a chair watching over me, judging my every move. As Katrina pointed out to me the other day, that person is me. I am my own judge. And you can see here, and in the previous posts, this pull, this tug, this struggle that I endure is real.

I think. I think a lot. I reflect. I contemplate. I ponder. I consider these qualities a gift. I also accept them as obstacles. An obstacle to my growth.  I am in my own way.  My over analytical mind is constantly going, taking me in all of these different directions.  It lives on fear, fear inducing strategies to keep me in the same holding patterns…

I ask myself:

How do I get out of my own way?

What is getting in the way?

Okay, lets answer this.

Here is a conversation between my head and my heart:

What is getting in the way?

I am getting in my own way.

How am I getting in my own way?

By over analyzing, over thinking, over doing. Doing rather than being. Holding on to stories, narratives, feelings, projections, assumptions or how things should or are supposed to be. It is all encompassing, all-consuming this place. This place is paralyzing. It limits me in taking a step. What step should I take, what is the right step? What I am supposed to do? It is thick. Sticky. It is residue that holds, binds, traps, engulfs- swallowing me whole. 

What is this residue?

Fear. Fear of making a mistake, of getting it wrong.

Why do you feel you are going to make a mistake, get it wrong?

Because there have been moments in my life where I have made choices that have led me to places that, when I look back, I think, how did I allow that to happen? Why did I stay in that for so long? How did I endure that? Why didn’t I love myself enough?

Okay, so that happened. And.

And I am fearful that I cannot trust myself to not repeat those patterns, so it is easier to stay here, in the ever repeating same, known to protect myself.

Is that really what you want? Is that really how it is?

No, no, I do not like the ever repeating known. I do not like the same swirling. That is what I am in now, and I am tired of it. New things, new aspects arise from these same patterns and present themselves and I am grateful for this and I want new, something different.

What is the new different that you want? What is it that you seek?

Peace.

Ah, peace.

Yes, inner peace, a still mind. I am tired of this tug, this pull. This inner battle, this back and forth. I use my techniques. I get on my mat, on my cushion. I sit for practice, for sadhana. I utilize the tools so generously shared with me and I am still here. Still, meaning I feel like I should be beyond this already.

Ah yes, that you should be somewhere else, anywhere other than here.

Yes and no, I see that I have grown. I see that I have made changes. I see that I see. How I am aware of my patterns and tendencies. I see this. I am grateful. I also know that I am seeing this and in seeing this I am growing. That there is no place to go to, no place to arrive to, no end goal. All is constantly unfolding, revealing, unfurling and showing. Meeting me where I am and providing me opportunities to grow.

Okay, so….

So, I feel, I think that I should be doing something else

Is that really true?

A piece of it is. The conditioned part of me feels this. The part of me that focuses on those outside of me, their opinions, thoughts, projections and judgements. Another piece is that I do trust, I trust that when the moment is upon me to move I will. I take action. I am not sitting idle. I am participating in life. I am responding. I am doing. I am being. I am healing. I am meeting myself, meeting my whole self, the self that I have stuffed away, the self that I have been hiding from myself and others. I am allowing myself to be. I am exploring what it means to be me. What I enjoy. When I feel full. When I feel depleted. When I want to share. What I want to share. What I want to do. And I have the space to do this, to be with myself in this way.

Yes, you do. It is beautiful. So why are you rushing it?

I see that there are parts of me that are rushing, wanting to rush this time, this healing time, this time of growth. Parts that want it to be over because it hurts. It is painful. I feel that I have endured enough already. And I have. I also know that I endured this pain and hurt for so long, that it takes time to undo.

Yes, this undoing, unraveling requires time and commitment and that is what you are doing. Showing up and being committed to you, your growth and your healing. What will come is already on your way to you. It is already flowing to you Sara, everything in its time. Allow it to flow, in its own time. Not your preconceived notion of time.  Allow Beloved. Simply Allow. Soften in and allow. There is no wrong. You cannot get this wrong. You are not wrong. You being here is not a mistake. You are powerful beyond the capacity of your mind. Step out of the way. Surrender. Trust and allow.

Soften into this grace that is here. That is holding you. That is loving you.

For you are love itself.

Beloved.

Be. Loved.

Be held in the grace that is always here.

As I typed these last words, the final notes in the song The Father’s Heart by Tony Anderson played.

Yes, belonging. This longing to belong. This longing to be.

It is right here, accessible inside this breath.

It is so accessible I can touch it; I can be it.

Be loving.

To yourself and to others.

Hari Om,

S

PS. Another Post Script, writing what has come to me after I posted this…. I acknowledge that I have been hung up on the words “but you were supposed to move,” the words that someone else said to me, which I see as an invitation to trust myself. To turn inward and intuitively trust rather than seeking feedback, guidance and direction from another.