You Are Not The Boss Of Me

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Can you hear my 13-year-old self screaming this at the top of my lungs and then slamming my door with all of my might and anger? Oh, the power of force that arises when I feel opposed. It is so strong.

I have been allowing a lot of anger to rise and flow through me, anger that I have stored away. For what? I have not fully grasped. Maybe because I was not supposed to feel it, show emotion, show that I let anything get to me. Maybe I felt I was supposed to rise above, be beyond the low jabs and hurtful comments that were said to exercise power and control. Maybe because I was exhausted and deflated, feeling defeated after years of fighting for myself and standing up for myself in the ways I knew how to at the time.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

What matters now, is that stuff is moving, flowing, arising, bubbling up. I am working with it, encouraging it actually. So many of the recorded practices that I am drawn towards or that are choosing me have to do with Manipura, my navel center- strength, willpower, tenacity, steadfastness. This power within. This inner knowing. This inner capacity to be with what is. All. Of. The. Time.

So, it is not really a surprise to me, when last night as I laid in bed, I found these words arising.

“You are not the boss of me!”

If you would like to listen to what I recorded, you can do so here:

If you would rather read, this is what I said:

“I have been contemplating and reflecting on a thread that I’m noticing that’s around me. Where I can think of four people who have spoken to me about work dynamics- which really comes down to dynamics about power, authority and control and I, as I’m laying here I just remembered that when I was a kids or you hear kids saying, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Ha. Ha.

Then, who is.

If someone outside of me is not the boss of me, then who is?

And what came was,

I am my own boss.

And I make choices and decisions and I am the only one I have to answer to.

No one else.

No one outside of me controls me

No one outside of me has any authority over me and my choices

And I can see how it has been a tendency, very easy to place authority to other people, because it feels like a big responsibility for myself.

And maybe that’s one of the things that’s been holding me- that I don’t want the responsibility.

I think it’s easy. I’ve seen myself do it, to place blame, to off load, so much of this work has been to face myself and take total responsibility for me and my choices, my actions, my thoughts, my decisions.

And this is another layer.

As my view widens I see this.

Or maybe it narrows to a single pointed focus of me able to see that.

No one else is the boss of me.

And since that is true, then that means that I have to take total responsibility for everything, even the stuff that I don’t like.  And that is where I meet myself.

Forgiveness.

A space of acceptance.

I suppose before you can really forgive, you need to accept.”

Sallie offered me a different perspective to this idea that I stuffed away and didn’t feel. Opening up me up to a space to see that when we give over our power, give up our power or feel powerless, it is normal to not feel- to have our emotions blocked. Because we are so focused on how we are supposed to feel and be based on someone else’s view of us and how that might impact or effect or set off the others around us, we shy away and become invisible, not expressing needs and or wants. Which is also deeply connected to wanting to feel connected and bonded.

There is so much here. So much here it feels dense and heavy. So much of my work I am seeing revolves around me and relationships. How do I carry myself, how do I be myself in relationships with others….  And the opening line to this piece, the title even speaks to how I have carried myself for years- feeling deep inside that someone else, someone outside of me is NOT the boss of me, yet hustling for connection and bonding in relationships that I override these inner calls, sensations and feelings.

So, who then do I need to be accepting of, compassionate with. Who do I need to forgive?

Me and me only.

Oh, this is deep, deep inner work.

Ah, to be with this.

With a hug,

S