Jaw Dropping, Mouth Wide Open, Giddy with Delight and Laughter

This piece was written around the same time in August, sometime between the 20th and 26th…. so were the paintings

More keeps coming.

I woke this morning holding on to this notion that the teachings are designed to bring me somewhere, to access something. That my practice is a vehicle to get me somewhere. It is more of the same, if I do this (puja, this sadhana, this technique, this set) then this will happen (expansion, growth, vision, seeing beyond the veil, seeing the play). This if/then drives my seeking, my longing. I tell myself, if I do these things, then I will arrive here, be here, experience this. And for me it becomes more of a story of going, deserving, wanting, looking for.  I hear my teacher say come along, come along.  Along to where? Where am I going? I used to be enamored by this, thinking it is so loving, come along, come along. Today I saw it in a new way. I thought there was no where to go. The glow and shimmer are fading. I am aware how it is more of a pattern that grips me. Do this, and this will happen. Staying power is deserving power. Staying in what? Staying in the loop of wanting more, to take more trainings? To deserve what? Status, acceptance in the group? To go somewhere? To arrive at a place?

I could be far off base here, I could. I see this possibility. I also see that this could be real. That this ploy to entice, to play into the vulnerable, the weak- the undercurrent of you are not there until you have accomplished, taken, completed, achieved this status. This is what is arising for me. This is what has gotten my attention in a new way. This is what I see behind the veil.

It’s like the Wizard of Oz, the search for that which you already have, that which is within you. Except you don’t know that yet, because you forgot, so you go on this winding road and come to a glistening place with the idea that this wizard will change you, make you whole. Yet, you encounter those who uphold the secret, that the wizard is not a wizard. He is an ordinary, everyday person like you and me who has crafted a business that is efficient, someone who is a mastermind, someone who knows how to play the game. And that is revealed when the curtain is pulled back for anyone who wants to see. Even when the wizard diverts your attention back to the play, to the production. There is nothing for you to see here…

And that is the deception. That is the illusion. This knowing that something doesn’t feel right, but being told that everything is okay and all right and there is no need to focus any attention on the stories being told. The stories are being told by folks in asura nature, ignorant, out to destroy the façade. That they are bad and telling lies. That they do not know what they are speaking of and that it is their own ignorance that is driving them to speak up. They are then shunned, their comments are removed, they are threatened and they themselves are ostracized from the community- all out of fear that the truth will come out, will be revealed. Energy is given to filling in the cracks, patching up the leaks as the pressure builds. When pressure builds there is the potential for explosion, for eruption. Which causes tension and heightened emotions. The more we ignore, the bigger it grows. It is here, always lurking, ready to push through the cracks, to flow with force.

And here I sit. Navigating my role, my part, my contribution to this. It is showing me that again, I have overridden my intuition, my inner voice, this knowing. That is the power of fear and control. It lives, it feeds off of the need for silence, for power over. It gains strength with the turned eye, with the story that what you see is not true. It strips you of your own power, your own knowing. The grip of the lie is so strong, it is blinding. Allowing you only to see that which they want you to see. The rest is hidden away, or so they think. For when you are an observer, you watch. You witness and pay close attention to that which surrounds you, you are in tune and aware. Picking up on subtle clues that feel like something that is important to note and then you get swept up in the production of it all that you forget. On and on it continues, until one day all of the pieces come together to reveal a picture that you see clearly. One that you can not unsee. Yes, it is here where I sit. In this place where I can see and what I see I can not unsee.

Again, as I mentioned in my previous piece, all of this is pointing me towards myself, to turn inward towards myself and my own wisdom, strength and power- to not seek this from anyone other than me. To reconnect with myself and my inner wisdom. This outward stuff is the vehicle for me to see.

It’s as if a dismantling and a merging are happening simultaneously.  A dismantling of the what, how, when, who, a dissolving of the rigid structure of this, that which I welcome to confine and hold me and a merging of the student and teacher, the mentee and mentor as my friend Corrine beautifully pointed out. It’s remarkable how the mirror view allows me to see. Yes, yes, yes. A dismantling of the rigid holding and definitions that defined me. An undoing so the being can emerge, the merging into one- student and teacher, teacher and student, the mentee and the mentor, the mentor and the mentee.  Yes, I have been a guide. I have been guided. There is no separation now, no duality that keeps these apart. These recent events have led to me see that I am merging into one, no longer holding on to the rigid distinction or labels of having to be or the other. I can be both. I am both. I am both a student and a teacher. I am both a teacher and a student, simultaneously- happening at the same time.

Actually, this is how it has always been, it is only now that I am allowing myself to see. This awareness is catching up to me, tapping me on my shoulder and saying, yes, yes beloved. This is how it has always been. Welcome home. We are happy to have you home.

Which is interesting because this morning, as I lifted the blinds up I said, “welcome the sun, time to wake up and let the light in.” I smirked for a moment, yes, yes, Sara, it is time to let the light shine inside the house, allow the light in.  I feels like it is a metaphor for my life.

I was reminded of a story today when I was in India and I had a whole plan of how the day was going to pan out. And none of it went according to plan.  It is as if I am dropping the plan, dropping any notion of what will come or how it will be and stepping into the unknown.  Not alone as most of us think we are, rather we are accompanied by all of our past selves, past experiences, which was so beautifully conveyed today by Corrine. Yes, yes, never alone, surrounded, enveloped by the wisdom of me, that is me. For I am a sum of all that came before me, in fact, this is which led me here.

So then, I am not really going in on my own, or doing it alone. No. I have never been alone. Even in the darkest of moments when I have felt alone, misunderstood and apart, I have always been a part, a part of something far greater than I can imagine, envision, cognize or wrap my head around.

It is like my friend Chris said, what if we let go of this idea that this is so amazing. What if we let go of the notion that these synchronicities and alignments are rare which is why we appear surprised by them - what if this is life?  What if life is all synchronicities and alignments? What if we saw life like this? In harmony. What if we saw life as perfect? Perfect. In perfect harmony. The way it is.  Without any need or desire to shift or change it, to make it fit in with how we see, to divide it into neat compartments to make it all make sense, be orderly, without the desire to make it the way we want it to be.

What if it is perfect just the way it is? Perfectly unfolding the way it is. And our responsibility, what we are asked to do is to witness this, enjoy this and act in the way that we are being called forward to act. To lay down the burden of carrying this body and mind around with its desires and preferences and wants and rather, be in joy. To be in awe with it all. Not wanting to hold on to any of it, grip it or cling to it. Simple allow it to flow and be, exactly as it is meant to be.

What if with all of the time I spend in my head, I am missing these incredible gifts that lead me to giddy delight, awe, jaw dropping, mouth gaped open, breath taken away, laughing in awe. What if that is how life is?

Yes. Like this.

Flowing in love,

Sara