The Lotus is Born Here

All of this is arising for me to see.

Reminded that the lotus grows, thrives in the muck, this is where she is born, where she extends her roots, where she begins to rise, opening her petals untouched by this dark water from which she emerged.

I began a Forgiveness Sadhana on November 11th. I knew early this summer that forgiveness was arising, the need to look at that which I have been holding on to, to stories I have been telling myself, the hook in which I allow all of this to hang on.  Yes, forgiveness was a word that I knew I would become familiar with. A concept that I would become intimate with. Yet I did not know what forgiveness was, what it required. I simply knew that it was necessary so I planted seeds with Lisa back in July as if I could forsee the storm I would be walking into.

What is forgiveness?  I ask myself, what is my understanding of forgiveness? I will forgive you, but I will not forget. I used to say these things. Forgiving was always something I was told to do for another. I never saw it as action that I would take for myself. I forgive you. Okay, I can say those words. What is behind them? Is there any meaning, any connection, any thing?  I think they were hollow, empty. Not because I was mean or didn’t care, simply because it was something I was told to do, felt I should do to release my guilt, to release my shame or attachment. I was told, if you say, I forgive you, then everything will be okay. I did not have an experience with forgiveness, I did not have a connection with it, it did not make sense, it was more of an action taken because I was told to, rather than an action that I desired to do. Not that I did not want to forgive, it simply had no meaning. It was empty, the words were empty because I was told to do rather than taught to understand, to have an experience with forgiveness.

For forgiveness is way more than these three words, I forgive you or I forgive myself. On the surface, yes, it is this, it is these words. Yet once you take the dive you really experience how vast the act of forgiving is.

I see now how complex the act of forgiveness is.  No, actually it is quite simple. The idea of it, the nature of it is simple. It becomes complex when I see how deeply intertwined and connected the things I want to forgive are- woven tight, knotted, a bundle, a tangle. One that require patience to undo, to unravel. Over, under, around, back the other way, over, no under, under to the left, then wrap around the top… Oh wow, this undoing requires total commitment and focus. While all the same time it requires me to surrender the desire to know, to fix, to figure out. Undoing requires me to trust my practice.

When I say I forgive myself for being angry and I begin to unpack this, asking questions to deepen my understanding of my anger and to get to the root, I see how vast the network of connection is- connecting to memories, events, stories, positionalities, beliefs about myself.

Let’s give it a go. I will share the dialogue in my mind when I engage with this forgiving of myself for being angry. (Note, this is happening in real time as I type. I had no plan on where this would go or lead…)

I forgive myself for being angry.

What really does that mean?

I forgive myself for getting wrapped up, tangled up, caught up in the emotion of anger.

How did you get wrapped up?

I lost my sense of self and stepped in to a role of wanting something other than what was being offered for me.

What are you saying?

I got angry, frustrated because I wanted to be there, not here. I wanted to have a different experience of life than the one I was having.

So you wanted to escape?

Yes, in a sense. But not really. I like the idea of what was being presented. What I could see from the outside and at times events in my life were challenging me and I thought that if I was there then I would not be experiencing these challenges.

Why would you rather have other experiences than the ones you are having?

Because I get tired, it feels hard. It requires effort and commitment and I think being somewhere else would be easier.

Oh, so you want easy?

HAHA. No, no I do not want easy. I know easy. I know that path. I’ve been there. I do not want that which I already know, I want new. I want new experiences; I want to grow.

Isn’t that what is happening here, you growing? You know growing is not always seamless. Growing requires energy and effort.

Yes, I know I am growing. At times it feels like, for what? Why? But then I am reminded that I am growing, I am outgrowing the familiar patterns, they ways in which I have been interacting with that which is happening around me, that which is happening within me. I am doing this because I want to grow, I want to expand.

Are you actually angry then?

No. At the root I am not angry. It is more of a frustration with myself that I get into when I forget why I am doing what I am doing, when I forget my intention. And me being here, right now is providing me opportunities for me to see that which I have been holding on to, that which I have been allowing to limit me.

Okay, bringing us full circle, what are you forgiving yourself for?

I forgive myself for forgetting my truth. I forgive myself for thinking that I am supposed to be someone other than me. I forgive myself for thinking that I am supposed to be living a life other than the one I am living. I forgive myself for wanting to be somewhere else. I forgive myself for not trusting that all of this will continue to work out, as it always has. For every moment in my life has brought me here. The moments when I attempted to control and the moments in which I was guided. All of it is resulting with me being here.

This is fun, let’s try another one.

I forgive myself for snapping, for reacting rather than not speaking or responding in a kinder way.

Okay, so you wish you would have done something different…

Yes, always. No, that is not true. I would not say I have regrets; I do not think that is true, that doesn’t resonate with me. It’s more that I know when I react it comes from a place of being maxed out, tired, when I feel I am alone, not supported, when I feel attacked, like life is against me.

Well, we cannot go back in time, we have only now. So, what can you do now?

I can accept that I snapped, that I reacted and that I said things which in the moment felt like the right thing to say, but looking back now, I wish I wouldn’t have.

Okay, what are you accepting?

I accept my actions. My words. That which I have said. How I reacted in the moment. I accept this. I forgive myself for this.

It feels like there is more you want to say…

Yes. It sucks. I know my words impact others. I know my actions impact others as well. I am not saying this from a place of power or control, of all knowing or being better. I share this from experience, I know folks have said things to me and from my place, my position, I received them. And at times I felt like I did something wrong to deserve them. Now, knowing what I know now, I know that my action had nothing to do with the reaction that I received. The reaction came from the other person. It emerged through the other person because that is where they were, and me being me caused something in them to be activated. Somehow, I interpreted me being me as the cause of their reaction. And when I recall events when I have interacted with others, especially children, I do not want them to feel that they did something wrong, that they themselves are wrong or bad or whatever story they connect to as a result of me reacting rather than responding. Because I know now, that I reacted because I lost sense, lost track of who I am and in this place of forgetting my truth, that all is happening for me, I tried to control or escape and it came in the form of reaction, in maybe hurtful words.

Wow. Okay. There is a lot here that has been revealed, unearthed. I see what you mean about how it is all connected, interconnected in a vast network, tangle. Maybe it isn’t a tangle. Maybe the network is being shown to highlight the interconnectedness, to show how it is all related. To show how the stories get easily absorbed and woven into the existing framework. This is the work, this is why we are doing the work, to undo this, so that the stories have nowhere to live, the masks have no place to hang, the narratives do not stick out hooks and barbs. For us to no longer be the glue to allow things to stick. Knowing this, what can you do?

Continue to show up for myself, face myself. To see this, all of this, see these stories, these false narratives, see my attachments, see my hooks, see my role, see my participation in it all.

How do you do that?

Stay the course, commit to my practice, honor my word and my commitment by showing up.

What is forgiveness?

These words came to me the other morning,

May you be at ease with where you are, irrespective of your location.

This seems clear. Forgiveness is being at ease. At ease with all that was, for all that was is bringing all that is, here now.

Do not get me wrong, sometimes forgiveness is showing up like a clenched fist, a tight jaw, nausea, extreme nausea, strained eyes, resistance, exhaustion, the familiar enough already, how much can one endure?

And in the same breath, I keep going, not wanting to carry these burdens any longer. Last week, while I got my booster shot, the nurse administering it said, you have strong biceps, you must be working out. I laughed, responding, “no it is the heavy burdens I have been carrying around.” So, it is this desire to no longer carry, to put down the burdens and weight of it all that stokes the fire, the fire I tend to in my belly, the fire I give breath to ignite, to burn.

I have been saying projection for some time, at least in my journal, how at the very least I have felt that folks project their stories on me and see me only for these projections.  It occurred to me today, that I also have projections and these projections are just like the projectors. An image is generated in my mind, some story about how someone has hurt me or is out to get me, how they have excluded me or shunned me and then I use this lens to see them. I project this image, this image that I created in my mind of them, on them. They become the screen that holds the projection, and when I am projecting, I do not see them for who they are, I only see them as a screen and what I am projecting on them.

For me, forgiveness is seeing, being aware and then acknowledging my part in this projection. Taking responsibility for my role, for my participation in creating, fabricating this story, this narrative that I believe to be real, so real that it becomes my truth. I see this as I am being projected on and when I project.

I make it personal; I make it about me. My desire to know, to make sense, to understand drives these stories. My mind generates stories to defend, explain and justify its positionality, its stance. And the more I spend time in this place, the stronger it gets reinforced.

I am reminded that I have a choice. I can choose to continue to live in ways that are familiar to me, staying in this space of ever repeating known. I can choose to love (yes, I typed this when I meant to type live and it really is aligned for I can choose to live in love and trust, rather than live in a place of wanting to control). I can choose to live in love, live as love, in total alignment knowing that I am here for a reason, here to be me, the unique, individual expression of me. In me being me, I can express the way I am meant to express, share that which I am meant to share.

I have made the decision to know myself fully and this desire to know is the fuel that drives me to not return to my same old ways I have been and meet new aspects of myself.

And I am reminded that the lotus grows, thrives in this muck, the thick of it all. This is where she is born. It is here where she extends her roots, where she sets her foundation and begins to rise.

For giving is only possible if we are able to receive.

Forgiving is only possible if we are able to receive.

Arising for me now, is this knowing, knowing that I am becoming more and more aware of how for so long I have lived disconnected from my body, disconnected meaning not in tune with my own power and for so long I have given up that power, for so long I have given that power over to others. I see how my practice and awareness is really awakening me to these opportunities to step in, to stand, to claim my power, my strength, my capacity, my capabilities and it is beautiful to know that there is an alignment and it feels so necessary.

Peace, the greatest act of love.

To dissolve all negative emotions.

Acceptance of self

                     of all that has occurred

                     of all that has taken place

                     of all that has happened

Acceptance of self

                     for all that has occurred

                     for all that has taken place

                     for all that has happened

Acceptance of self for there is no other

Peace towards others

Peace within

Being with all that is

Being with all this is arising

I forgive myself

I forgive you

I forgive myself forgetting my truth

I forgive myself for carrying my baggage in to situations

I forgive myself for not knowing

I forgive myself for blindly believing that which has been told to me

I forgive myself for not knowing and feeling I needed to know

I forgive myself for forgetting that I am whole and enough

I forgive myself for needing

I forgive myself for seeking

I forgive myself for hiding from myself

I forgive myself for numbing

I forgive myself for not always acting, responding in the way I want or feel I should

I forgive myself for what I have said and cannot go back to change

I forgive myself for what I have done to my body

I forgive myself for what I have allowed in my body

I forgive myself for what I have allowed to be done to my body

I forgive myself for not knowing how powerful I am

I forgive myself for not knowing how capable I am

I forgive myself for not knowing how strong I am

I forgive myself for not knowing that I am a force

I forgive myself for not knowing that I have a voice

I forgive myself for not standing up for myself, for what is right and best for me

I forgive myself for not speaking up and asking questions

I forgive myself for feeling I needed to be anyone other than me.

Bowing my head in gratitude,

Sara