Anchoring Myself

What is it that I am resisting?

What am I afraid of?

Why am I scared?

What am I resisting?

Why am I afraid?

What am I scared of?

I set these questions as the intentions of my day. To sit with, to be with all that arises when I hold these questions with me as I carry myself throughout my day.

A thought entered my mind while I bent down to pick up a pan. An answer came while I was preparing my lunch:

“Because you are not enough as you are. You have to do more, be more, accomplish more. Have a job, make money, be independent and self sufficient.”

Do you notice the thoughts that you have?  They are interesting to notice.  I used to not be aware that thoughts were happening all of the time in my mind. I used to not be aware that my mind was in constant dialogue. Constant narration. I was so accustomed to this, I thought it was normal. And it is, I am not alone in having thoughts, having a running monologue in my mind. So, in a sense it is normal. Until I became aware and able to distance my self from these thoughts and notice them. It was then, that things began shifting for me.

I’m sure I have had this constant narration happening in my mind for my entire life. The awareness of this, these thoughts that are mine and not at the same time, came to be one day during frog pose. This was many years back now, maybe six, maybe seven, maybe eight. The actual timing is not relevant, it is what occurred that shifted me. 

I decided that I would embark on a 10-day commitment. Ten consecutive days of yoga.  It was here, during these times when I had to be flexible working with the classes that were available to me based on my work schedule. In the short time I found myself gravitating towards the same classes which were all flow based.  When I was unable to attend the class I set forth to take, it was suggested that I try a Yin class, a slower class where we hold poses. To be clear, I would go to yoga and get on my mat to breathe. That is what brought me to the classes, I had to breathe. In order to move, I had to breathe and I was taught to match my breath to my movements. Back in these times, I rarely breathed. Or at the very least, took a conscious breath in. At this time in my life, breathing was something my body did that I never paid attention to.  What I really enjoyed was savasana, when at the end of class I would lay on my back with my eyes closed and breathe.  Nothing in the world mattered in those moments. I would stay there for as long as I was able. It was a gift.

Embracing newness, I entered the class. It was warm, the lights were low. The teacher’s voice was melodic and I was enjoying myself. Until I entered frog pose. I was told we would be here, holding the pose for some time. It was that moment, in that moment when I really became aware of my mind for the first time. It was in constant narration. This is hard. When can I get out? Why does this hurt? How much time has passed? When will this be over?

Now I say, this was not new for my mind. It flowed with ease asking questions, making statements, wanting to divert and distract, avoid and attest. My mind was in its happy place, doing what it does, and had done best. Narrate. Race. Talk. Fill the space with its thoughts.  It was here, when I realized it was not serving me. In that moment, my mind racing from thought to thought, trying to make sense, trying to get out of pose (which I could have done at any moment, but my mind told me I would be giving up and that others would look at me and see me as not strong and someone who gave up), telling me I was in pain and discomfort, I became aware that my thoughts were not serving me. They were not helping me or the event I was in. These thoughts were actually making the moment worse.

I have always had a thing with time. In fact, in my high school yearbook I left my sister ‘time.’ I was infatuated with time, concerned that there was not enough and that I would be late- which is funny to type now, because I have such a different concept of time that I am often late. As my practice on my mat continued, I began to notice the thoughts expand. Now they were saying things like, you have endured so much pain, why can you not handle 30 seconds in this posture? You have lived through harder things than this, why would you give up now?

While I was aware of these thoughts, it did not occur to me that they were self-sabotaging. Again, I thought these thoughts were normal and a natural, every moment, constant experience.  Until I met myself though the practice of mediation. Once I became aware of my thought and was experiencing the power of my thoughts I had been told, “let your thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky.” Or “Notice your thoughts like an airplane flying and land the airplane.” “Allow the thoughts of your mind to flow like cars on a road.” “Picture your thoughts floating on a leaf downstream.” It was so frustrating I would become angry with myself. Here is another thing I cannot get, do right. The awareness of the negative self-talk increased its reach, creeping in, showing up in every moment. And there was nothing I could do about it. It was tiring. Being me was exhausting.

Up until I found an actual practice, rooted in techniques.  Through consistent practice, I became and now am aware of my thoughts and I know that I am not my thoughts. For me, my journey consisted of actual practice, showing up daily, using the techniques, accessing the embedded technology. Reading a book and being talked to was not enough. I actually had to develop a practice and a commitment to this practice. Which I eventually began to see, was a commitment to me.

Now, most often, I can catch my thoughts. I hear them. I am aware of them. I notice the feeling they stir up and evoke within my body. Sometimes my mind narrates for some time, and then I catch on. Others, like the one that happened moments ago when I bent down to get a pan from a low shelf, I catch.

What do I do, you may be asking. What do I do when I catch the thought? I shift the thought to something else, most often a mantra, switching up and changing the pattern, the vibration. From negative, self-negating, self-sabotaging, self-doubt to positivity.

Sometimes, this does not work. Sometimes the familiar pull, the loop of repeat is playing and I have been so consumed by the thoughts that I am not aware until I have been brought into a spiral and the pull is strong. In these moments, I call a friend or sit for a deeper practice. And sometimes I write. Which is what I am doing now.

So, why am I scared? What am I scared of? What am I resisting? What am I fearful of? What is here, lurking, lingering waiting to be seen. I say this, because I feel its presence, I am aware of how it is showing up in my body. It is here wanting attention. Instead of feeding it, by giving attention, I am inviting it to be seen. What is hidden just below the surface? What is this feeling rooted to, connected to, stuck on, being held by?

This idea of “enough.”

For those of you who know me, you know this is not new. This is a constant battle that I fight. This fight within the confines of my mind, this story that I have taken on as mine, this story that says, “I am,” No, you know what? It does not begin with, “I am…” It says “YOU.” “You are not enough. You being you. Doing what you are doing day in and day out is not enough. You must do more. Give more. Work more. Contribute more. Participate more.”

This is it. This is how I know I am not my mind, because it does not say, I. No, it does not say, I. My mind says, YOU. Which shows, which verifies for me that I am not my mind!  I am not my mind! I am not my mind! I am not the thoughts that show up in my mind! I am not the thoughts that are generated in my mind! My mind is something that I have. Since I have it, I am aware of it and I can control it, rather than allowing it to control me.

So then, what am I afraid of? I am afraid of accessing the real me. The me, beyond the stories of my mind. The stories that are designed to keep me small, in fear, controlled. The stories that are limiting, narrowing and restricting. The stories that have been told to me, have been fed to me throughout my experiences in life. These stories that I willfully picked up, placed in my bag and carried. Identifying with. Accepting. Knowing no other. Knowing no other option.

UNTIL NOW.

I say now a lot, and each time I say now, it is now. For early in this piece, I say, with a strong knowing that I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts. And yet, each moment I have this awareness, this clarity brings me to a new now. A new understanding. A stronger foundation. A deeper rooting. A more expansive view.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I see. I am taught to be afraid of myself. To not sit with myself, to be alone with myself. I am conditioned to do, to produce, to perform. I have been conditioned to look elsewhere for my worth. To look to others projections of me, interpretations of me. To look at images and numbers on screens and on paper to determine my worth. To tell me if I am good or bad, fat or skinny, accepted or excluded, liked or hated, in good standing or not.

Yes. Yes. Yes. This knowing is becoming stronger. This knowing is becoming more consistent. I am becoming stable in this knowing. Anchored in this truth.

Wahoo!

Allowing myself to be anchored in this knowing, knowing that I will be rocked by the wakes and waves of life.

So it is.

Hari Om Tat Sat

Sara