Stop the World and Let Me Off — sara lynn lashbrook

Stop the world and let me off, I’m tired of going round and round.

These are the words that were with me when I opened my eyes this morning. Words I have heard sung by Waylon Jennings.

I am tired. I tired of being me. Tired of being activated. Tired of being seen as a provocateur, as one that stirs the pot.

I am simply being me.

This is a long, long, standing thread. Colleagues used to tell me that the word around town was that I was difficult to work with. I have always seen myself from the perspective that I speak the truth, even when the truth is hard to face. I have come to realize that not everyone wants to see the truth and in some way or another, me being me stirs up this emotional aspect within someone. And I am tired of it. I am tired of being on the receiving end of their stuff.

I am tired of being seen as confrontational. Tired of being seen a malicious or wanting to engage in a power struggle. Tired of being in this space with others. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of folks making projections of me and my desires or what drives me. It is exhausting. I am exhausted and I want to run, hide, quit, remove myself, go away forever and live alone by myself, with no need to interact with anyone other than me- me who I have come to know and for the most part expect. Me, whom I can handle and navigate, rather than others who show up and provoke me, who light me up.

I know that what I do to them is exactly what they do for me- it is reciprocal as most things are.

I know that what is being shown is an opportunity to find my way through this, for me to learn, to grow, to open up spaces within. I get it all on a cognitive, mind level and even with this knowing I am done. Exhausted. Tired. I have no more energy for it. It is draining. I feel as if I am leaking my energy, focusing on things or areas that I have NO CONTROL over so it feels fruitless, pointless. And, as I type I acknowledge the opportunity that is here, that is offering growth. The opportunities that are presented here for me rise up, to see beyond. To strengthen my resolve. To access my willpower and inner strength. I do, I see these opportunities and I am tired. Tired of doing this, engaging in and with this. This, which seems to go on and on forever. When is it going to end?

Hence, the words sung by Waylon Jennings in my inner mind this morning-

Stop the world and let me off. I am tired of going round and round.

I am tired of being seen by others in ways in which I am not. Tired of finding others trying to pull me into power struggles when it was never my intention. Tired of not having others around me speak up or stand up for me.

I am done.

I know in the past folks would get tired of me. Those deep exhales in staff meetings paired with the inner thoughts of “why doesn’t she drop this, why won’t she let this go?” I know, folks would even go talk to my principal to express their discomfort and ill ease- never to me. Always to someone else. I know that I can be a lot. I know this because I am the one who lives with myself, I am the one who is always here. I cannot escape myself; I know this because I have tried. Which is why I want to go, to leave, to live alone- holed up as a hermit, in isolation because it is easier to deal with myself then having to navigate the wide world of others and their shit, because let’s be honest- a majority of us do not look at ourselves, many of us do not know ourselves. They do not know what lights them up and brings them down, they are so disconnected with themselves that they go around thinking it is everyone, anyone else’s problem. Never theirs. They take no responsibility for their own shit, the shit that they are putting out and instilling in those around them.

I am doing the work. Why aren’t others? I am tired of having to interact with others who do not see themselves and the role they play, how they create and participate. It is so easy to put it off, push it off, the easy story of blame- to blame someone else rather than take responsibility. I am tired of being the scapegoat. I am tired of being the one who gets dumped on.

Yes, yes. I know. I cannot get dumped on if I am not willing to receive. You don’t think I know this. I know this is a vicious cycle of giving and getting, of reciprocity. This is a huge thread, a huge narrative that I have taken on over the years. And it is taking a LOT, a whole lot of energy and attention to shed. It is exhausting. I am tired. I am depleted. I want to put in the towel and say I am done. I am out. Tapping out. Done. When did I sign up for this? It is not something that I am willingly doing. I am not showing up to fight you, to be malicious. I am not being me as a confrontation. I am simply being me. I know no other way.

I have responded. I have reacted. I have spoken up. I have stood up. I have walked away. I have silenced myself. I have sat and taken it, heard the lies you tell, the lies you spread. And now, I am still trying to figure out what to do. This is it. This is the great invitation: How to be me in this world, especially around those who see me in ways that I do not see myself?

I read this quote by the Mother yesterday,

“When you have started, you must go to the very end. Sometimes to people who come to me in a surge of enthusiasm I say, “Think it over, it is not an easy path. It will take time, it will need patience. You will need endurance, much perseverance and courage and untiring goodwill. Look and see if you are capable of having all this, and then start. But once you have started, it is decided: there is no going back anymore. You must go to the very end.”

This goes back far, far back. I can recall my first grade teacher sharing that I get upset with others are treated unfairly. This passion, this drive is embedded within me. I cannot take it out. I cannot snuff it out. I cannot remove it. I try to shield myself; I try to hide it. I try to stuff it in and not speak up and when I do this, the very actions I am trying to do to help myself, to support myself wrecks havoc on my nervous system and my mind.

I really do not know what else to do.

I am tired of being me.

The next words that come are “I can’t change, even if I wanted to.” You know these words, from Same Love, the song by Maklemore and Ryan Lewis. This is how I am wired. This is how I am created. This is what I have cultivated. I care. Yes, I care. And this caring is the root at my pain and challenges. This caring is at the root of my passion and drive. This caring is at the root of me. It is the strength that bolsters me, it is this strength that limits. My greatest gift is my weakness.

Why can we not see others for who they are?

What I am acknowledging, as I feel tears well up in my eyes and a sharp pain in my chest, is that I am ready to put down these limiting stories and see myself from another perspective, see myself from a different lens. Rather than being seen as confrontational and stirring stuff up as a problem, I am going to embrace being provocative by my very nature, shaking up the status quo, that same old day in a day out, the repetitive patterns of sameness, because they are easy, because it is known. I am going to go on continuing to point out the small, limiting ways, reduced ways we have been accustomed to look at the world and of the children who are in it because I care.

It is that simple.

I am asking us to look because I care.

In some way, that is why I am here. This is the work I have been invited to do by simply being me. Because I care,