Ain't No Stopping Me Now

It’s midnight and I am up. My body is up. My mind is racing, or is it? It is attempting to make sense, to grasp at something to understand what is happening and why.

When I know it is bigger than my mind can comprehend.

And I am feeling this. This, something. The weight, the energy. My body is communicating. It is not grounded. It feels unsettled. Jittery.  Different than the sensations from earlier, earlier years when I found the sensations mostly in my chest. Now it is throughout my body.

It is shock. Shock. A piece of it is shock. Shock from the reaction that I got when I spoke up, when I stood up and spoke up, which I did out of love. Of myself and for others. I stepped. I stepped in love. Away from fear and into love. It felt like I had no other choice.

It didn’t feel good to not say anything, to keep in what wanted to be expressed out of fear of how it would be received. It didn’t feel good to not say anything, to hold in what I wanted to say because I knew the response, I knew the outcome.

My body knows. It knows this feeling of being ostracized. Shunned. Removed. My body is familiar with this, my cells know. They remember.

They are also the ones that are signaling, shouting, shaking me awake- do something they announce with fervor. Do something. No longer can you sit idle.

Which is funny, because I have not been sitting idle. I have been actively working to find ways to communicate- to express, to ask questions, to convey, to share.  And I am reminded again and again that how something is received is beyond my control- even when I strive to be mindful of the word choice and how I approach something.

And for what? For what I am asking myself. Because me being me, me speaking what is necessary to be said, me sharing what is “the elephant in the room” has never been received well. Never. And time and time again, I am placed in these situations in which I feel I have no other choice than to act, to speak, to step.

Fear is here. I feel it. It is lurking, showing up in its sinister way. Seated in the front row, watching, judging how I perform, how I respond.

I want to crawl into a hole and stay there. At times I feel so alone. Breaking this pattern, forging a path into and through these brambles and tangled woods that lay before me. Off the beaten path, the well-known familiar dance of dancing around a topic, not wanting to offset or offend. Thinking that all can be covered up and hidden.  Thinking that others cannot see.

And that is the crazy making. Because the elephant is standing there. Right here, for all to see.

Except, I am really learning now, that you can only see that which you are willing and ready to see. When you are not willing to see, you cannot see. Everyone around you can see, but you cannot, because you are not ready, shielded, protected, hidden by your own story and narrative, by your own fear.

Somehow, I continue to be the bearer of the news, the news that no one wants to hear, or see. The truth that wants to remain covered up, buried, out of sight from others.

What is ironic is that everyone can see. It’s actually not hidden. It is all here in plain sight. Invisible only in the mind of-what is the story, about the Emperor and His Clothes? It’s like this. Where everyone can see, except him. Or from a different perspective, the story of the Wizard of Oz, where the delusion lies behind the curtain- just because he can’t see out, doesn’t mean that we can’t see in.

I feel alone, even though I know that I am not. I feel alone because I cannot sit idle and not speak. I know. I tried. I have done that for so long. That has been a recurring thread for me. Sit, take, receive, shut up, stuff it in, down, check your place. Who do you think you are speaking to? These words pop into my mind. I am confused, time and time again, because to me, it is blatant, obvious, needed to be said, shared. And often, most often, to the one I speak, they feel attacked, vulnerable, exposed. Pulling back the curtain while saying, “there is nothing to see here.” Yet all I do is see. And once I see, I cannot unsee.

This is the dilemma. This is the confusion in which I sit. How to be me?

For if I do not speak, my body shuts down.

When I do speak, my body shuts down.

How to live? How to be with this?

How to be me? How to be authentic to myself? How to be authentic with myself? How to live in the skin I am in? How to be me, when the very me-ness causes me to be exiled, outcasted, shunned?

You know, as I type this. I feel exiled, outcasted and shunned by the one I have turned and given my power over to. To this one being, in a circle of people. To one point. And I am zeroing in on this one point, when there are 359 other degrees and perspectives to see this from.

I don’t know why I am called to show up and see things. I do not.

What I do know, is that this is a huge thread in my life, engrained in my very being. I say my very being because my body gives me signals, signals that I used to ignore. Signals that I used to numb. Signals that I still attempt to override by saying- I can take this, you can endure this, you made a commitment that you need to keep, honor your word.

You know what, how things look from the outside are very different once you step in and see the behind the scenes. And as I have said, once I see, I cannot unsee. No matter how hard I try. And I know. I have tried to unsee, to pretend, to turn my head, to take a deep breath, to close my eyes.

It is unsustainable. The stuffing. The hiding. The turning a blind eye.

It is crazy making to not address what is out in the open, for all to see.

And what I am experiencing is that it also feels crazy for me to speak what is seen. Because each time I do, I am met with this force that is so strong, so strong it sends vibrations through my body that cause me to uproot and lose my footing and balance.

I know this. I have been here before.

My mind steps in and tries to make sense in a rational kind of way, when there is nothing rational about fear. Nothing is rational about fear. And yet, each time, each and every time, my mind wants to make sense of, to understand what just happened. For as far as it was concerned, I was standing there, solid, taking a step and the flooring got ripped away, a crack opened up in the earth and I fell. Laying on the ground or falling into nothing, looking around wondering what just happened, shaking my head in confusion. Forgetting that each time I speak up, each time I speak up I am met with resistance. Resistance from those who do not want whatever they are working to protect and hide to be seen.

And each time, rising. Each and every time I rise.

Shaken, fractured, confused. Bewildered.

Stronger than before.

For the cracks…  I’ll let the card my sister sent me five years ago speak those words.

And the words that were written inside:

“Did you know that scar tissue is stronger than it was pre-injury? There is a reason for that. Most people will say when you get knocked down you come back stronger and it’s literally true. I know it has been a really hard few years… but I know you’ll come out like a diamond in the end.”

Around that time, the repeating lines to my life at that time were:

Ain’t nobody gonna break my stride.

Ain’t nobody gonna slow me down.

I’ve got to keep on moving.

Interestingly, the words that came, the song that I played on my way to work this week are:

Ain’t not stopping us now

We’re on the move

So here we go, expanding, radiating and sharing out with the world all that wants to be seen and shared- for those who are ready and willing to see.

I continue to be full of gratitude for all that flows to me so I am able to see, acknowledging that what is true to me, what is true for me is not true for another. I accept this.

And what I am learning, with each step I take, is that I choose to live a life that is aligned in truth and action. This alignment is integrity. I am noticing the sensations within, the inner signals from my cells when I am not aligned. I choose to live a life I have reverence for. And to live in this way, in a way of integrity and reverence, I know I must take action.

I stepped out of fear and into love and I am still here.

Ain’t no stopping me now, I am on the move,

Sara