The Purpose of Life — sara lynn lashbrook

A thread of my life has revealed itself to me. I know I have become aware of it before, this is not new, yet now it is really here. Again and I am no longer able to ignore it, it is here, making its presence known. Loudly! Across contexts and experiences! Here for me to see!

Throughout my yogic studies, I have heard the teaching, “the purpose of life is to celebrate and liberate.” Celebrate. Liberate. These words resonate with me as I long to live a life, one in which I celebrate and feel free. What I am noticing, is that somewhere along the way, I have picked up the notion that to celebrate and be free is irresponsible and bad. I have a deep rooted notion that having fun is careless behavior. I know. I know. It is hard to type, even harder to read. Yet so important to address, to acknowledge, to let it come to the surface and be known.

As I read through my journal entries, I see a similar question posed, “Why do I not allow myself to have fun?” “Why am I so serious?” “Why can’t I let go and enjoy?”

These are real questions that I have asked myself over the years. These are real questions that I find myself exploring now.

Why do I not allow myself to have fun? I can think of many experiences in which I had fun or was having fun and then after, I have been punished, shunned, ignored, reprimanded even shamed. These experiences over time have led to a scarring of sorts, one in which I am fearful of ‘letting loose,’ ‘having fun,’ ‘experiencing joy, delight and pleasure’ because I tell myself that someone is going to have something to say about it or worse, that I am going to be punished for it. Actually, I am not sure which is worse. They both feel really icky.

Were you raised like this? This notion of cause and effect, if this happens- then that will happen? This fear based notion that keeps us from living fully? Don’t have too much fun, something bad is going to come of it. When you enjoy yourself, you are putting yourself at risk- risk of hurt, pain, trouble, someone else’s opinion of you.

I am seeing this so clearly now. I have gone through life, I have been living life in fear of having fun, letting loose, enjoying myself because someone might judge me, have an opinion of me, may deem my choice as bad. As I have said, these fears are rooted in real experiences, as that which I fear has been reinforced, engrained in me over and over and over again. Now that I see this, I am aware and it requires ALL of my attention to switch the negative thought pattern, to reestablish paths in my mind- to set things straight- it is okay to have fun. It is more that okay to have fun. Actually, it is more than okay to have fun. These patterns are so engrained that the feelings come quick, they sneak up on me- like the cloak over my head and I am swirled up in shame, blame, self- judgement and self-doubt. It requires immense attention and a focused intention to shift this pattern in the moment. It also requires forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness.

Acknowledge. Accept. Forgive.

A few weeks back I was reading a magazine and learned that the Black Crows were playing on the Summer Stage at the Stone Pony. Crows have been speaking to me and I thought, why not. GO. This would be a very spontaneous event for me and a huge step- to go to a concert by myself. By myself. So, as my heart raced (which I am learning is a signal to say yes, do this- step out of your comfort zone, live rather than be stuck in fear and sucked into worry and doubt) I purchased the ticket.

I arrived at the venue and did some self-talk- you have been to a concert before, it is okay to be here alone, you have done things alone before. I caught myself feeling self-conscious, worried and scared as I walked on the boardwalk before the show. What is this, I asked myself, you have traveled in the world alone and you are fearful, here, now. What arose was- what will folks think of me… as soon as I caught that thought I smiled. Yes, yes, this is connected to the other thread- living and making decisions based on what other people think of me. Right, I thought, it is all connected, all of this is connected.

As I made my way through the crowd, I reminded myself that I am taking big steps. Each small step is actually a huge step. As the opening band ended, they began to clear the stage and set it for the Black Crows. I stood. I watched. What I saw had me in awe, absolute awe. One of the stage crew was carrying Nataraj- a murti of the dancing form of Shiva. Yes, yes, yes. For this alone I am meant to be here. For me to see this, this is why I came. Nataraj- the dancing form of Shiva, who dances on the demon/ignorance surrounded by a ring of fire in the burning grounds. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot make this up!

I made my way to that side of the stage in awe. Nataraj, who symbolizes the choice to live this life as a dance rather than a burden. What an incredible offering to receive, as I showed up to a concert all by myself. Choosing to live. To enjoy. To dance. To sing. To celebrate. To have fun. To experience pleasure. To experience delight. To feel free. To be free. To actually be free from constraints of my mind, thoughts that I think others may or may not have of me. What does it matter? Really though, what does it matter?

This is what I am softening into to, this notion that for so long I have lived my life according to what others think I should do, how my life should be, accepting judgements and shame for the choices that I make.

I am not bad.

I am not wrong.

I am not irresponsible.

Me being me is not bad.

Me being me is not wrong.

Me being me is not being irresponsible.

I am not being punished by some invisible person sitting in a chair in the clouds watching my every move, making a tick on a list when, according to some one, some system or some organization I have done something good or bad.

Good or bad according to who? Whose standards have I been focused on? Whose way of life have I been living or trying to live up to? See this is the thing - when we live our lives for someone outside of ourselves, we will always be let down and always let someone down because we cannot live to someone else’s standard or expectation- it’s not possible. Someone will always have an opinion, judge, have some sort of view or comment about what we do.

What we can do is rise, step aside and as a witness observe these behaviors as they are happening or reflect after, to that see that this not ours and not let it impact us. I am seeing, again, another layer revealed to not let others interfere with my being. My, when I pause to think about how much energy I have diverted and given to try to live up to someone else’s view of me, to fit into to a mold of how they want me to be, to live… wow. This is something that I do, less frequently now, but did all of the time. I was exhausted. Spent. Drained. Tired. Until I became aware. Now that I am aware, I have a choice. I can choose if I want to respond when someone says something to try to shame me or place blame on me. I can choose if I want to wear their opinion like a comfy sweater, familiar and known, or I can say no thank you. No thank you, your opinion, your view, your judgement of me is not aligned with who I am, how I perceive myself and what I know to be true to me. No thank you, this is yours, not mine and I am returing it to the sender, the originator of the thought, opinion- giving it back to you. I am no longer taking off- loads and others stuff. I am done with that.

The more and more I get to know me, the more and more I am able to stand firm and not allow the events of life impact me and throw me off course. The more and more I access the truth of who I am, the more connected and confident I am in me, in knowing that life is happening for me - actually happening through me and each action, each interaction, each choice is an opportunity for me to learn and grown.

A big step. A small step. A huge step.

A step at a time.

That is what we do, take one step. One step at a time.

Step. Step. Step.

Love you,