Intersection of Gentle Street

I found myself at the intersection on Gentle Street, literally. At first, I was struck by the name and now, as time passes I find myself reflecting on not only the name of the street or how I arrived there, I catch myself contemplating its significance.

I have lived a majority of my life dependent on outside sources.  When I speak to dependency I mean, I have relied on outside sources to determine, tell and define my inner state and well-being. For those of you that know me and read the inner workings of my mind, you are familiar with my experiences with the threads connected to acceptance, inclusion, rejection, exclusion, approval and fitting in (to name a few).

I used to be scared of people. This realization came to me when I crossed a bridge recently- yes it is both a literal awareness and a figurative one. While I have been scared of actual people, the realization uncovered while walking is that this is not directly related to the actual person per se, more about how they would react to me, something I did or said and sometimes what they think I would do. This fear defined my interactions, so much so that I withdrew, I would shy away and not speak up, share or defend. Instead, I would sit there and take whatever was thrown at me, thinking it was mine, that I in some way caused the person to act and react in whatever way they did and out of fear, I would avoid this at all costs. What this avoidance actually did was cost me my life. I would only act, share or say something if I knew I was going to receive a response that felt safe and accepting, rather than shaming or shunning. I became a shell of a person, a shell of me. Empty.

I lived like this for a long while. I am not sure when I actually stopped fearing individuals, I know it has happened gradually with time. It has grown as my relationship with myself has expanded,  with an awareness that I am not responsible for anyone else except me.  This is a huge understanding to come to, for it also means that I am only responsible for the way things are, the way I am. Yes. I am responsible for me and how things are. I am responsible for how I perceive life, how I interact with others, how I respond. I am responsible for what I say and what I do not say, what I do and what I do not do.

This way of living has been a subtle yet profound shift. I cannot locate a date or time, a specific moment or event that marks this change, yet I know it is here. I cannot locate a trace in my journal, there is not picture that marks a change in my face or way I carry myself. What is here though, is a noticeable change within, how I live my life and how I interact with life.

Which brings me to another change, I know that I am life itself. How life is can only be the way I am. I am the eyes that experience life, I am the very being that is living this life, my life. So life can only be the way I am. How I see life, how I interact with life is dependent on me. Not on anyone outside of me.  This is a huge cognitive shift. I used to outsource the status of my life to other people. How I was, was dependent on how they were. If they were ignoring me, I would hide. If they appeared angry or irritated, I would remove myself and be quiet. If they were pleasant and I felt safe, I would emerge from behind my protective shield, showing a glimpse of the true me. I shut of parts and pieces of myself to reduce the type of interaction that I had with another, again, out of fear.  Until I realized that the way they are has nothing to do with me, that I am life itself, so however I perceive life is the way I am. This knowing, its presence came slowly, it became brighter and brighter until it was the only things I could see.  I used to blame others if I was shy, scared, wanted to coward, hide or remove. This built a wall around me, a wall of protection as well as a wall of resentment. I stopped living in the moment, I was so focused on what had happened in the past that I would limit my interactions with the hopes of controlling my environment to prevent the future from happening.

Somewhere it dawned on me that I did not have to live that way. That life is meant to be lived fully, not in parts or pieces. That I am responsible for how I view life, that I have this choice, the choice to live life the way I want to live, to see life the way I want to live. My life does not have to look like someone else’s life. My life does not have to be lived according to how someone else wants it to be or thinks it should be. While I am not able to locate a time in my life where this profound shift occurred, I know this awareness is huge and it has had a noticeable impact on the way I carry myself, the way I interact with life itself. If I do not like something, I have the choice on how I want my inner state to be. My inner state is not dependent on the outer environment. I know this because I pay attention to my body, it gives subtle or not so subtle messages to me that I now am aware of and tune in to. It is a practice that requires a lot of attention and focus. It also requires acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself and others and acceptance that while I cannot control what happens outside of me, I take full responsibility for my inner state and how I am inside is up to me and no one else.

Which brings me to Gentle Street, I found myself there on the verge of a huge shift in my life. This is a moment that I can recall. The next day, when I walked back to the intersection and sat, recalling the events that had transpired in the last 48 hours. I found my body soften, relax. I exhaled deeply, reminding myself, life can only be the way I am. In that moment, I realized it was much more than what had just happened. That was a result of everything that came before it. It was every moment, every step, every thought, every action. And gratitude was the feeling I touched there on the intersection of Gentle Street. I was grateful. Full of gratitude. Grateful for what was being shown, for what was revealed, for what was uncovered. Grateful for how I showed up, how I responded, what I said and the actions I took. No longer hiding, no longer cautious or worried about what someone else thought of me. For what I found in that moment, was, what mattered more was my relationship with myself, how I viewed myself, how I carried myself through life’s moments, the ones that come full of grace, bliss and ease as well as the ones that come with pain, agony and grief. The ones full of laughter and joy and the ones in which I cry until there is no more sound. Yes, all of these moments are gifts, opportunities unfolding, happening for me to grow, for me to learn, to evolve. So, as I travel along this path on this journey of life, I know I can be kind and gentle with myself. If I forget, because I often do, I know eventually I will cross paths with Gentle Street. An invitation to sit and pause - in total surrender, knowing, knowing fully that ALL that is happening is for me and there is nothing else for me to do, except simply be me.

Meeting you here, at this crossroads to sit and be with you,

Sara